<p>His work ethic is gone? So his attitude is completely and wholly dependent on everyone else? And somehow he thinks there is no one else of his academic prowess at the state school? If everything in his life from 18 years old on doesn’t go the way he wanted it to he will just sulk about it? I guess I made my point…sorry I got irritated and couldn’t do it in a nicer way…maybe too much caffeine this morning.</p>
<p>Here’s one more, I have always told my kids “life isn’t fair…” If life was fair I would be sitting on a beach, drinking a martini, wearing a bikini and I would look good in it…"</p>
<p>He could always transfer after a few semesters.</p>
<p>If he goes in with that attitude and already with the mindset of “I’m going to transfer” it will be a shame.</p>
<p>What is “BTW?”</p>
<p>I tend to think he’ll feel better once he gets to U of M because he will be surrounded by people who are going to U of M. He may find out that he loves the place; he may not. If he works hard and earns good grades, he will have the option of transferring.</p>
<p>At almost every college except Harvard, there are many, many freshmen who would have preferred to be somewhere else. But by the end of the first semester, most of them aren’t even thinking about other colleges anymore. They’re involved in their actual lives at the colleges that they’re attending.</p>
<p>BTW= by the way</p>
<p>“Yes, he’s in the Honors College and has almost all of his college (tuition and room and board) paid for too.”</p>
<p>Could you explain to him how fortunate he is to be in a Honors Program with all his expenses paid? There ought to be thousands of students dreaming of such opportunities. Also, could you talk to him about his chances at very selective graduate programs … where the money he saved (for you) could make the experience easier and where stellar grades at UM might be viewed very positively? </p>
<p>There are times when being a big fish in a smaller pond yields substantial benefits. Time has come for him to make the best of the situation, and to focus on the future, be in preparation for a transfer or for the next step at graduate school. Dwelling on the past serves no purpose, neither trying to compare his results to other students’. The Ivies will still be there in one, three, or four years. This is not a huge setback, but just a small detour.</p>
<p>Tell him to work his behind off, and apply for transfer. I would ordinarily tell my child to give it a chance, knowing that the odds are good that he will be very happy at the end of the year, BUT, in this case the program in his possible major is not the best. Lack of a strong program is to me, a legitimate reason to transfer.
We know as parents that his future prospects are stiil great, and mainly determined by him, not by the name on his diploma, but he doesn’t know that, and he is also dealing with the normal separation anxieties. You may have to just support him through this.</p>
<p>Ebeee. I think this is a little harsh and oversimplified. Of course my son has had to deal with disappointment and move on before. He likes athletics, but was only able to make the freshman and sophmore soccer teams, partly because of the competition at a big public H.S. Please don’t act like this is something that everyone just bounces back from. I appreciate many of the good comments, Northstar mom makes some good points. But you might recognize that a 4 year effort that is not rewarded is a more major disappointment than most and that at 18, one is not necessarily mature enough to see the bigger picture that we parents see.</p>
<p>I’ll write from the perspective of a peer. I would have been very dissapointed too if I ended up at my State U after working like a dog in school for 12 years. I would especially be dissapointed to attend a school not strong in my area of interest. From what you tell us, he has the credentials for a better college. You have to wonder what went wrong if he applied to ivies, Chicago and Northwestern and didn’t get into even one. Did something go wrong in the process? Did the school not know how to promote their students? Teachers not know how to write recs? What about a gap year and the help of a college counselor in reapplying? I’m taking a gap year although I did get into my first choice school, an ivy, as are several of my friends who got into top schools. What was the story on here last year where the kid was rejected by every school and then got into MIT the next year?</p>
<p>At almost every college except Harvard, there are many, many freshmen who would have preferred to be somewhere else.</p>
<p>I would expect even at a Harvard- its just the transition
we have to complain and moan about it
My daughter cried after spending a night in her dorm- she was scared to death about what was now expected of her.
As a first gen college student, having gotten into her academic/financial reach college- taht was a pretty high bar.
She got over it, but I also know that if she hadn’t and went to the instate public college, she would have done fine there also.
It isn’t about the workplace/the college, its about what * you * bring to the table.</p>
<p>“We were not at all manipulative about the process.”</p>
<p>Maybe you should have been? Having dealt with very smart kids for many years (my own and others) they often aren’t emotionally or socially near the level of their intelligence. A little guidance doesn’t hurt. There is an incorrect assumption that intelligence is across the board with smart kids, rarely does that occur in nature. </p>
<p>Maybe you need to provide a little “tough love”? Yes, I am serious, what in reality is the problem? Any problem here is self-generated, nothing outside is causing it. So is there really a problem that can’t be solved here?</p>
<p>I am sure you love your son, just as I love my kids. However, if this were mine, I would give him a swift kick in the backside at this point. With all the things going on in the world… what does he have to be sad about? Let’s see he’s in the honors program, most if not all of his first 4 are paid for. At a certain point enough is enough. </p>
<p>Maybe I’m just grouchy today, but he should be jacked up about going to college and having the experience of his life. It may not be a time to nurture right now. Again sorry for my grumpy disposition.</p>
<p>“At almost every college except Harvard”</p>
<p>Pleeeeease.</p>
<p>"From what you tell us, he has the credentials for a better college. You have to wonder what went wrong if he applied to ivies, Chicago and Northwestern and didn’t get into even one. Did something go wrong in the process? "</p>
<p>I would know what was wrong if the student applied to those schools plus UMinn.: He had no match schools. Every one of the above schools is a reach except U Minn., and every one of those schools except the U have to turn down highly qualified students because of lack of space for all of the qualified students who apply.</p>
<p>cangel, xiggi, northstarmom, your comments are very helpful. Here’s a question: assuming he stays at Uof M, and stays in Physics, can he still get into a top grad school for Physics? or because the U is weak in Physics, does that diminish his grad school opportunities? I know this is looking pretty far out, but he is a focused kid, so this is very likely.</p>
<p>Disappointment reaches up pretty far in the U.S. News rankings, Opie. </p>
<p>I went to Cornell, and there were plenty of people there who were extremely disappointed to have been rejected by even more prestigious colleges. They had chips on their shoulders so big that it was amazing they could maneuver through the doors of their dorm rooms. Most of these people were fine, though, by the end of the first semester (though many people believe that the local custom of throwing fish on the ice during the Cornell-Harvard hockey game traces back to the lingering disappointment of the Harvard rejects).</p>
<p>peege,
He should contact the physics department and find out what happens to their majors after they graduate. </p>
<p>Since U of Minn. is a state flagship and a major research university, I would imagine that if he does well in physics there, he could go to a good grad school. If he’s American, that’s a plus, too, because due to the post Sept. 11 immigration restrictions, universities are desperate to find American graduate students in the hard sciences. I was talking yesterday about this to a physics professor at one of my state’s top public universities.</p>
<p>When my younger S was considering physics, he also was told this by a physics prof at a second tier college that he was considering applying to as a safety. The professor told him that if my S did well, he’d not only be able to get into a good physics grad program, but he’d also be showered with money.</p>
<p>BTW, don’t think that disappointment and second guessing is confined to students who aren’t at Ivies. When I went to Harvard, first semester, virtually all of my friends wished we’d gone elsewhere. This included even wishing to have gone to third tier schools that we hadn’t even applied to! It’s normal for students to have buyer’s remorse at first no matter where they’ve been accepted to. Most settle down and are happy by at least the middle of second semester, when they’ve made friends, learned the lay of the land, and have some fun ECs.</p>
<p>peege, I understand how he might be disappointed but it’s likely that the work ethic which you think may have disappeared, may, in fact, just be in hiding at this point. 
If the program he’s interested in is not strong at UMinn, then I agree that he should work hard and plan to transfer. One thing that needs to be mentioned, though, is that from what you’ve told us, he did not do a good job at arriving at his list of schools this time last year to which he wanted to apply. A smart, successful student like him should have had many offers, and that didn’t happen. It doesn’t appear that he had any match schools on his list, which is a huge mistake. Now there’s nothing you can do about THAT now, however, when compiling a list for tranfer, he’s going to have to do a better job of finding realistic possibilities and not just reaches. Best of luck to him.</p>
<p>Ditto NSM’s comments. I went to a 3rd tier college, and was in a very small major (one of 3 to graduate in my major, my year) - this can often be a very good situation, with lots of hands on teaching, personal advice, attention, etc. AND U of M is not some unknown 3rd tier school by any means! Some of the physics profs will be happy to talk to him and advise him about grad school, careers, etc. It may be to his advantage to be a big duck in a small pond, and if he needs more research opportunities, etc, those profs will important in helping him get to, say Caltech.</p>