<p>I am white and my hs senior s (age 17) was invited to a after-the-dance party. I asked for a ph. no. to call to make sure that there would be parental supervision and was told that the mom was “too shy to come to the phone” so I said that he couldn’t go and asked who was having the party. He said a name that I recognized as being Vietnamese and THEN I asked if English was the first language of the mom and was told that it was not. </p>
<p>Now, I am tempted to let him go without talking to a parent BECAUSE the girl is Asian and I realize that that doesn’t make any sense.</p>
<p>My s is a straight-arrow type so my concerns are mainly of the parents not being home, serving alcohol to minors, neighbors calling cops because of loud music variety. He has several Asian friends but they are all guys and I wouldn’t even call their parents because I know they would be home.</p>
<p>Questions are: Should I let him without talking to a parent as I am tempted to do? Am I stereotyping Asian girls as not the kind to have wild parties when their parents aren’t home?</p>
<p>If your standard as a parent is to always check on parental home supervision of all h.s. parties (a good standard, IMO), I think you might redirect your thinking to how to have exactly that conversation with this individual parent. </p>
<p>Be creative. Talking to the Dad is a possibility. Or, can somebody translate for the Mom on the phone? Can you communicate by written note with your questions and ask that either of the parents phone you back with an easy “yes” or “no”? That will give the parents time to read, translate and process the note before they speak to you by phone.</p>
<p>Sometimes it is easier to communicate with a person with English language problems in person. Body language and hand gestures can help put any point across.</p>
<p>^ heartily agree! My Asian next-door-neighbor speaks very little English, but between her teen daughter’s translations standing alongside her, plus our Mommy hand gestures/body language, we always communicate! We have figured out some important things, too. Face-to-face works well.</p>
<p>I also would call back & ask to speak with the father. It is the parents who are liable for actions occurring on their property and dad should be in the loop. </p>
<p>(Personally, I have NEVER called to speak with the parents of any of my kids’ friends to ask details of the parties, D generally would volunteer it & S honestly often didn’t know. I assumed that the parents were home & to my knowledge, they always were. Have spoken with several of the parents since and we all seem to have similar standards. Mileage varies widely with this–niece went to a party at a hotel & the management kicked the kids out of the hotel room but kept their money for renting the room. )</p>
<p>If you always call, don’t let language barriers be a problem for you. Find someone who can translate, visit in person, or send a letter. You can keep up your current standards for requiring information of the places your son goes. Your son knows what your deal is, and his friends do as well (or they should). The young lady in question could serve as a translator if necessary. Her parents might like a chance to meet your too!</p>
<p>Yes. Don’t for one minute make that assumption. I know lots of Asian kids who’d use mom’s lack of English to get away with all kinds of stuff. They’re still teens. If your rule is that you check with parents, by all means check. Some ideas for this have already been suggested</p>
<p>How about walking with your child to the door and introducing yourself to the parents when the party begins? We also had a “check with the parents rule” and occasionally did this when a phone call didn’t work out. (Yes, it embarrasses the kid, but too bad! My grown kids have come back and said they actually appreciated it that we cared enough about their safety.)</p>
<p>I forgot to mention that my s has to be home my midnight unless there is a good reason. Sometimes I only have a general idea where the friend he is visiting lives, but this party, being an after party, starts around midnight and will go to 2-2:30am. Having heard from the moms with older kids that “nothing good happens after midnight”, I wanted to make sure that the parents were home. What was I thinking? No one my age stays out that late. Better questions would have been: Are parents in town? Are parents awake?</p>
<p>When I told s last night that he wasn’t going unless I got a phone number, I had one within 15 minutes. I called today and I think the mom’s lack of English skills had been exaggerated. I had told my s the questions that I planned to ask and I gave her my phone number and told her to make my s behave and to call me if she needed anything. She seemed to be grateful for that.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the replies. I learned a lot from all of them.</p>
<p>I suddenly remember a call we got from the parent of a female high school intern at my office several years back. The young woman’s mother was seeking to verify the details our of annual summer intern trip to the state capitol. The mother said her “investigation” was motivated by the fact that her daughter had misled her or fudged details about alleged excursions on prior occasions “to spend time with boys.”</p>
<p>I hate to be Suzy skeptical, but are you sure it was the mom you were speaking to? Just sayin…not that I would have EVER orchestrated such deception in my youth! :rolleyes:</p>
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