<p>My three boys will be seniors in high school this year, so my husband & I have one year to prepare for an empty house. We have a great relationship with each of them, do lots of fun things together, but I don’t picture them texting us daily like some Moms tell me their daughters do. I want to let them go gracefully and not be a needy parent.</p>
<p>So my question is, is there anything I can do over the next year to prepare myself for this next stage? Join clubs? Take up hobbies? Become a workaholic? I’ve read various threads here on CC of people who gradually became empty-nesters, and even that looks difficult. I’d love to hear how some of you prepared and if that helped.</p>
<p>I have a friend who sent off her triplets to college last fall. She actually kept pretty busy this year with visiting the three at their various schools over the year. Remember they will have different move-in dates, parent’s weekends, spring breaks, etc. So, you will spend more time transporting them and having them home is pieces then you would imagine.</p>
<p>I spent my first empty nest year cleaning out every closet in the house (plus the garage and shed). It felt very productive!</p>
<p>Nancy - wow, three at once! Hats off to you and your husband to get them to this point!! Enjoy this last year with them at home.</p>
<p>I have always enjoyed volunteering in many capacities as the kids have grown, and these last years (I have an 11 year span between the oldest and youngest of my 3 - youngest is DS’14) I have paid special attention to the things that are hard to do with a kid still at home. I am looking forward to plunging more actively into those once he is gone. </p>
<p>Another thing that has helped is to maintain contact with the moms and dads we have come to treasure over the years, even though our kids have gone. When my first left for college, several of us would get together periodically for “care package parties” in which each of us would bring a bunch of some treat - candy, cookies, toiletries, etc. - and then we’d take a little from each person’s “stash” and make packages for our own students. We’d laugh and cry over the mishmash of feelings we all had - very cheap psychotherapy!</p>
<p>Another thing that helped was to subscribe to the student paper on their campuses. It made us feel a little more a part of things without asking interminable questions when we did talk, though I tend to do that anyway!! And some colleges have a parents list-serve, where you can communicate online and get ideas from other parents at your kids’ colleges about things like transportation from campus at breaks, how to find a good orthopedic surgeon near campus (not that you’ll need one!), etc. </p>
<p>I am wondering how different this last one will be , however - like for you, this is finally going to be it!! There are things I look forward to (having leftovers available again!) and things I don’t (the absence of all the laughter and practical jokes). I encourage you to be gentle with yourselves and don’t plunge into anything too quickly. Allow yourselves to grieve the passing of this stage of your life, and to joyfully embrace what comes next! It’s really fun getting to know a different part of the country or state through your kids’ eyes, and they’ll be excited to share the experience with you both (at least occasionally!).</p>
<p>Look forward to it! We’re finally sending our last off and we’re giddy with the thought of not having to vacation during school vacation weeks, of not having to stay home on weekends so our house doesn’t turn into party central, of not having to set the alarm for zero hour classes or early morning athletic crap, of cooking for 2 instead of cooking for an army of over 6 foot 200 pound hungry boys (and their friends) of not having to organize my work around doctor appointments and events, of having a car that doesn’t require space for 3-5 adults and an 80 pound dog (the dog is staying, just the kids are gone) and the list goes on and on! It was fun, but I have to admit I’m ready for it to be over, sorta like the day you sent your crib and all your baby supplies to the Salvation Army. But some, I know, are not as glee filled as me, so do take this time to think about the things you did before babies, toddlers, and teens. It took 9 months for each of them to arrive and now you have a year to get ready for them to move on. But really, they don’t totally move on for a long time. They will come home and invade your house periodically for several years as if they have never left. Remember that you(and your spouse if around) did have a life and managed to fill your time. Best wishes.</p>
<p>I agree that I am looking forward to the empty nest. Of course I will miss them always. I will focus on ME for a change. And DH. I plan to work out more, eat healthier, get more rest, and have some grown-up fun!</p>
<p>We’ll be empty nesters by September sometime. Major changes like that have always tended to be a problem for me. I have a lot of hobbies, and have picked up a couple more, so I’m working on integrating them into my life now so I don’t drop off a cliff in the fall. </p>
<p>I suggest spending some time in the next year taking stock. </p>
<p>Do you have hobbies? things you are interested in doing but have never seemed to have the time? Don’t wait until the kids are gone to try to start them. Consider looking into them a bit here and there in the coming year even if it’s just to get the ball rolling.</p>
<p>Do you WANT to work more? or take up some other activity that you could make money at (furniture refinishing, selling things on ebay, etc.)? get a part-time job? </p>
<p>Is there some cause or organization you would like to be more involved in? church? junior league? food pantry? do you see yourself volunteering or using your job skills for some charitable cause?</p>
<p>What about going back to school yourself? always wanted to finish a degree but didn’t have the means?</p>
<p>Don’t forget that ‘empty nest’ isn’t permanent right away. They come home on Tgiving and Christmas and, usually, stay home summer after their freshman year. Then they become more scarce, but A LOT of kids come home for a bit after graduating, to save money for rent or grad school. </p>
<p>It’s not like you’re cut off from your kids overnight. And by the way, both my kids were so HAPPY when moving into their dorms, that you’re just beaming for them. You’re so happy WITH them. </p>
<p>It’s not all sadness and tears for mom. It’s also pride, pleasure, a taste of freedom - and a lot of love.</p>
<p>Skype! And go visit! (with permission) With 3 maybe you can rotate your emotional demands on them. It’s a little like whiplash ~ they’re gone-they’re back-they’re gone again. (vacations, and remember- fairly long summers) And you will feel so much pride. You wouldn’t want it any other way. They are doing what they should do. You may find yourself reverting back to your newly-married-before-kids relationship w/husband. We found ourselves resuming activities we had let go. Activities that remind you of that young time together are good - so you don’t focus on the kidsX3 toooo much.</p>
<p>what kiddie said. Move in, parents weekend, fall/spring break, holidays, etc. will keep you busy. Also, the trips to the post office to send forgotten or I REALLY need items; phone time to schedule doctor/dentist/dermatologist/hair appointments over the holidays when the little darlings are home; time scheduling their travel back home for holidays–and the inevitable time spent changing the flights when “oh, I guess I DO have a final that day…”; time spent with VISA, the bank and the DMV when the wallet is lost; etc. They are not really gone for a few years! You will still be busy with them…</p>
<p>^Lol, we have friends whose youngest S left last fall. When I asked FriendMom how empty nesting was going she assumed the look of a woman who is, ahem, busy, and said with a wink “great!”. Apparently hobbies are not the only thing you can resume…;)</p>
<p>Start you “life without kids” plan before they leave. Instead of hanging on for all you’re worth during their senior year, start letting go. Give them and yourself more independence from each other. </p>
<p>If they miss dinner and come in late, let them fend for themselves. Don’t demand to know exactly where they are/ what they are doing/ when they’ll be home all the time. Most of the time they don’t know exactly what their plan is and it really annoys them for you to want to have a detailed schedule. I’d just ask them to call/text to let me know if they were showing up for dinner. </p>
<p>We didn’t wait up late for the boys to come home and didn’t have a hard and fast curfew for senior year. If they were going away to college in less than a year, we figured it was time for them to start managing it themselves…just send a quick text to let us know they staying over somewhere so we wouldn’t worry if we woke up in the night and they hadn’t come in. They didn’t mind doing that and it gave us peace of mind.</p>
<p>Most importantly, start planning things that you and your husband like to do together.<br>
We started going on daytrips on our own and didn’t invite kids. Believe me. Their feelings were not be hurt!
We went to outdoor festivals, concerts, hiking, biking, kayaking, flea markets, movies, new restaurants that they would like. It’s fun and freeing to only have to consider what you want instead of trying to please everyone else.</p>
<p>I too am facing all three leaving but this fall not next…something helpful to me was to slowly disengage from my school activities this year and not wait until next year. Instead of volunteering weekly at the visitor desk as I have for four years, I went to every other and then stopped mid year, wasn’t an officer for a booster group, only a member…etc etc this way there won’t be quite as much adjustment next year…
We have two going to the same school and one solo…the others are correct…we move one every other day for a week, two fall breaks, 2 freshman family weekends, one additional parent weekend, two home all of thanksgiving weekend and one only five days so what initially looked like long stretches of time, look more manageable …two are two hours away and one four so close enough for a visit if they are open to it but far enough where I won’t be “in the area”.
I also am working on allowing myself to grieve this part of my life…thankful that they seem truly ready but I admit that I am truly sad as I have loved, loved, loved this stage.
New hobbies…some old being revisited and the challenge of cooking differently since my son won’t be here who eats for four😊</p>
<p>Thanks so much for all these great ideas and perspectives. Since I don’t yet have a real idea of where they’ll go, I’m not sure how often they’ll be home. We have an unusual situation in that I teach (as does their dad, though he retired last month) in the school where they go, so we have a lot of togetherness! Still, it’s part of life for them to leave, and I want to do it as healthily as possible for all of us. Like you said, 3Triplet, I have loved, loved, loved this stage, and I will need to grieve the passing of it. </p>
<p>I do think I’ll start preparing now, like sylvan said. There are many things I’d like to do, and I agree that cleaning out the closets might be the first on the list!</p>
<p>^^^ I can see how that would be hard - losing them at school AND home. Happened to a friend of mine who taught at the high school his daughter attended. She’d often drop off her backpack in his office, leave books there, athletic equipment. When she went off to college he missed her, and her stuff laying around reminding him of her existence…</p>
<p>Let me say that as much as you prepare, realize you will feel loss. I thought I was ready for empty nest, but when it is becoming a reality, I alternate between sadness and a sense of freedom. (It probably did not help that our beloved family dog passed away a few weeks ago. I was prepared for the kids leaving, but I was not prepared for the quiet to be so overwhelming)</p>
<p>So make plans to do something special when they leave, but allow yourself to feel the loss as well.</p>
<p>^^^Yes…after we moved our youngest into his dorm room for freshman year, DH and I went to the beach for a week. It was a nice diversion and gave us a week to acclimate before going straight home to an empty house.</p>
<p>Our oldest is leaving this September. I’ve started volunteering at the local animal shelter again. A warm canine nose and a wagging tail is a soothing balm to my heart.</p>
<p>My nest will be empty come August, but it has been gradual unlike having all leave at once. Luckily, we have friends who’ve been role models for happy empty nests (including friends with triplets!)</p>
<p>I have an ongoing list on my phone of “empty nest” activities; things I’d like to do or try that are difficult now when it’s hard for me to get more than an hour to myself. I started unwinding myself from my volunteer commitments at the beginning of senior year; for almost 21 years I’ve been on some type of executive board for some organization that involved my kids. I’m giving myself a year to be disengaged from volunteer work before I choose mindfully where I want to use my time & talent (my gut tells me it will be an animal rescue and the food bank, but I want to see where the fates send me.)</p>
<p>I think my empty nest won’t give me as much free time as I’d like as I went back to work FT 5 years ago. 40 hours/week plus 8 hours of commuting and an 83 year old mom that I take out 2x/week still takes up some time.</p>
<p>DH has suggested a weekly cocktail night where we take turns making & sampling a new drink. We will eat more fish, since there will be no one home to wrinkle their nose and make me feel guilty so I end up making an additional main dish. I will have no excuses for stopping at the gym after work, so I’m hoping to make some improvements to my fitness. </p>
<p>It’s our 25th anniversary and my 50th birthday in the coming year. I anticipate some long weekend trips at short notice; DH has kindly informed me that the Robert Trent Jones golf trail has fantastic spas at their hotels. He can golf & I can get a massage & hang out in the steam room drinking herbal tea & reading More magazine :)</p>
<p>As I told a friend after D1 launched: you can’t miss them when they won’t leave you alone. The reality of going to college is much different than when we went thanks to the magic of technology: texts, skype, email, Facebook & FB messaging. My best piece of advice about that is to have a conversation before they all leave about expectations for communications: let them decide how often/when/how they’ll contact you (with a minimum suggestion by you) then abide by that as long as do it. Girls usually contact more than boys. </p>
<p>Also: I did get a new pet when D1 left. I’m not allowed to do that when D2 leaves since DH says we’re now in replacement mode only for pets But a lot of people find new pets very helpful.</p>
<p>We love dogs and have always had one or two dogs since we first married. We had to put our fourteen year old dog down when S2 was a college jr. We loved the dog and missed him but discovered that it was a lot easier to do all the “empty nest” things we wanted to do (often on a whim on a Saturday morning) to not have the responsibility of a pet.<br>
Now that both kids are out of college and on their own, we are able to live life on our schedule w/out having to consider the needs of of a pet every time we want to hop in the car and take off somewhere. I really love animals (had horses when I was growing up along w/ dogs , cats and a rabbit. We even had a big talking parrot when the kids were young) but am now really enjoying the freedom from the responsibilities they demand.</p>
But a lot of people find new pets very helpful.</p>