<p>Our daughter recently broke up with a high school boyfriend who she had only dated for a few months. He was not terribly attentive to her so she thought the break up would not be a big deal. Apparently she was wrong and he is very sad/upset. She feels badly about this and has asked me what she should do but I am not sure what advice to give her because we have not raised any boys in our family.
Any help would be appreciated.</p>
<p>I think the best thing for your daughter right now is to leave the boy alone for a few days–no texting, no phone calls. Let him have some space for a few days.</p>
<p>I’d suggest not texting, calling, etc. with him for at least a couple of weeks, and certainly not getting into deep conversations with him about what went wrong. A relationship of a few months is a long relationship for most teens, and would mean a lot to most of them. Any texting, etc. on her part would give him false hopes that she is interested in renewing their romance.</p>
<p>Basically the same thing holds for her as would be the case if you had a son who had broken up with a girlfriend. Break-ups actually may be harder in some ways for males tha females because males aren’t as likely to talk to their male friends about their break-ups. Females typically can turn for support to their friends after break-ups. Males most intimate friends often are their girlfriends.</p>
<p>Thank you for the advice. I should have stated in my initial post that he has contacted her via text ( as have his friends) and she did not know whether or not to reply. She does not want to make this more difficult for him and would at some point in time like to remain friends with this young man.</p>
<p>^^what Northstarmom said.
It won’t help the boy if she prolongs contact with him. It will probably raise hopes in him. Learning how to get through a break-up, even when you’re the one who initiated it, is one of life’s lessons. It’s hard to be the ‘bad guy’, but sometimes you just have to live with it.</p>
<p>(For some levity, he (or she) could watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall, which I happened to see last weekend on my grown S’s recommendation. It definitely earns its R rating, but is also poignant and hilarious.)</p>
<p>I think being the “bad guy” would mean providing false hope. That she doesn’t do that means she’s acting properly, and will help the guy heal faster than if she didn’t.</p>
<p>And definitely don’t respond to any of the texts from the boyfriend’s friends.
She does not have to justify the break-up to them in any way. </p>
<p>It is hard to know that your actions are causing pain to someone you care about.
I’m sure she feels badly that he is so upset but any contact from her would give him false hope and only make your D feel more conflicted. </p>
<p>Encourage her to do fun things with family or girlfriends and try not think about the BF for awhile.</p>
<p>Boys are incredibly vulnerable, and I think of how my boys have handled this time. My most emotional son kept a journal to help himself get past this sad time. It was a very lonely time for him, and he refused to talk about his feelings with me or anyone. But what should your D do? Nothing. Let him grieve. Time is the best healer, and prolonging it by responding to text messages from the BF or his friends won’t/shouldn’t make the outcome change.</p>
<p>It’s like getting a rejection notice vs a deferral. The rejection is hardest at first, but a deferral just keeps the process hanging on. The deferral may seem a bit less painful, but with a rejection, you know where you stand, and act accordingly.</p>
<p>You might advise her to figure out why she thought he was “not terribly attentive” to her and yet somehow her breaking up with him made him “very sad/upset.” That’s a disconnect for her to consider.</p>
<p>Boys are very pleased to “have” a girlfriend but don’t always live up to what the girls expect in terms of a flow of attention. </p>
<p>Something she might learn from this is that, in her next relationship, she might try to communicate her expectations better of how much attention she thinks is appropriate from her boyfriend. Or maybe he DID pay her attention in ways she couldn’t perceive.</p>
<p>Evidently she had no idea how important she was to this boy until the relationship actually ended, which is sad for both of them.</p>
<p>Could be the boy followed one of the canons of male high school/college dating - always break up before Christmas and Valentines Day. If the relationship does not mean that much to you, why spend the money? Another possible canon is that if you feel the girl is considering breaking up with you, beat her to the punch and break up with her.</p>
<p>Boys are idiots - I should know, being one myself.</p>
<p>I would agree that she was surprised he was so upset by the break up. He did not call or text on a regular basis, he would ask her to do something on a particular day and then not contact her until 8pm that evening, not walk her to her car at night…all of these behaviors and more indicated to her that he had little interest in her. She feels quite badly that he is so sad but she will not contact him.<br>
Thanks for your advice. Parenting teens is not for the faint of heart.</p>
<p>I’d suggest that she tell his friends that it is a private matter between him and her.</p>
<p>If he asks her “why,” she can explain why his behavior seemed as if he didn’t really care for her much in as matter-of-fact and pleasant–as opposed to accusatory–a manner as she can muster. He probably didn’t realize where he went wrong, and she probably didn’t communicate her expectations clearly. (I mean, few of us do!) :)</p>
<p>The problem with saying “you didn’t pay enough attention to me” is that the obvious answer is “will you get back with me if I pay more attention now?” and I get the impression that’s not the case.</p>
<p>I would suggest that your daughter tell the young man the truth: “it didn’t work out for us as boyfriend/girlfriend, but when you’re ready, I’d like to be friends again.” Then she can respond to any messages from him as she would respond to any friend.</p>
<p>Yes, this is far easier said than done.</p>
<p>This sounds like the usual disconnect between men and women, that continues to go on as they get older. He wasn’t giving her enough of the attention that she wanted, yet he thought he was doing just fine. Kids are still learning how to treat each other, it is not always intuitive. Just as later on in life, women need to be specific and not just assume that men can read their minds and do exactly what they want. We are wired differently. If she could kindly explain exactly what the problem was to him (without raising his hopes) then she could really do him a favor to teach him how to treat his next girlfriend.</p>
<p>I know men that are wonderfully attentive to their girlfriends/wives…and cheat. And men that are not particularly expressive, but take care of their families and would never stray. I know which kind I would pick.</p>
<p>“He did not call or text on a regular basis, he would ask her to do something on a particular day and then not contact her until 8pm that evening, not walk her to her car at night…all of these behaviors and more indicated to her that he had little interest in her.”</p>
<p>IMO it takes 2 to make a relationship work. Did she ever call or text him? Unlike the old days when many of us were young, many young people think it’s perfectly fine for girls to call boys.</p>
<p>Did she ask him to walk her to her car? If she didn’t, he really may not have known that that would be a polite thing to do, and also would be something to keep her safe if it was after dark. </p>
<p>When he said he’d like to do something with her on a particular day, did she ask him “What time?” or did she just sit by the phone waiting for him to finally call? Did she consider calling him and saying, " Let’s go out and do something in an hour."</p>
<p>If she didn’t speak up about those things, I can imagine that he thought the relationship was perfectly fine.</p>
<p>Encourage her to go out with friends, be happy, and NOT to contact the boyfriend at all, for two reasons. First of all, it will be easier for him to get past this without any contact from her. Second of all, you don’t want your daughter to go through life thinking that she can “make” ex-boyfriends feel better.</p>
<p>There is really no way your daughter can guarantee this boy won’t be sitting in his room three months from now writing sad, sad poetry in the dark. If he’s well-adjusted, he probably won’t be. But whether he is or not . . . is not something your daughter can control, you know what I mean? And if he does take that route, it’s not something she should be punishing herself with guilt about.</p>
<p>“IMO it takes 2 to make a relationship work.”
Yes, I agree, a relationship —at any age --takes two! My daughter did text him many times. She did not wait around for him to call. And she did explain to him that for safety reasons he needed to walk her to her car after dark. When she suggested an activity for a date, she would make the plans. She believed ( and rightfully so) that if he was suggesting an activity that it should be up to him to get the plans arranged started. I am sure this young man and my daughter have both learned a few lessons in communication ( or lack there of) from this relationship. I would hope that is what dating is all about at their age; to learn and grow.</p>
<p>“And she did explain to him that for safety reasons he needed to walk her to her car after dark.”</p>
<p>If he refused to walk her to her car after she explained him why she needed that, she’s well rid of him.</p>
<p>stumblingthru - This sounds JUST like the boyfriend my D had last year. No one should be responsible for teaching a boy how to treat their partner in a relationship - he’s either got it or he hasn’t. If he doesn’t have what she wants or can’t give what she wants, move on. As many women before her have learned, you can’t change them. When D broke up with her BF, he said “OK, I’ll give you some time.” AARRGHH!!
Too bad for the guy but it really doesn’t take that much.</p>