<p>Well said, UCLAri!</p>
<p>Trying it vs. buying it?</p>
<p>I’ve told my kids my growing up stories and both are far, far better than I was at their age. </p>
<p>Trying it. Ok what it’d do for ya? Was it worth it compared to enjoying a beer? Do you think you’ll try it again?
[For me coke basically was the combination of going to the dentist and getting novocained in the face and drinking a 6 shot expresso. Not the best high.] </p>
<p>Buying it? Hey, if you’ve got that kind of extra money lying around, what am I paying for xyz for? If you wanta buy that crap with your money, while I pay your bills, sorry it won’t do. If you want a drug habit, please don’t expect me to continue to subsidise everything else. If you’re gonna wear the bigboy pants, pay the bigboy bills.</p>
<p>“He’d be on his own in funding the remainder of his college career (three semesters to go).”</p>
<p>For once HH and I are largely on the same page. I’d bring the kid home, pronto. He’d prove, with a semester at a hometown college and regular drug tests, that he understood the family rules about cocaine. After that, he could go back to the original school (if they’d have him) and I’d resume paying, possibly with random, unannounced visits and drug tests for a semester or two. If he didn’t cooperate with any of the above, I’d cut him off financially.</p>
<p>Some first offenses warrant drastic punishment. Surely, if a young man had just committed his first rape, there wouldn’t be any suggestion that it should be overlooked because it was a first offense and we all make mistakes. Our differences on this point reflect our different notions about the seriousness of trying cocaine, not whether first offenses in general should be forgiven.</p>
<p>IMHO, coke is a f***-up-your life drug. There’s no way to tell which kid will end up in the gutter after sampling at parties; there’s no level of use that guarantees you won’t destroy your life. I put meth and heroin (including synthetic opiates like oxycodone) in the same category. This isn’t even taking into account the outrageously severe criminal penalties. My hypothetical kid cannot use these drugs in any amounts, period. If he does, I’m going to use all the persuasive power I have to make him stop, and in general the worst thing a parent can do to a college kid is make him move back home. Of course, some kids are bent on self-destruction and will become addicts anyway, but I’m going to do everything I can to get in the way.</p>
<p>Trying coke on the same level as rape???</p>
<p>Wow.</p>
<p>Coke the same as meth?</p>
<p>Not a chance. Coke does not addict the person the first time. Coke is nasty, no question about it. It brings out the worst in people. After 20 minutes all they want is more. But, if they don’t get more, they can still function and forget about it the next day.</p>
<p>Coke is bad s***. But it’s not in the same league as meth. Meth, 1 time and they’re addicted.</p>
<p>I didn’t say that rape and cocaine were equivalent. I pointed out that when a mistake is bad enough, the fact that it is a first offense is no excuse. I consider trying coke to be a sent-home-from-college offense. I can’t even imagine what I’d do if my son committed rape; it would probably include ceasing to consider him my son.</p>
<p>Not everyone who tries coke can forget about it the next day (especially if they’re smoking it). And there’s no way to tell whether a particular kid is going to be one of the unlucky ones.</p>
<p>“Not everyone who tries coke can forget about it the next day (especially if they’re smoking it). And there’s no way to tell whether a particular kid is going to be one of the unlucky ones.”</p>
<p>Cocaine is snorted, not smoked.</p>
<p>I’m not trying to be sarcastic. But I do think we’ll have more credibility with our kids if we get our facts straight.</p>
<p>I’m not saying coke is not serious. But where do you draw the line? Do you send your son home if you find out he has smoked pot once, too? Or gotten drunk once when underage?</p>
<p>Cocaine is smoked, too. When it’s smoked, it’s called “crack.”</p>
<p>Crack and coke are not the same thing. They are different chemicals.</p>
<p>Cocaine can also be smoked as free base. Or as coca paste, which can be added to cigarettes (although this usually happens in South America).</p>
<p><a href=“http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=freebase+cocaine[/url]”>Urban Dictionary: freebase cocaine;
<p><a href=“http://www.cocaine.org/cocapaste/index.html[/url]”>http://www.cocaine.org/cocapaste/index.html</a></p>
<p>“But where do you draw the line? Do you send your son home if you find out he has smoked pot once, too? Or gotten drunk once when underage?”</p>
<p>Nope. I draw the line at f<strong><em>-up-your-life drugs. There would be much less severe punishment for trying pot once. I would not punish a college-age child for careful, moderate alcohol use that did no harm. Clearly, you don’t consider cocaine to be a f</em></strong>-up-your-life drug, but I do.</p>
<p>I think Cocaine has been smoked for a long time
<a href=“http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cocaine[/url]”>http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cocaine</a>
<a href=“http://losangeles.about.com/od/famouspeoplecelebrities/a/richpryor2.htm[/url]”>http://losangeles.about.com/od/famouspeoplecelebrities/a/richpryor2.htm</a>
Perhaps you are too young to remember Richard Pryor :(</p>
<p>I believe that crack is much cheaper than the sort of cocaine that is snorted, and the high is also more immediate although doesn’t last as long.
The criminal punishment is also much more severe- 5 years for 5 grams of rock cocaine as opposed to over 500 gms of powder cocaine-</p>
<p>OK, then it’s a terminology issue. I agree that CRACK is in the same category as meth. </p>
<p>NOTE: All of my above comments were referring to the cocaine POWDER that is snorted, not crack.</p>
<p>I thought that crack was a derivative of coke - has had its chemical composition altered, in the same way that meth is a derivative of crank/speed. I will look at your links later today.</p>
<p>edit: NOTE to OP: There is a huge difference between snorting a line of coke and smoking CRACK cocaine. I may be mistaken about the chemical composition - no time to research it right now. But I just want to clarify that smoking CRACK is indeed in the same category as meth. I agree that more drastic measures are warranted if that is what the kid did. College kids might be tempted to snort a line or take a hit off a bong. But it is the height of stupidity to do crack or meth. No excuse.</p>
<p>One thing to note here, alot of knee jerk reactions, a sudden enforcement of the “family law”, a bolting down the latches, sealing water tight doors. </p>
<p>Is that really the best way to approach it? I’m going to force my will upon you? Are you certain that is the best way to deal? </p>
<p>Wouldn’t the smartest thing to do is have a talk, see how far things have gone? The reason alot of parents don’t know what their kids are doing is because the parents have restricted communication by utlimatum? </p>
<p>First thing is you always want your kid to be able to talk to you, not just about the good things. Second, you need to be honest about any of your experiences and especially your mistakes. It’s not just “drugs are baad… uhum.” speech, it should be from the heart. </p>
<p>It’s not downward communication anymore, it’s cross communication.</p>
<p>“Second, you need to be honest about any of your experiences and especially your mistakes.”</p>
<p>If being honest about drug/alcohol use means voluntarily inserting into a conversation information that one has used drugs, that’s not a good idea.</p>
<p>Your kid may conclude that if drugs were good enough for you, and you survived, then it also would be a good idea for your kid to use drugs. Even if you mention having had drug-caused major problems, your kid may conclude that they won’t have those problems because they’re smarter about drugs than you were.</p>
<p>I respectfully disagree. I think that is a convenient way to avoid admitting to the kid that you are human, just as he is, and humans make mistakes.</p>
<p>I think kids deserve more credit. They really do have the ability to listen to reason (well, sometimes!).</p>
<p>Are you certain you kid won’t know you are lying? They ARE perceptive.</p>
<p>It could go either way. Sure, the kid ‘might’ conclude that since you survived he will too. But, it could just as easily be the opposite, and your honest discussion might be what keeps him AWAY from drugs. </p>
<p>I still think honesty is the best policy. If you hide your own mistakes, your kid ‘may’ think that it’s ok to do drugs and then lie about it.</p>
<p>Whereas, if you are honest, and you emphasize that it was a mistake, and focus on all the nasty things that happened, and give graphic details about people you knew who OD’ed and died, the kid just might respect you and learn from your mistakes.</p>
<p>“Is that really the best way to approach it? I’m going to force my will upon you? Are you certain that is the best way to deal?”</p>
<p>As opposed to having a calm, rational discussion about the pros and cons of cocaine use? Yes, I am certain that I wouldn’t have that conversation with an 18-year-old. Maybe I’m able to take a harder line because I have never used any illegal drug. Everyone makes mistakes, but I just don’t think it’s difficult to avoid this particular pitfall. IMHO, snorting coke shows such a lack of good judgment that it would seriously affect my impression of the student’s maturity and readiness to live at college with no supervision. The same goes for other criminal behavior that I consider outrageously reckless, such as drunk driving. If you show that kind of callous disregard for your future and for the safety of others, you’re coming home or else you’re off the family dole.</p>
<p>I don’t view this as forcing my will on anyone. The kid makes the choice. You tell your kids the rules and the consequences for breaking them before they ever leave for college. They have a choice to do coke/meth/heroin or not. If they do, they then make the choice whether to move home for a semester or find their own way to pay for college.</p>
<p>If someone comes to me saying, “I have a drug problem; I need help,” I’ll try to find help. If they say, “I used hard drugs, but trust me, there’s no problem and I can stay in school,” that’s a different story. If you show by your actions that you don’t deserve my trust, you can’t regain it with words. I’m not paying for anyone’s college education unless they DEMONSTRATE that they have enough good judgment to avoid such obvious, high-stakes mistakes. Five years for possession is no joke, and when it’s coke, people really serve that time.</p>
<p>“The reason alot of parents don’t know what their kids are doing is because the parents have restricted communication by utlimatum?”</p>
<p>I agree completely. I know so many of my son’s friends who tell me stuff that their parents have no clue about. Kids WANT communication. They want to be LISTENED TO, not just ordered around.</p>
<p>I think kids are likely to come to their parents when they have problems if there is open communicationm on both sides. By coming to their parents with their problems, they can get help early, instead of waiting til it’s a monster. </p>
<p>I think harsh punishments with no chance of discussion rarely deters kids from doing stuff like drugs. It just makes them more clever at hiding their actions.</p>
<p>When I said ‘come down hard’ if you found out your kid was doing meth or crack, yes, but come down hard with whatever you need to do to get your kid off the drug. Extreme measures may be necessary, but it’s an issue of survival for your kid, not so much punishment. You do it because you love your kid. And you do it with good communication, firmness, and love and compassion because you know people make mistakes. </p>
<p>Communication and open, honest discussion of the parents’ past mistakes can be a bonding thing. It’s genrally better to be honest and connect rather than to be dishonest and cut communication. How can you expect honest communication from your kid if you are withholding your own mistakes?</p>
<p>"If being honest about drug/alcohol use means voluntarily inserting into a conversation information that one has used drugs, that’s not a good idea.</p>
<p>Your kid may conclude that if drugs were good enough for you, and you survived, then it also would be a good idea for your kid to use drugs. Even if you mention having had drug-caused major problems, your kid may conclude that they won’t have those problems because they’re smarter about drugs than you were."</p>
<p>I totally disagree, the way you’re suggesting is just going to end up getting caught in a lie. I told mine I was stupid and later lucky when I did these things, I laid out exactly how things would go down [which for over 25 years apparently hasn’t changed] the answer I gave at the time and just told them because I did something stupid, should they? For the most part, they got it. </p>
<p>If I wasn’t truthful about this part of my life, they’d know and be more curious about it. Why is it a secret? let’s find out.</p>
<p>“They have a choice to do coke/meth/heroin or not. If they do, they then make the choice whether to move home for a semester or find their own way to pay for college.”</p>
<p>Or they simply tell you everything is fine and you’ll never know and as long as you never know, it never happened. Till they go too far…</p>
<p>Or they move out on their own, provide little or no communication and fall deeper into a problem because those “people” are the only ones who “listen” to them. </p>
<p>Yes, I have my limits of tolerance as well, but I want to keep mistakes “small” when they can be easily taken care of, rather than forced underground where they grow into real problems. </p>
<p>Just a different style, what ever works… works.</p>
<p>"Maybe I’m able to take a harder line because I have never used any illegal drug. "</p>
<p>That does seem to be the case. Unfortunately, it is not as simple as you paint it to be. It is woven into the fabric of the college culture, even prestigious colleges. Distasteful as that is, it is the truth. Your kids may face situations that you have no concept of.</p>
<p>"the answer I gave at the time and just told them because I did something stupid, should they? For the most part, they got it. </p>
<p>If I wasn’t truthful about this part of my life, they’d know and be more curious about it. Why is it a secret? let’s find out."</p>
<p>Exactly. If you have good communication with your kids, they will know if you are hiding something. That, imo, is worse than coming clean.</p>