Prom Date Dilemma

Pre-College Topics High School Life
1

<p>I’m not new to CC; I just created a new SN because I don’t want this to somehow be traced back to people I know in real life. I would appreciate any advice as to what I should do. Sorry for the length… I tried to keep it as short as possible.</p>

<p>I was asked to the senior prom by a guy, through my brother on instant messenger (he doesn’t have my IM SN). My brother is one of the few people who he talks to on IM or in real life. I was hoping that this wouldn’t happen, though I sort of expected it. Before vacation (which was this past week), after school, he asked me if I had a date to prom yet. I gave a quick and nice answer that I was bringing my brother (He’s 2 years younger and hangs out with my group of friends. They want him to go, anyway, though it’s not quite true that I’m bringing him… none of my friends have dates, so we were just going to hang out as a group). My brother, who was there at the time, jumped in and agreed but said that we were all going more as a group so he could hang out with us. I was hoping that would be the end of it, but I guess not…</p>

<p>To give some background: he is a senior as well, and I’ve gone to school with him for the past four years of high school. He’s a really quiet person and doesn’t say much of anything, ever. I’m a generally a quiet person, too, but not nearly to the extent that he is. He’s had a difficult time making friends, and has bounced around different groups of friends, never really interacting enough for anyone to get to know him. This year, however, he’s only stayed around my group of friends; in the morning before school, at lunch, etc. My friends and I had tried to draw him out in the past years, but he never really responded. Most of them have given up on talking to him, but this year I’ve tried to still be nice to him by saying hi, etc. Usually, when he comes over he doesn’t say hi and generally follows from a distance, although lately he tends to get closer and has become slightly more talkative. But still, it’s feels as if a stranger were to randomly start following us around; his behavior is just creepy and very awkward, and I feel bad but after a while it’s gotten annoying. I don’t let him know to his face that I feel that way, but many of my friends have kind of hinted at how they feel through their behavior… which I think is mean, but I’m not sure if he realizes it or not.</p>

<p>Anyway, so he asked me the prom through that other person on IM. He said, and I’m paraphrasing: asking me was the most daring thing he’d ever done in his life, this year would be his only chance to attend a prom since he didn’t go last year and it’d be a once in a lifetime experience, that all the other people in the group probably all had dates so if I didn’t go with him he would have no one else to go with and would miss the prom, to please give him a chance to enjoy his senior year, he was asking me as a friend, and that he’d pay for my ticket. Oh, and he also said that he’d been working up his courage all vacation to ask me. Basically, it came across as very… desperate. He’s put me in a VERY awkward position. Also, I’m not sure if he actually wants to go as just friends or if he was just saying that. It’s hard to tell, but I think he’s asking me just because he wants to have a date, and wants to sit at a table with me and my friends.</p>

<p>I’m creeped out and saddened by the way he asked me. I don’t want to ruin his prom, but I really don’t want to ruin my prom, either. I don’t really want to go with him, but I’m still considering it to be nice. Last year, I didn’t go to prom, either, and I just want to have a good time this year, hang out with my friends and not have to deal with him. However, I’m considering just not going to prom so I don’t have to deal with him, because I can hang out with my friends anytime. I would feel bad saying no to him because I suppose I’m one of the few people who acknowledges him and is nice to him. I could just tell him that he can sit at my friends’ table and join the group (though my brother already sort of did that before vacation?), but I don’t think they’d be too thrilled with that. I haven’t talked to most of them about it yet, though. I just need unbiased responses before I decide what to do.</p>

<p>Ahhh. I hope he doesn’t somehow read this and connect it to me (I doubt it, but still…). Advice, please? Should I go with him, or what…?</p>

2

<p>I suggest that you also post in the Parents’ Cafe because their advice probably would be very useful, too.</p>

<p>In addition to your compassiionate heart, what also stood out in your post ws your description of the young man’s behavior as “creepy.” From how you described him, your description sounded accurate, and I urge you to pay attention to your gut.</p>

<p>I doubt that all he wants is a date to the prom. I’m guessing that he views you as his only chance for a girlfriend right now, too. One of my high school friends ended up being date raped by a guy whom she basically went out with only because she felt sorry for him. She was a virgin.</p>

<p>Of course, I don’t know if that’s what your classmate is planning, but he clearly is very lacking in social skills and makes you uncomfortable. “Pity me” isn’t the way that most people would try to get a prom date. </p>

<p>So, my advice is to quickly, kindly and directly say “no” to his invitation. “I’m sorry, but I already have prom plans with my friends, so I can’t accept your invitation” is a way to do it. Don’t try to soften the blow by saying something like, “Maybe we can do something together some other time” or “If I hadn’t promised them, I’d go with you.” Just say no – in the manner that I’ve suggested. Also, don’t try to soften the blow by inviting him to hang out with your friends. It’s clear that he isn’t in your group, and his presence wouldn’t lead to an enjoyable prom for you or your friends.</p>

<p>You deserve to have a nice prom night, and clearly having him tag along or going on a date with you wouldn’t add to your evening. </p>

<p>While it’s sad for him that he doesn’t have a date, it’s not your fault that he lacks friends. </p>

<p>Please also talk to your parents about this situation. Your post worries me because he sounds like a potential stalker. He could be the type to show up unannounced at your house, and your parents need to know not to invite him in.</p>

3

<p>There’s a student at my school whom I instantly thought of when you first mentioned how creepy your “beau” was. To make it short, he asked one of my friends (a freshman at the time) to the second formal dance of the year, and she accepted, unfortunately NOT foreseeing that that evening would haunt her the rest of her life. Alack! He tried to molest her the whole evening. </p>

<p>Don’t let that happen to you. Listen to Northstarmom. She’s got some good points.</p>

<p>In fact, another young man with “social-ineptnesscreatesawkwardness syndrome” comes to mind, now. Wow – lots of creepy males at my school.</p>

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<p>I’m on the opposite side of the coin, and believe me, it’s now walk in the park either. I have been so ridiculously scared to ask this girl to Jr. Prom, and by now she probably thinks I’m a creep.</p>

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<p>Northstarmom: Thank you very much for your advice. It was very helpful.</p>

<p>It’s interesting that you said he’s a potential stalker, because my friends and I have talked about that. For the past few years, before lunch, in the morning, after school, etc., he’s gone near my friend’s locker while keeping his distance and not saying anything. Because of this, we’ve said, jokingly, how he’s my friend’s “stalker.” However, with this recent invite to the prom, I can’t help but wonder if he’s actually my “stalker”; my locker is only one locker away from hers…</p>

<p>I’ve talked to my parents about this, so they know my feelings towards him and not to let him in the house, but they’re torn about what I should do. My dad said to definitely say no, but my mom thinks I should maybe give him a chance so that I don’t hurt his feelings. She also said that she could drive us to and from the prom if need be just in case he is dangerous. My grandma, however, basically said what you did; that I deserve to have a good prom and shouldn’t go with him.</p>

<p>I think I will post this in the Parents’ Café, too; thanks for the suggestion.</p>

<p>lobgent: Ekkk… that’s definitely scary to think about. I was worried about that, myself. But, I’ve tried to reason that my friends would be there to help if such a thing happened, I wouldn’t go anywhere else with him, and my mom could drive me to prevent that. It’s probably not worth the risk, though. He just doesn’t strike me as the type to do something like that, but then again, I never thought he’d have the guts to ask anyone to the prom.</p>

<p>I’m think I’m leaning towards saying no to him. It’s just difficult because he has such a poor social life and it means a lot to him.</p>

<p>d4r7h3v1l: That’s what makes it hard for me to turn him down. It must have been so hard for him to gather up the courage to ask me.</p>

<p>As long as you talk to her rather than just following her and saying little, she probably doesn’t think you’re TOO much of a creep. Good luck with your prom.</p>

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<p>I was in a very similar situation last year. So based on personal experience, let me tell you what will not work: telling him you’ll “think about it”/maybe. i thought this would be a good way to ease into saying no, he thought i was basically saying yes, which made later telling him no much, much worse. </p>

<p>i don’t know much about your relationship with this boy; maybe he is creepy in the way that some of people above me have suggested, but if he’s like the boy in my situation and he’s just lonely and awkward, this is going to be really hard. telling someone no is a pretty terrible feeling, especially when you’ve been on the other side of that situation before. </p>

<p>that said, i think it’s the best thing you can do. any situation in which you lead him on is ultimately going to be worse for both of you. </p>

<p>good luck.</p>

7

<p>Who cares? Just go with him…everyone dances with everyone else’s dates at prom anyway.</p>

8

<p>I think you should just say no to him. It’s unfortunate that he doesn’t have a date and doesn’t have friends, but like someone said before, that’s not your fault or your problem. It’s nice of you to consider his feelings, but don’t sacrifice your and your friends’ prom night because you didn’t want to hurt a weird guy’s feelings. If a weird girl asked me to prom I wouldn’t hesitate in politely denying her.</p>

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<p>Hmm…this is strange, yet I have been through the same situation.
If you don’t like his charisma, character, his looks, then what’s the purpose of going out with him?
In my case, my girlfriend had to ask me out because she knew that I am probably the most shiest and reserved person in the class. Yet she knew that I am a good-natured person, cared about my grades, have good friends. one friend who I am very close to is like the smartest person in the school. Typically, you can judge a man by his company. She knew that my teachers, friends, all like me. I might have acted ‘creepy’ by being ridiculously shy, but I am a good person.
In your case, you know that his friends feel uneasy around him. His friends don’t think highly of him. That’s one hint. If he’s annoying, and you yourself don’t feel comfortable around him, feel awkward, then why would you want to go out with him? Do his teachers like him? Remember: you are now a senior, if you get too close, you will miss him, or vice versa. (unless you go to the same college)
Girls should be prudent; don’t just go out with a guy just 'cause you feel bad turning him down. Judge on looks, but don’t forget to consider the most important aspect: character.</p>

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<p>Well, I think that you’re just going to have to say no. He sounds like a weird guy, and I know its going to be hard to say no, but northstarmom brought up some good points.</p>

<p>Just go with your group of friends, thats what I’m going to be doing.</p>

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<p>I wouldn’t accept, for a number of reasons. From what I’ve read, he seems like a potentially dangerous person. Even if he isn’t, he doesn’t seem like someone who would be a good prom date; he’s extremely shy (probably doesn’t dance much), a little creepy, and not too talkative. Plus, as someone else mentioned, he tries to persuade you by saying that he’ll be screwed if you don’t go - hardly a rigorous argument. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime thing for you, too. And, again, as someone above said, leading him on will produce good results for neither side. It’s great that you’re being a nice person, but at a certain point you have to draw the line, and I think that in going with him you could be crossing that line.</p>

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<p>I say go with your friends :-)</p>

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<p>if you go with him to prom, it will give him hope for other things (such as being his girlfriend).</p>

<p>i’ve been in a similar situation before, and as hard as it is, say NO.
it makes life a lot easier. </p>

<p>But that definately doesn’t mean you have to stop being his friend.</p>

14

<p>Ouch I feel bad for the kid, but here’s my advice, you get his SN, and try to tell him that he’s welcomed to dance with you at prom but that you don’t want to go with anyone to prom because you want to hangout with you’re friends.</p>

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<p>If you don’t want to go with him, then don’t. You’re not responsible for his datelessness. I hate awkward creepy guys, and I think it’s unfair how he’s trying to make you feel guilty.</p>

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<p>I agree with perfectly_flawed; going with him out of pity is only going to raise his hopes when there really isn’t a chance of anything more (unless, of course, you are interested in getting to know him better).</p>

<p>Explain to him that you and your friends are all going stag, and that you all prefer going as a group of single friends, rather than as couples. Hopefully he won’t feel as if he is being rejected. </p>

<p>Of course, there is the possibility that he needs people to go to prom with. Let’s face it, you can’t just show up alone. He seems very shy and insecure, and since you’ve shown him kindness in the past, he approached you. It doesn’t seem like he has other people to share a limo and a table with, so maybe he just wants people to go with, but feels awkward asking to ride along and thus asked you to go as his date (the offering to pay for your ticket seemed a bit over the top…it is your prom too, after all, and you’re going anyway. Generally one pays for the ticket of someone who is coming from outside of school). If you and your friends feel comfortable with it, invite him to come along as part of a casual group of friends who are just going to hang out together. That way he doesn’t end up stranded and alone at prom, but you have no obligation to spend time especially with him.</p>

17

<p>I’m going to reiterate what I said in the Parents’ Café, edited slightly if that’s okay: Thank you all so much for your helpful and thoughtful replies. Reading all of your opinions has made my decision much easier.</p>

<p>I’m going to ask my brother to IM him my response, which will be that I can’t go with him due to the plans I already have. Vacation week ends after Monday (due to a faculty type day), so I’ll be sure to get the message to him before I have to face him in person.</p>

<p>I think in a short response I will politely thank him for asking me, say that I already have plans so to not take it personally, and make it clear that my answer is no. I’m hesitant about being overly nice, because as many of you have suggested, I don’t want to give him the wrong idea about my feelings. I also don’t think I want to put my friends in the position of changing our plans and having him sit at our table. It was suggested in the parents’ forum that I help set up a guys table so that he’s still included, but I don’t think that would work. As was said in the other thread, suggesting anything about him still going to the prom, that I’ll see him there, etc, would still make me stuck with him.</p>

<p>It may end up that he goes to prom alone, and then follows me/my friends around, anyway. While this would not be fun, I would at least feel somewhat better knowing that I stood up for myself, and not feel an obligation to him like I would have otherwise.</p>

<p>Also, unfortunately it will now be even more awkward at school around him. I’m not going to tell everyone how weird he’s made me feel, because I do not want to put anyone through that, even if it’s true. I suppose from now on I’ll just have to walk the fine line between being too nice to him and being mean to him (because there’s really no way around it, anyway, since he always seems to be around… and, it’s the end of the year, so I won’t have to deal with it for too much longer).</p>

<p>It’s still going to be difficult to say no to him, but all of your support has helped a lot. Thanks again, and I’ll let you all know how it goes.</p>

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<p>My advice is don’t!</p>

<p>I was in the same situation. I befriended a boy like him because it was the nice thing to do since he was very quiet. It was fine at first because he finally came out of his shell and started talking. He then started soliciting my friends and me to be his grilfriends which seemed harmless. However, it got to the point that where he would stalk us or get jealous whenever we had boyfriends.</p>

<p>…and then prom came along.</p>

<p>He was keen on asking me out but the fact that he so desperate to have a girlfriend during the past months from my group of friends made me say “no.” I hate to sound mean but I felt like second best. Also, my friendship with that boy got dampened when all he did was solicit me and whine about not having a girlfriend. It was hard to say no but it was a good thing I did because I realized that he was a jerk. I told him that he could go stag or ask someone else for prom but he insisted on being “the victim.” As a result, I am no longer friends with him because he isn’t worth the time and drama.</p>

19

<p>Wow. Reading this thread was like rewinding my life two weeks and finding my exact thoughts written out. The exact(ish) thing happened to me. Unfortunately… in my case, I said yes. Since then, he has somehow managed to figure out my email address (I didn’t give it to him, and neither did any of my friends…). He stares at me during my classes. He walks behind me in the hallway and laughs at the jokes I make in completely separate conversations. There’s a line between a somewhat cute crush and just… creepiness. I’m really dreading prom now. If I could go back in time, I would have said something along the lines of… “My friends and I were planning on going solo, but we could dance together at prom.” (I think someone suggested that upthread). It’s too late, now, alas! I just wanted to express my sympathies… I hope that everything works out well for you!</p>

20

<p>LesOs,
It is not too late for you to put a lid on what’s going on. You need to straight out tell that guy specifics about what he’s doing that is making you uncomfortable. You can be direct while being kind. If you aren’t direct, his social skills are so weak that he won’t get it. You also need to tell him directly that you regard him as a friend only. He’s not your boyfriend and never will be. </p>

<p>If you insist on stil going to prom with him (and given his behavior, I think that you have every reason to back out. He is creepy. You are uncomfortable. Prom will be a misery for you), insist that he and you go together with some of your friends. Even if he has reserved a limo, insist that some of your friends go in it.</p>

<p>If you will be using a private car, make sure that you or one of your friends drives. You do not want to be stuck alone in a car with that guy and have him driving. There are girls who were in situations like yours who ended up being taken to places they didn’t want to go and being – in a worst case scenerio raped – in a still unfortunate, but not as bad scenerio – stuck alone for a long time with someone creepy that they didn’t want to spend time with.</p>

<p>It is very possible to be kind and direct while telling someone that you aren’t interested in dating them. My S, who like you and the OP is a compassionate young man, had to do this with 2 friends who asked him to a prom and homecoming. He went with the friends, whom he considered to be just friends. Afterward, the girls made it known that they were interested in more, and he had to tell them kindly that wasn’t what he wanted. They continue to be good friends.</p>

<p>Fortunately for him, the girls were real friends, not creepy individuals whom he felt sorry for. However, what he did will work for you, too. LesOs You must be direct. You also need to realize that this prom is your prom, too. You have the right to set boundaries including how you’ll get there and who you’ll spend your time with. And if he continues in his creepy behavior after you tell him specifics about how he’s bothering you, you have every right to back out of the prom date.</p>

<p>With people like that, it’s best not to say anything to soften the directness. “We could dance together at prom” would probably have sounded to him like, “We will sit together and dance each dance at the prom.” It would have been best to say a very direct, “No. I can not go with you to the prom.”</p>

<p>As for how to deal with his behavior now, here are some words that you can use. “We need to talk. Your behavior is making me uncomfortable. Please stop staring at me in class and following me in the halls. I also want you to know that I agreed to go to prom with you as a friend only.”</p>