<p>So, I’m not a parent, I’m a non-traditional student in my early thirties. I didn’t go to college after high school for various reasons. When I decided to go back to school my mom was furious. She kept telling me it was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made and she knew I was going to fail, etc. Well, two years later, I just graduated from my community college with a 3.69 gpa and am preparing to transfer to a good private tier 1 uni in Spring 2010 (I couldn’t transfer for fall because of financial reasons).</p>
<p>Today I was in town with my mom and needed to go to the college to order a transcript. While I was there I bought a tassel. When my mom saw my tassel she said she was proud of me. How can she say that after the way she acted? She’s never apologized for the things she said when she found out I was going back to school.</p>
<p>I just thanked her, but it actually made me mad. I don’t even know why it made me so mad.</p>
<p>Something else that is bothering me is she keeps giving credit for every thing I have accomplished to God and her own prayers. I’ve worked my butt off, what does that have to do with God or her praying?</p>
<p>First off, congrats!! It takes a very special person to go back to school after more than a decade! Secondly, it may just be that your mom is from a different generation. Did you have children that she was worried about or anything along those lines?</p>
<p>Thanks for the support everyone. I don’t have kids. My mom is just the negative type. She always assumes I’m going to fail or am doing something wrong. I plan to just let it go. I just don’t know why it bothered me so much. It seems like I should have felt encouraged, but I felt angry.</p>
<p>My mom operates the same way, and believe it or not your anger is a perfectly natural response. When you could’ve used her encouragment and support, she was discouraging and hurtful. It’s hard not to react with resentment when the more appropriate response shows up as too little and too late. When you’re conditioned to expect the negative it’s hard to respond to the positive. I’m sure you’ve built up some healthy defense mechanisms to deflect her negativity, but it’s hard to keep your guard up and then suddenly let it down when she’s unexpectedly nice. I would guess it bothered you because though her intention may have been to acknowledge that she was wrong, she didn’t actually say it, did she? It may have been her way to make amends, and maybe it’s the best she can do, but wouldn’t it be lovely to hear just once,“You know, I was really a jerk about this earlier on, and I’m really sorry. I’m very proud of you.” There are volumes written on how to function in these sorts of disfunctional relationship, but it’s hard to walk that line and let her in your life but also not take most of what she says seriously. Just keep moving forward and be proud of yourself!</p>
<p>My father (who I have not seen for 8 and a half years) told me he’s proud of me too … by email. And he says “he’s sorry for the situation” but never actually admits guilt. Sometimes it’s kind of hard to accept the best someone can give when that best is well … not very appealing.</p>
<p>For some people saying “I’m sorry” directly is very hard, but I think when your Mom said “I’m proud” that’s what she really meant. Just remember you don’t need other people to validate you.</p>
<p>my mother has skewed values so I don’t look to her for validation.
While she does at times say she is proud of me- it also makes me feel because
I am not as messed up as I could have been :p, that she feels she can take credit for that.</p>
<p>I am very angry at the past and working at letting go of that is an ongoing process.</p>
<p>The way reasoning works in some people- is to tell others that they will fail and that is supposed to make them try harder and acheive success.
:rolleyes:
My mother tended that way also.
Passive aggressiveness is shown in many ways.
My husband for instance supported my attending school, but then resented when I needed time for class/ homework/help with the kids or any extra duties.
I am still in community college- but this time I found one that has extra support built in. Not only do I get disability services- but they have TRIO funding with counseling/tutors/computers & I also have joined several clubs where I have gotten more self confidence and support.
( of course it helps that I actually get sleep at night and the kids are out of the house)</p>
<p>Mothers & daughters are funny. My younger daughter doesn’t think I love her and doesn’t realize how impressed I am of the things she has accomplished. We are a lot alike- and both find it very difficult to say or hear strong feelings.</p>
<p>I think she has an idea in her head- of what a mom should be- and I am not that person. But at the same time- I think she values what I * have* given her, and I hope that she realizes some day that by giving her the tools to fly away from me- was because I recognized that need in her even though it has been painful for me.</p>
<p>If you do value your moms opinion- I would just ask her what made her say something like that in the first place- or ask her what she thinks* her parents* would have said in the same situation. That may give you some info about what is behind it- and it might be easier to realize it isn’t about your worth or accomplishments- but her own baggage.</p>