<p>If the brother was cognizant of his position as executor/administrator of his mother’s assets with the responsibilities and obligations on his part to honor his mother’s last wishes and the fiduciary responsibilities involved, he should have considered even raising that issue is at best, highly inappropriate. Wrong time and venue. </p>
<p>This is one situation that should have been initially brought up ideally by the sister or gently suggested by other family members. He as the loaner and on top of that, executor/administrator of his mother’s estate would have been better off deciding discretion in NOT bringing it up himself is the better part of valor and good sense. Especially in what is an emotionally delicate time for his family members. </p>
<p>And again, it seems like a lot of posters on this thread are forgetting one important factor, the sister was making consistent timely payments and is current and thus, has fully honored her part of the agreement her brother and his lawyer wife drew up. Don’t know about anyone else, but that should count for something IMO. </p>
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<p>And if one cannot anticipate, to put it very kindly, he could be any more of a heel…OP provides further evidence of that assessment… </p>
<p>Again… this apparently is not “estate money”. It was held jointly in an account with the siblings from what I can tell. That money is NOT part of the estate, and any responsibilities the BIL may have as personal representative are irrelevant when it comes to this money. It is a separate situation, not under the umbrella of the estate or the personal rep’s responsibilities. </p>
<p>If what we are reading is consistent with what intparent says, inparent is correct. If all sibs are jointly on that account, any one of them could suck all the money out. Mom2, can you clarify how this account is set up, and who has checkwriting priviledges?</p>
<p>However, there is a difference between A modifying the contract in B’s favor (what you did) and A modifying the contract in a way that B does not like (what the OP’s BIL is trying to do). The former is generosity, while the latter is a source of conflict (and can make B less willing to be generous in modifying the contract).</p>
<p>The fact that there are over 160 responses to this thread, some pretty heated, shows that this situation is fraught with the potential to cause and worsen family relationships, now and going forward, in this generation and the next. It really is sad that money disputes can harm relationships in this way. </p>
<p>The old adages of living well below one’s means, and neither a borrower or lender be, and never lending to family sound better and better!</p>
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If what we are reading is consistent with what intparent says, inparent is correct. If all sibs are jointly on that account, any one of them could suck all the money out. Mom2, can you clarify how this account is set up, and who has checkwriting priviledges?</p>
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<p>this is what H and I have gathered. the accounts have all the kids’ names on them, but the kids weren’t told this until rather recently (maybe to prevent anyone from making withdrawals??).</p>
<p>So, all along, BIL has known (he set it up with MIL’s permission) and he’s had check-writing privileges. I do not know if any other sibling had those privileges (or if technically they all do, but just didn’t know that they did). Frankly, the rest of the siblings likely didn’t know any account numbers. </p>
<p>Just recently, there’s been another wrinkle that has popped up…which kind of smells. BIL loaned another sibling some money…not a huge amount…maybe 8k. That sibling had MIL living with her for a few months. Naturally, the round-the-clock nursing help and other MIL expenses were paid by these accounts. HOWEVER, BIL was also paying the sister $100 a day for the “inconvenience”…this seems strangely excessive and smacks of over-payment so that that sibling could pay HIM back. Obviously, I don’t have a right to say anything, and H thinks it smells, but bring that up will cause issues. </p>
<p>These are the types of issues that arise when assets are taken out of the probate process. You might get quicker access to the funds but there is no formal accounting. </p>
<p>mom2collegekids, I’m sorry your family is going through this. Both BIL and SIL probably think they are “right”, and are unlikely to see the other’s side. As for you, your H, and the other siblings, the best path is probably to stay out of it and try to maintain relationships with both sides. BIL may or may not have the legal right to do what he says he’ll do (depending on how the account is really titled), but he seems to have the power to do it, and SIL will have to decide whether it is worth going to court over. For the family’s sake, I hope she decides against that. Either way, this is not your fight.</p>
<p>As to paying the SIL that MIL was living with - would not be an issue for me. As a matter of fact, paying someone in real time for care given makes a lot of sense. Otherwise, siblings sometimes feel they “should” get more from the estate because they did more. For instance, BIL may feel he “should” get more because he has been handling her finances, which was probably a non-trivial effort. If the sibling she lived with was paid for services out of her account at the time, that’s a great way to prevent hard feelings later. </p>
<p>It is possible that these accounts were set up as joint accounts, but that no one else was given or completed the signature cards necessary to withdraw from them. </p>
<p>Mom2, I hope this works out with the least amount of agita to your husband’s family. I still say…SIL and BIL need to work out the debt repayment very separate from the dividing up of the funds.</p>
<p>But if it’s going to make a difference in the family dynamics for all, she should pay. She took the loan when times were rougher. The decision to buy a fixer upper is also independent of this loan…and something SIL and her husband should be funding.</p>
<p>If BIL really is on harder financial times now, SIL should understand this. After all, she was there too.</p>
<p>Whether the $100/day is overpaying depends on what the alternative was.</p>
<p>I agree with HImom on the observation that the number of responses shows how polarized/agitated issues become when they involve dividing responsibilites and support and money among family members. </p>
<p>I always have joked that at family reunions that encompass extended family, often within about 30 minutes some relative will come up to you and say “You know, Aunt Bea meant for that corner cupboard you have to be mine” (or for my daughter, etc). :)</p>
<p>Paying someone $100 to take the mother on doesn’t seem expensive to me. Even if they hire a caregiver, there’s still a lot to do. She might have done it out of generosity. Or the BIL paid her to help her out if she is less well off than others, not necessarily to get paid back. I have no idea what they are like but I could make up a story where the brother and the sister who took the mother in turn out to be the most generous among siblings. </p>
<p>This inheritance is "found money"in that it wasn’t expected or anticipated at this time. How big is the student loan from the brother, and how much longer is the payoff? Is she 3 years into a 5 year loan, or one year into a 10 year loan? I still think the decent thing to do would be for her to pay something additional towards the payoff and let brother rerun an amortization schedule. Mom2, do you know the loan terms? Interest rate? As many have said, this might be a factor to consider, ie if he gave her a very low interest rate, better than she could have gotten at a bank. </p>
<p>We paid more than $100 per day for in-home care for my mom before she passed. It included live-in care, preparing meals, no housekeeping or errands. Hope that makes you feel better. </p>
<p>Some of you are missing the bigger point. $100 a day would be FINE if there wasn’t ALSO 2 full time employees providing 24/7 care for MIL. </p>
<p>The accts were already paying out $8k a month for those 2 full time care-givers. To ALSO pay $100 a day (plus expenses) to have MIL just live in that home was ridiculous. </p>
<p>So, $8k per month PLUS $3k per month (plus expenses). </p>
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<p>No, I don’t. And I also don’t know exactly how much the original loan is or how much is left on the loan. They’ve been paying for awhile now.</p>
<p>Interesting thread. I don’t understand why $100 is so much to pay the sibling who had MIL in her house. Were the other sibs willing to take MIL in, and would they have done it for free? If not, then I don’t see what “stinks” about it. </p>
<p>^^
and yes, others would have taken her in for either free or a modest amount. With 2 full-time paid caregivers (1 there at all times), it is silly to think that the one sibling needs $3k a month just to have MIL in a bedroom. (and of course, MIL’s personal expenses were on top of that $3k)</p>
<p>and, I did mention that there already was around-the-clock (paid) care for MIL </p>
<p>Again, is it possible mil wanted to pay her dau for the housing/food/transportation (if that was provided) supplies (e.g. depends, etc) that might have been needed?</p>
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