<p>^^^
In cases such as that dstark, I do find is amusing that those same siblings who won’t lift a finger to help with the care and administration of the parents affairs, suddenly have a lot of interest when assets are being distributed.</p>
<p>HarvestMoon1, I love your last post.</p>
<p>True!</p>
<p>I have to agree that there is nothing stopping the OP’s H from walking into the bank where the account is held, presenting identification, and asking for details on the account balances, recent statements, and how the account is titled. The bank should be able to help him determine what rights the siblings have to get money out; just because BIL has check writing capabilities doesn’t mean the siblings can’t get the money out by asking for cashier’s checks (depending on how the account is set up). Seems like at a minimum one of the siblings other than the BIL and the one getting paid should go to the bank and ask some questions, even you leave the money where it is. The BIL sounds like someone who will abuse his position, and having the information could not hurt.</p>
<p>I handle my parents affairs, when they were far away, I was in charge of it, when they moved close to me, i am in charge of it all. After Dad died, my mother moved in with me, I was desperate for nearby sister to take her out once or twice a month, desperate for brother to call her once a week, finally I figured out the responsibility is mine 100%, 24/7/365. No one else is going to or would be acceptable to step up and take Mom into their home either due to relationships or no room, but mainly, I think I am the only one who could live with her.</p>
<p>At first I resented no help, but as soon as I let go of all expectations and decided any offer is 100% a gift to me, I felt much better. I could run things by the others and I often do with my “good sister” who calls weekly, visits annually, and also has experience in the areas in which I question her. I don’t perceive that any of them care, that any of them would want a report, but maybe they feel left out?</p>
<p>You are incredibly generous and caring, somemom. You are another who is “doing the right thing” because it is the right thing to do. In every family there is typically one who rises to the occasion and often others who are armchair quarterbacks but wont help directly and are full of excuses when asked.</p>
<p>I don’t think you should be revealing so many details about your brother- and sister-in-law’s personal finances in a public forum, especially since your picture is on your account and you are therefore not anonymous. No offense intended, but if you were my sister-in-law I would kindly suggest the you keep out of it.</p>
<p>My family consists of four siblings. I do some things for my mom, I send her dinner most nights, grocery shop, administrative things. My husband and daughter take her to various appointments and visit her very regularly. However, my brother, God bless him, has her living in his house and even purchased the current house for her old age. He is a saint, in my opinion, and I couldn’t respect, admire or appreciate him more. My sister does nothing but cause trouble. Any trouble she can possibly create. The other brother doesn’t even visit. He lives across the country, but passes my mom’s house every month or so when visiting his own son. The non-involved brother and sister have a lot to say about care decisions and about what mom’s final arrangements will be. Their views are completely at odds with those of us who actually care for her. The brother with whom she lives is sane, sensible, calm, educated, reasonable. He is absolutely convinced that my sister is demanding a wake and funeral and repast because she plans to arrange to have someone with a truck at the house where mom lives to take out whatever she wants. He really isn’t crazy. This sister doesn’t go to wakes or funerals (not even our father’s) and is demanding those things. There has to be a reason. My mother has specified that her antique china go to oldest brother’s daughter, who also lives across the country by does a lot for mom and is the closest person in the world to her. My sister swears that if her daughter (she of the wedding) doesn’t get the china, sister will smash it before niece can get it. I believe her. My mother put all of her assets into my brother’s name years ago so no one can have any say about anything. She has an iron-clad will and has explained what she has done so there will be no suprises. Everything monetary goes to brother. which is as it should be. she also asked if we wanted personal items and included those wishes where possible. I think this is all completelly reasonable and fair. My sister and SIL do not. Heaven help me when the time comes.</p>
<p>Why not ship the china cabinet to the granddaughter now? Its pretty darned clear, since mom is alive, that that is her wish.</p>
<p>
It’s not the cabinet, it’s the actual dishes and mom still uses them. I cook at her house for holidays and we do use that china for some holidays. we will probably ship them, but it would be nice if mom could keep them if she wants them and know that they will be safely passed on. I’m sorry, but I think it’s weird and obnoxious to demand the personal property of someone else against their wishes.</p>
<p>^This! Gift the china now.</p>
<p>Ignore your sister and change the locks on the house. And have some of your DH’s big ,burly coworkers stand guard at brothers home if/when any memorial service were to be held.</p>
<p>You and your brother should have someone or several people stay at his house during the funeral and burial. That would keep your sister from getting anything that she isn’t suppose to. Even better, hire an off duty policeman to house sit. That would annoy her!!!</p>
<p>I have 3 sets of china (mine, my mom’s and much of my grandmother’s) . No one wants it :(</p>
<p>
My mother doesn’t want a wake or a funeral, doesn’t believe in them. Eventually, we’ll see who wins on that one. Not soon I hope.</p>
<p>
Maybe you wlll have a granddaughter someday who will! My niece doesn’t want the china to want it, she wants it because her grandmother wants her to have it. My daughters and I want her to have it, as well, because she is so wonderful with and to my mom.</p>
<p>Thats what I keep hoping, zoos, but my future DIL says her mom has 4 sets of china!</p>
<p>If your (^*)^& sister wants to organize her own memorial, expressly against her mother’s wishes, she can sit by herself and do it Dont participate. Ignore.</p>
<p>
Then I wish you at least one, and preferably two, granddaughters to love and spoil!</p>
<p>
We are not convinced (I may be crazy but my brother is not) that she wants to have a memorial service of any type because she doesn’t ever go to them, but instead wants to get everyone out of the way. She can’t really say anything about my brother getting everything because he has supported my mother for a decade (she isn’t poor, he just chooses to do this). What she doesn’t know is that my brother, who is Godfather to her daughter and my son and is very wealthy, is planning to leave everything to my kids because he has none of his own. I am confident she will kill me at that point.</p>
<p>Keeping the houses of the deceased person and relatives under guard during any kind of announced funeral service is sometimes advised because thieves have been known to target such houses, using the funeral announcements as their shopping lists.</p>
<p>Happened here with bar mitzvah announcements. So now they “announce” the bar mitzvah after its occurred.</p>
<p>I guess I am very lucky in my brother. We both have power of attorney for my Mum but I live in the US and he & Mum live in England. He bears almost the whole responsibility of taking care of her finances and making decisions about her care (She is in a home and has dementia). He sends me a spreadsheet with all the finances every month. And he never makes me feel guilty about not being able to do more (I already feel guilty, living 3,500 miles away really sucks when a loved one is at this stage of their lives). He has really been amazing.</p>