Situation in a nutshell: 1) My dog has cancer. I just found out for sure but knew she had a suspicious growth for a few weeks.
2) Even before seeing the veterinary oncologist to find out about our “options,” I was leaning toward no treatment because of my dog’s age and my general philosophical bent about health care for companion animals.
3) Based on the information I received at the in-person appointment with the oncologist, I still thought I was doing the right thing by opting for no treatment but I felt a little guilty.
4) So I made sure to look at the written report the vet sent me later that day and I talked to him today on the phone, to get some answers about issues I wasn’t clear on or that we hadn’t covered at the appointment.
5) The information conveyed in the written report and the conversation today point even more strongly toward no treatment as being the most humane option.
6) I feel worse now than I did before knowing all the information.
Why do I feel worse now? Is it because I’m a self-centered person who wanted to feel I had some control over the situation and now I don’t because I really don’t have any realistic options? Or is it because my dog has cancer and is going to die no matter what I do?
I am so sorry. I am firmly in the camp of “dogs are family”, and I know this will be a true loss.
I believe you feel worse now because it’s become more real. It’s no longer a logical list of pro’s and con’s to consider… it’s a “this will happen”. And it will be a loss, and you will grieve.
Hugs!
Hugs.
I am not a psychologist. However, it sounds to me that you feel sad because a treasured loved one has cancer and is going to die. This is a serious event and you should feel sad. However, you are doing the right thing. Give your dog a hug for me and a treat.
Because your fears are confirmed. Before the vet visit, there is always hope.
I’m so sorry. (hugs)
I’m sorry you and your dog are going through this.
My experience as a chaplain teaches me that until we have a definite diagnosis part of us remains in denial. Now that you know the facts the anticipatory grief and feelings of helplessness increases. I’ve been there and it is painful.
Try not to let the fact that you are choosing not to treat make you feel guilty. You have good reasons for not doing so and it sounds like you really love your dog.
Hugs. Facing inevitable is very, very hard.
This is a beautiful tribute to the family dog:
I think we are wired to always have hope, even when faced with a grim reality, and by not furthering treatment you feel that you’re giving up on your dog. You logically know that you’ve made the best decision for your pet and yet you feel conflicted now, but eventually you’ll recognize that you prevented unnecessary suffering and it was the best choice. So sorry for you and your pup.
Our girl had an inoperable tumor in her neck. The vet told us we could take her to the specialty clinic and spend thousands on surgery that might get out part of the tumor, but that this was terminal. We decided to let live out her days as happy and as pain free as possible. The vet gave us some non-chemo meds that stalled the tumor for a while. I cooked her meals every day, and she got 3.5 months, far longer than the vet thought we’d get. We took lots of walks. But when she suddenly started walking in circles, couldn’t manage the stairs and had trouble breathing at night, it was time. She rebounded the last two days, but I couldn’t let her suffering get in the way of my profound grief.
It is a compassionate thing to decline treatment that may only cause your four-legged family member to suffer. I’m so sorry.
It feels worse because you were secretly hoping there was a magic bullet while knowing there wasn’t, but unfortunately received confirmation that there’s not. Now you feel terrible knowing that the pessimist in you was right all along. Not that you were actually being pessimistic, but subconsciously that’s how you’re seeing yourself as acting prior to speaking to the doc.
All that aside, I’m so sorry to hear about your dog. It sounds like you’re doing the right thing so I hope you can give yourself a break.
Oh rosered, so sorry.
Why you feel so bad? Because you’re beginning the grieving. Make her last days as special as you can. And if it helps, we’ll be here to virtually hold your hand.
Ours had lumps we were told were ok, only to learn later that she had a serious issue elsewhere. We did a little surgery, which ultimately didn’t stave off the progress. At that point, I asked the girls if they wanted to come see her.
There’s a wonderful book that will break your heart called “There If You Need Me” by a chaplain for the Maine Guide Service and at one point in the book she describes discussing the meaning of the phrase “til death do us part,” to a soon to be married couple who thought they didn’t want that phrase in their vows. She says to them that parting by death is the best case scenario in any relationship. That really struck a chord when I read that. It is painful, but your pet isn’t leaving you by choice. Nature is deciding. Treasure the last days of this special being to you.
If it makes you feel any better, we let our dog die a natural death of unknown cause. She was declining kind of rapidly, getting weaker over a period of 6-8 weeks. She was old. She hated going to the vet, so given her age, I didn’t even look for answers as to what was wrong with her. (I did get pain and anti anxiety medicine for her.) It was also hard to think of traumatizing her with a last visit for the euthanasia. Our vet was kind enough to come to our house for it, and we had an appointment set up but she beat him to it by a day. I have no regrets.
Thank you for all the kind and supportive comments. I think I feel some guilt that the tumor, in her mouth, was not discovered until it had grown so large that the generally most effective treatment, surgery, would necessitate “removal of the right side of [W’s] face.” Meanwhile, the only signs visible to the naked eye and nose that anything is wrong are drooling and bad breath. It’s hard to believe this thing will kill her, but it will.
I’m glad you posted #13.
I suffer from the illusion that if I was more vigilant, more well-researched, more organized, more on top of it, …that I would be able to prevent, avoid, or lessen the unpleasant things Life tosses our way.
I tend to think it’s part of our cultural narrative, something like if you do everything “right” you can avoid many problems. Flip it around, and if something “bad” happens, it’s our fault, and we beat ourselves up.
Hoo boy, where does it end!!! It’s exhausting to take on so much responsibility. Modern life has a LOT of moving parts, with so many things --animate and inanimate-- that require some degree of caretaking.
It’s not your fault that the cancer wasn’t caught early. We don’t know what would have happened if it had been. No one has a crystal ball. Perhaps the time line and outcome would be similar. We don’t know!
Hang in there and enjoy your sweet dog!
It’s natural to feel that we have some control and that “doing something” proves it. But the reality is that we really aren’t in control, and random bad things do happen. People and pets get cancer and die, even with aggressive treatment from day one.
You know you’re doing the best thing. It’s time to trust what you know, not what you feel.
I understand. Our 20 year old kitty is in the same situation.
We are keeping her comfortable and happy. We wish she could live forever. But right now we are enjoying her just as we always have.
Rosered, I hear you. Our sweet girl was perfectly healthy and still looked like a puppy at age 14 – except the %$#@ tumor that was blocking off her windpipe. Until her last week, she didn’t act sick at all. Ironically, we found out about the tumor when I took her for a tooth cleaning. The vet couldn’t intubate her and that was when they found the tumor.
Ironically, I had always been afraid to get her teeth cleaned because of the risk of lung complications (she had kennel cough when she was found by the dog rescue, and had been hit by a car at age 6 and had three broken ribs and a punctured lung – each injury on the opposite side.
I made our girl chicken every night after her dx, and in the last week, when it became hard to swallow, I gave her cat food with some water added to thin it out. She always loved cat food! The vets told us to give it to her to help her regain her strength after the car accident, and she ALWAYS pilfered it from my BIL’s cats when we visited.
((HUGS)) to you, @rosered55. I am sorry you got this news. I say give your sweet dog all the treats you can and whatever she loves most - belly rubs, tug-of-war, walks, games of fetch - make them happen every day. You are in my thoughts.
My H let our dog linger at least 3 months beyond what should have been the end of her life. She was incontinent, walked in circles, howled at dusk (like a sundowning doggy Alzheimer’s patient) and didn’t seem to recognize H or any of the kids. It took S17 crying on my shoulder that he didn’t want the dog to suffer anymore for H to finally agree that it was time. She wasn’t sick, but she was past 16. The boys invited all of their friends over to say goodbye to her, D came out to say good bye, my neighbor who knew her since puppy days came to say good bye and then H, middle son and I went to the vet. None of the other kids was able to handle it.
It was hard for H as he’d never done it before, but by the end of the week, he acknowledged that it was his selfishness that had been letting the dog suffer.
For you, @rosered55 - do what’s best for your pet, even if you still want that pet around. Good luck.