Since I was a child, I was fearful of confronting with people, especially authority figures. My parents are authoritarian; their motto is “do as I say; not as I do”. They instilled this idea in me that said I have to follow everything they said, or else…(insert threat). This has affected me academically because I have a fear of getting into trouble with my professor for not getting an assignment done. When I’m being confronted with my professor, I feel like that little girl again who’s about to get punished for not being “perfect”. Usually, I cry in my bedroom or talk to a counselor if I’m really stressed out. But lately, I’ve been crying in class. I hate crying in front of people because I feel vulnerable and unsafe. My parents had mocked me for being emotional so I hid my true feelings from other people so they wouldn’t hurt me again. I’ve never had a long and lasting friendship due to my trust issues. This week, I been very sad and anxious. There’s an assignment that involves interacting with strangers that’s making me anxious and I’ve been dealing with some flashbacks from past internships that made me feel sad and emotionally vulnerable. I wear my emotions on my sleeves so I can’t but cry. 20+ years of pent up emotions are leaking out of me each day and it frustrates me to see my peers holding themselves together in class.
Hi @SoarHighandFly. I really hope that you find yourself a great talk therapist and find some ways to cope. I also HIGHLY recommend daily meditation. At some point there comes a time when all you can do is figure what works in finding you peace. That journey is personal and sometimes lonely but well worth it as in the end, only you can walk yourself out of the darkness. Good luck to you
I would find someone to talk to, professional. I think all schools have counselors/ therapists available. It is not unusual for issues from childhood to creep up on you but it will help to work with a professional.
Family’s impact on one’s personality is huge and life-long.
However after age 18, an adult is the master of his/her own emotion and destination. One can learn all the skills of self-healing from professionals or books, to overcome the insecurity from a dysfunctional original family. The “original family” fate would not control one any more if the person give himself/herself the courage and resource to learning&growing stronger.
books I would suggest are " the road less traveled" and " toxic parent"
But before books, you need checkout with a professional for medication or talking therapy, since your situation seems last much longer than a dysthymia (low mood), but would rather fit the discription of depression and anxiously.