Question about Drugs

Parent Cafe
21

<p>hereshoping, I am glad our kids are doing so well, mine are too, but some of us are being honest and realistic…would you really cut off your child for doiing drugs one time? and you aren’t sending them to party, but they are adults and will try stupid things…guess you were perfect growing up, never were tempted etc</p>

<p>mine don’t hang out with kids who do drugs either, but as we all know, that can change, the kids can change</p>

<p>we certainly are a hypocritical generation- we have our valium, our viagra, our happy pills, etc, all legal getting people high, we are a way over prescribed nation, and yet we are so willing to jump and disown kids who take drugs</p>

<p>i have talked to my kids, talked about what garbage is put in stuff now that wasn’t so much years ago, we talk about meth, drinking, smoking (which suprisingly I see more young people doing- sadly)</p>

<p>my point was that with drugs advertised on tv nightly, on the radio, the if your are not feeling perky all the time, pop a legal pill mentality, yet the ban on hemp because it is related to pot, kids see the hypocracy…</p>

<p>and when we see public figures denying responsibility, and elected ones at that, hiding by going into rehab, they see the hypocracy</p>

<p>when we as a culture are so arrogant in our attitudes- ie pot bad, valium good, martinis good, hemp bad, and as parents, if we aren’t intellectually honest, we will have no influence</p>

22

<p>“If my kids told me stories about how their close friends did drugs, but maintained they were straightedge, I’d be concerned, leal.”</p>

<p>Oops, I made the mistake of referring to a post by hereshoping without noticing that the post was by hereshoping. And now hereshoping has resurrected her old personal grudge against me and is getting personal.</p>

<p>I offered some advice to the OP. It was well-intentioned. It was NOT directed at YOU, hereshoping. I am happy to hear that your kids are so well behaved. And, since I know my son very well, I am choosing to ignore your attack. </p>

<p><a moment’s=“” thought=“”></a></p><a moment’s=“” thought=“”>

<p>Nah, I changed my mind. On second thought, I am going to respond.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>My son’s closest friends do not drink or do drugs. That’s why they’re his closest friends. Perhaps you missed the part about him no longer hanging around those 2 people. Actually, his list of friends who like to party without substances has narrowed considerably as of late. Not too many teens out there who don’t drink and do drugs. Don’t be so self-righteous and naive. If you think NONE of your kids’ close friends drink or do drugs, then… please by all means can you please introduce them to my son? There’s slim pickin’s around here to find such gems. You have no idea just how lucky your kids are. Please, by all means, do let us know if their lucky and pristine pure social circle stays intact without any nasty substances for their entire college experience. Then let us know the name of the college since it is obviously so unique.</p></li>
<li><p>Mind you effin’ business and quit being so nasty.</p></li>
</ol>
</a>

23

<p>cgm, great post!</p>

24

<p>Actually, I was trying to help, perhaps awkwardly. No offense intended. Glad all is okay.</p>

25

<p>OK, sorry if I overreacted. I took it as a personal attack because of past attacks, and because my son was not even mentioned in this thread. This thread is not about him.</p>

<p>Even the most trusted kids can sometimes change in college (or anytime). Circumstances change, people change, mistakes are made. That’s why I think it’s important to not be naive. At the same time, it’s also important to honor our kids when they do something RIGHT, especially if it’s because of their own convictions rather than fear of consequences. I won’t water down the fact that my son has convictions, and if that comes across as bragging, well, what can I say? Haven’t we all bragged about our kids? (especially HERE, posting their stats, etc.) Is that so bad? At this point in time, he has the same disgust towards drugs as he does towards eating dead animals. That’s why I’m not too concerned about it. Am I concerned about OTHER things? Of course. Just not that. Will he always have those convictions? I hope so. But, I do not need to prove the strength of his convictions to someone on an online discussion forum. All of us, as parents, are doing the best we can. We all make mistakes, and all of our kids make mistakes. All we can do is discuss the challenges we have in common and hopefully learn from one another.</p>

26

<p>

</p>

<p>It is if the school expects the parent to pay for some of the cost, as even public schools are wont to do. Most public universities aren’t chump change these days.</p>

<p>It’s fine that you sent a clear message, but what if the same message also leads the child to lie instead of come forward? I’d rather see a TREND than base a harsh judgment on one folly. I’m not a parent, of course, so I know my opinion becomes largely moot according to many, but I am someone who has a lot of real world experience with a drug user. The last thing you want is to drive them away or “punish” a single indiscretion. It doesn’t work in most cases.</p>

27

<p>Most flagship universities have branch campuses within reasonable distances (we have one near us where my son could complete his degree, for example, if necessary). He could work and live at home while doing this. I wouldn’t call breaking the law an “indiscretion.”</p>

28

<p>"At this point in time, he has the same disgust towards drugs as he does towards eating dead animals. That’s why I’m not too concerned about it. "</p>

<p>My older S felt the same way about drugs and booze – until he went to college. He spent his free time working and volunteering (and we knew where he was since he didn’t have a drivers license until he left home), and sitting around at home-- his choice. </p>

<p>I am not saying this to state that your S is doing differently than you think or that you should become very concerned about your S. I just know that young people can make some amazingly quick changes in their actions and viewpoints. I saw that when I was in college. I see it today, too.</p>

<p>Even when my S was living at home and seemed to be as conservative as any person could be, I never said that he would never use drugs or drink underage. Having worked in the substance abuse field, I had seen too many people (including one of our staff psychiatrists!) who ended up being active drug users or alcoholics despite having behavior that even the experts couldn’t see through. One simply never knows what is going on in others’ lives, no matter how much we love them and think that we know them. </p>

<p>That being said, I wouldn’t stop my support for the college education for a kid of mine who admitted using drugs.</p>

<p>I would be concerned, and would let them know about my concern. I would be clear about my boundaries – such as no drugs in my house, and if they flunked classes, they’d have to pay to retake those classes. I wouldn’t provide that help. If they flunked out of school, I wouldn’t contribute to their college education until they had proved themselves by funding themselves to college for at least a year, and getting a decent average. I would pray a lot.</p>

29

<p>I wouldn’t freak out if my kid was doing cocaine. I’d tell them to find better things to do with their time and money, and like lealdragon I’d make sure the kid wasn’t getting into binge-drinking, meth, or smoking. Parents should encourage their child to quit cocaine because of the danger of addiction and legal repercussions (which are probably the best way to convince a kid to stop–the cost of several years in prison is something you can’t deny, while things like bodily harm are questionable depending on dosage and frequency of use).</p>

<p>Seriously, didn’t you all do dangerous things as students? Everyone does dumb things, and not everyone turns into an addict. Taking extreme disciplinary steps when your dabbling child is over 18 is NOT going to solve anything. It won’t stop them from using, that’s for sure. It’ll just disrupt their education, harden their attitude, and lead them into further drug use/escape. Instead, have an adult-to-adult talk with the kid to make sure the kid doesn’t need help, isn’t in over their head, and isn’t doing more than dabbling. Establish that you are there to support and help them, not to punish them for something that doesn’t deserve punishment.</p>

<p>It’s important not to jump to conclusions: My kid would never do drugs; Kids who try drugs are the ones who fail classes; If the kid does drugs they will fail classes and end up a loser on the side of the road; Taking extreme disciplinary measures (removing the kid from school, making the kid pay for college, making the kid live at home) will make the kid stop doing drugs; I can control the mind and body of an adult living away from home; etc.</p>

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<p>Posts #28 and #29</p>

<p>I agree completely with both of these great posts. NSM, thank you for your concern and you are absolutely right, and I appreciate the sensitive, understanding way in which you stated your points.</p>

<p>Just for the record, I never said that my son WOULD NEVER do drugs or drink. I stated that at this point in time, he has a very strong conviction against them, just as he has a strong conviction against meat. I am obviously very happy about this. He gets most of the credit, as he has his own reasons for his convictions. It was not necessarily a result of how we raised him, so I don’t claim all the credit. I also stated that I am well aware that people can and do often change, especially when they get into a new social circle. Of course I have concerns about whether he will be able to maintain his convictions when he is in college. Primarily I am concerned because drinking/drugging are such a big part of the social scene. I do know that there are specialty groups, like a vegetarian club, a straightedge club, etc. so I hope that he can find those groups. Not so much that I’m worried he’ll cave under pressure (he’s EXTREMELY strong-willed!) but that I don’t want him to feel so all alone. And feeling all alone is a very prominent reason why kids change. They DO want to belong, so that is a very real concern.</p>

<p><a href=“http://www.straightedgelifestyle.com/[/url]”>http://www.straightedgelifestyle.com/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>edit: I agree, b4nnd20, that there is a HUGE difference between a few isolated instances of dabbling and habitual use. And, you explained the myths very well. Yes indeed it is a myth that druggies don’t do well in school. I myself, back in the 70s, had a 4.0 GPA, worked 30 hours per week as a computer programmer, and was quite the druggie. So just because the student seems exemplary is NO indication of whether or not s/he uses drugs. And everyone knows about the extreme drinking/drugging at prestigious universities. My son’s best friend went to Rice and he said the very first weekend he was there, he got offered every drug you can think of. His parents offered to buy him a car when he graduated if he managed to stay clean. That was their way of trying to help him stay clean. (Not sure how they intended to enforce that, but that is none of my business.)</p>

31

<p>" And feeling all alone is a very prominent reason why kids change. They DO want to belong, so that is a very real concern."</p>

<p>You are very right. I think that’s also why my S began partying. In h.s., he had never had real friends because he was far more into his career – journalism – than even most of our local college students. In college, though, he made friends at the school newspaper, guys who were several years older than him, and admired him for his experience. I think that to fit in with them, S started partying and things got out of hand.</p>

32

<p>Beliefs are certain to change. A lot of my high school friends are the types who would never do drugs, and if you had asked them 2 or 3 years ago if they’d ever do drugs, they’d look at you as if you had just asked them if they’d ever jump off a cliff. But now all that has changed. It’s a matter of opportunity and exposure. It’s easy for a kid to dismiss drugs as an abstract concept or alien experience, but once the kid actually socializes with normal people who have done them, the belief system changes and you can’t depend on your child’s innocent, baseless dismissal of drugs. You have to have instilled in them something deeper and more practical, beyond drugs: the ability and confidence to be cool while saying No, but also, more importantly, the ability and confidence to make sensible Yes decisions.
Your child will take risks. Kids grow up. Adults don’t have fun with sippy cups and sandboxes. Learn to live with that.</p>

33

<p>“uys who were several years older than him, and admired him for his experience. I think that to fit in with them, S started partying”</p>

<p>This is a very good point. Right now, most of my son’s druggie friends are what he calls ‘losers.’ It is true that he will undoubtedly meet successful, even (otherwise) exemplary people who are druggies.</p>

<p>“you can’t depend on your child’s innocent, baseless dismissal of drugs. You have to have instilled in them something deeper and more practical, beyond drugs: the ability and confidence to be cool while saying No”</p>

<p>His dismissal of drugs is not baseless or innocent. He has already been exposed to drugs in a very profound way. (Not him personally, but people that he was close to.) He’s had several friends who were extreme drinkers, another who got busted for pot, another who was in and out of rehab for heroin addiction by the time he was 16. Another who is a mega-pothead, and another who constantly brags about her many acid trips (as often as she can, sometimes a couple of times a week) in addition to being a pothead, a stripper, and a binge drinker, all at age 19. Then there is another who is in jail for drug charges. Oh, and he has a cousin who is a meth-head. And the kid down the street who used to be his best friend became a pothead at 13. He’s from a religious family and they don’t have a clue.</p>

<p>Interestingly, the stripper/tripper is highly intelligent, perhaps even gifted. I was blown away by her keen intellect when I met her. Her family is ultra-conservative and very religious, so clearly there is a rebellion factor here. My son has the utmost disdain for her ‘wasting her life’ by getting wasted. He distanced himself from her when she told him some drug dealers were after her boyfriend.</p>

<p>Thankfully, his best friend (the one who went to Rice but is now back in town) is not a drinker/druggie, and he does have a few other close friends who aren’t.</p>

<p>Anyway, the point is, that it’s not like he belonged to some ‘straight’ (as opposed to straightedge) clique of kids in high school and never got exposed to this stuff. It’s not a matter of innocence. He says it’s because he does not like being out of control - that is a big issue for him - and he sees these people out of control and he has complete disdain for what he considers stupidity. There is probably also an element of wanting to do better than what his parents did, since his parents were druggies as teenagers and he wants to distance himself from us. And, the straightedge movement is most definitely considered ‘cool’ which is refreshing, because back in the 70s, only the druggie freaks were considered ‘cool.’ I’m glad that the movement has brought the ‘straight’ into ‘cool.’ Its connection to a cool music scene makes it more than just ‘staying away from drugs’ and some of these XXX (that’s what they call themselves) kids are really hardcore about their lifestyle.</p>

<p>However, having said all that, I do absolutely agree that it may be different when he meets some highly intelligent, highly successful students who manage to juggle their partying with their successes. I can only hope that I have indeed instilled some deeper values in him, which is what I tried to do. That’s what we all hope for, right?</p>

<p>And, if it turns out that he does dabble in stuff/make some mistakes, well, we will be there for him. You have to know your kid. Coming down hard might be appropriate in some families but not in others. One parent’s approach that works fine for his/her kid might be disastrous for another parent’s kid. We really can’t judge how another parent decides to approach a very difficult situation. All we can do is offer suggestions.</p>

34

<p>I believe the original question of the OP was “How would you react if you found out YOUR kid did cocaine in college.” I don’t see the necessity of the condescending tone of some of the above posts.</p>

35

<p>hereshoping, YOU brought MY son into the conversation.</p>

<p>When are you going to let go of your grudge against me?</p>

36

<p>hereshoping:</p>

<p>“If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen”</p>

37

<p>Okey-dokey!</p>

38

<p>I clearly can’t say what I would do with a child who used drugs, but I can tell you that when my parents found out I smoked pot, they completely ignored it, and I think will continue to do so unless my grades drop.</p>

<p>A friend of mine’s mother said to him one day, “Son, I know you experiment with drugs, but please promise me that you’ll never do meth.”</p>

39

<p>Yeah, quite a bit of difference between pot and meth…</p>

<p>Getting back to the OP’s original question, here is my suggestion:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>I would first determine if it was in fact coke and not meth. Is it possible that he told you it was coke as a cry for help? Make sure you are sure it’s not meth. If it IS meth, then take it VERY seriously. All systems stop. Get the kid help. Immediately! Forget about school; your kid’s LIFE is far more important! Get educated so you can recognize the signs of meth addiction. Do some research. Pay attention. And do it NOW. Just a few months on meth can seriously mess someone up. And, remember that a lot of really good people gets hooked on meth. As I mentioned earlier, soccer moms, professionals…it is ridiculously easy to get hooked because just 1 time will often do it. And they can often maintain outward appearances so it’s hard to tell at first. That’s why getting educated is the key here. Let him know you still love him, but don’t even hesitate to come down as hard as you think is necessary to get the problem addressed. Don’t underestimate the power of the drug.</p></li>
<li><p>If it is in fact coke, then the next step would be to determine whether it was an isolated event, an occasional dabbling, or habitual use. If the first 2, then it will be up to you as to how hard you’re going to come down on him. Personally I would then determine the state of his grades, etc. as that will be a factor. How close are you to him? Can you have a deep, honest discussion? Does he even know that you know? Were possible consequences clearly laid out beforehand in anticipation of such an occurrence? Is he remorseful? Do you think you can trust him to quit on his own without it developing into a serious problem? If so, good intentions are not enough. He will need to make some changes, such as hanging around a different circle of friends so as to minimize the temptation. Then of course there’s the legality issue. It’s immature to risk legal problems when someone else is paying the college bills. Getting busted would be such a waste! All of these are just questions to consider, in the case of an isolated or occasional use. You will have to decide how severely you are going to deal with something that is, unfortunately, part of college life for a huge percentage of college students.</p></li>
<li><p>If, however, it IS coke but it’s a regular occurrence as opposed to isolated or occasional - by regular I mean every weekend or more, then the first question I would ask is: Where’s he getting the $$ to pay for it? Right away, there might be more to this than ‘just’ the drugs (as if that weren’t enough). Female students often strip or pose for smutty videos to make extra cash. Or they could be dealing. At any rate, unless you have your kid on an extravagant allowance, something’s going on to allow him/her to afford such an expensive drug. Then, of course, there is the addiction issue. Here again, I am suspicious that it might be meth instead of coke. Meth is much more addictive, less expensive, and easier to obtain. In either case, regular use is a serious issue and you have every right to come down hard…really hard. How you do that is up to you: give him an ultimatum, or withdraw funding now, or maybe withdraw at the end of the semester depending on whether he gets some help…those are the EASY questions. Far more serious is: how are you gonna get your kid off the drug. A change of scenery, like the local university, might be in order. Along with the obligatory drug counseling.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Best wishes to you during this difficult time!</p>

40

<p>

</p>

<p>We’ve all broken laws. You’ve never driven over the speed limit? Stolen? Missed a dollar or two on the good ol’ taxes? I bet there isn’t a person on the forum who hasn’t broken a law. </p>

<p>And is every law necessarily just? Is it the law itself that bothers you, or the fact that your child made a bad decision? Would you have treated your child the same way if he were involved in a sit-in, which is also an act of lawbreaking? It’s not the law that’s important in every case. It’s the intent as well.</p>

<p>None of us are perfect. All of us err. It’s what makes us human. </p>

<p>I do think that the satellite campus idea is reasonable enough, but to think that one mistake is reason enough to condemn someone seems overly harsh to me. I’m not deigning to know the relationship you have with your child, however. Maybe he thinks this is par for the course.</p>

<p>But remember that driving a child to secrets may be worse than accepting their imperfection.</p>