This is a good article, that is worthy food for thought. So much is spent in the final months and year of many people’s life for futile healthcare that causes pain for the patient and all loved ones.
Look up “the Conversation Project”.
I’m grateful that my parents and I have very clearly spelled out exactly what we want and don’t want at end of life. My grandparents moved to Oregon where doctor assisted suicide is legal and my parents plan on moving to a state with similar laws at some point.
I recently read a book manuscript for one of my professors recently about dying in an Asian country. It was extremely fascinating to look at death in another culture’s context. He is both an MD and PhD (anthropology) so he was able to study the process of death from both a “medical” and “cultural” lens.
My relative has made it clear he wants everything possible done to prolong his life–EVERYTHING. He’s been asked several times and is adamant, as is my older sis and bro about this. Seems dreadful to me.
One of my sibs has a FIL who had a stroke and was resuscitated. He was angry and miserable the last years of his life, after his resuscitation. H decided he wouldn’t want to be trapped in his body that way and wants to be allowed to die with dignity instead of being revived from massive stroke.
I hope I have enough marbles to get the pills and champagne to work their magic before it is too late! I am only partially joking.
Morphine sublingually worked like magic for my loved one who found living with cancer too painful and pointless. She had a nurse help her administer if to help “ease her breathing.” She died with dignity on her terms, in her own home.
@HImom - do you mean morphine administered “subcutaneously”?
@SyrAlum, no–sublingually administered, drops under the tongue rather than under the skin or elsewhere. It is what my FIL had to ease his breathing when he was dying and she remembered and thought it was a particularly peaceful way to die.
I highly encourage everyone to sit down with family immediately and clearly spell out exactly what you want and don’t want in the event of your death. I lost my husband twelve days ago, exactly one year after he was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer. This past year gave us the opportunity to spend every minute possible together, and it also allowed us to have some very serious conversations. We both made sure our wills, power-of-attorney, and living wills were up-to-date, and we took our daughter with us to the attorney’s office to ensure she knew everything there was to know about the documents. My husband’s health declined rapidly from the last time we saw his oncologist on July 15th to the 18th when he died … the day Hospice was to begin. When he last saw his oncologist, they told us he really needed to be in the hospital, but he refused … he’d spent so much time there in the past year. He just wanted to be at home. If you or your loved one have a DNR (do not resuscitate), make sure you have a hard copy in your possession. We were to get a copy that day when Hospice started but, since he died before that, I was very thankful that his oncologist had given us her cell phone number and that EMS was able to reach her to verify the DNR as they would have otherwise been required to attempt resuscitation. I was thankful we had discussed what he wanted both in death and after death. It’s hard enough to lose someone, but i couldn’t imagine losing someone and not knowing what they would have wanted. None of us are promised tomorrow … plan today.
My sympathies, @SplashMom.
Both my Dad and FlL got sick one night and were gone by the next day in hospitals. My Mom, on the other hand, was diagnosed with COPD and just stopped living but was still alive. Before the diagnosis she was an active volunteer, very social, and traveling wonderful human being.
And then she shut off. She refused to be anywhere but her home even though she was taken to the hospital several times. She hated it. She did not want to prolong life if it meant not living the way she wanted.
At the end we were present telling her it was ok to let go. And she did, after we all left at 2 in the morning. Hospice told us that is often the way it goes. Tell them it is ok and they go after you leave.
I find it ironic that our government can decide who deserves to die via the death penalty but suffering individuals are forced to prolong their lives regardless of their wishes. If a person is mentally or physically incapacitated and doesn’t have their wishes in writing, the powers at be should air on the side of keeping that person alive. Barring that? Whatever a person wishes.
Being allowed to “die with dignity” in most states right now means withholding food & water (the only legal method). It can take two weeks. We just went through it with my mom – it was absolutely awful. There is nothing dignified about it.
Yes, it’s very common to use morphine sublingually when on hospice services, especially in the very end of someone’s life. It’s one of their standard meds that is prescribed and kept in the house (or wherever they happen to be living), and is given sublingually because it can be given that way even if a person is unable to swallow pills, for many different reasons. There are a couple of other meds that are routinely prescribed and kept in the house - Ativan ( or other forms of benzodiazepines) and Scopolamine (is an anti-nausea drug, but also is helpful in drying up secretions in the respiratory system).
If for some reason, morphine can’t be used (patient is allergic, etc.) there are also pain patches, such as Fentanyl; or the care team may try other more heavy duty narcotics (Oxycodone, Dilaudid) that can be given sublingually. But the sublingual morphine will work quicker than a patch. It is also helpful with patients who might be experiencing air hunger.
@SplashMom, my sympathies and my congratulations on managing the final days and hours of your loved one so positively. My father died at home, in hospice care, attended solely by my mother and I, and it was as positive as experience for all concerned as one could hope.
@SplashMom, Adding my sympathies to you and your daughter. I am glad that you were able to spend so much time together this last year. (HUG)
@SplashMom - so sorry to hear about your loss, but thank you so much for sharing the important details that people need to consider when trying to make the time as least stressful as possible for everyone involved, given the circumstances you are dealt with.
SplashMom, I am so sorry about your loss.
SplashMom, may your memories be a comfort and a blessing to you and yours. Thank you for sharing in the midst of your grief.
@SplashMom - my sympathies as well, to you and your daughter. I’m so glad you were able to manage his final day in the way that he wished. Many HUGS to you both.
Thank you @Himom I knew there was something I was missing. This is a very timely thread for me as my dearest friend is close to losing her husband of 29 years to stage 4 cancer. Many hard decisions to be made all while her heart is breaking. And yes, these last 10 months have been full of doctor visits, pain, surgeries, difficult and painful procedures, scans and more scans, etc. He is about at the end of the road treatment wise. There has got to be a better way…
@BunsenBurner - I agree wholeheartedly with your post #4