Question for parents!

Parent Cafe
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<p>I am a fairly high-achieving, motivated high school senior who is planning to go to college for film production next year. I’ve done well in school and distinguished myself in my extracurricular activities. I’m not the valedictorian – but there’s nothing wrong with me, either. My question/problem is about my father. </p>

<p>So, here’s the back story: My dad is a professor at a local state university and my parents are technically separated (but my dad spends much of his time at our house, because it is close to his office). My parents have not saved money for my college fund, and my father outright refused to pay tuition (saying that I could go to his state school for free). Instead, he agreed to pay for my SATs and applications (as my Christmas present) and bought himself a new sports car. Needless to say, I wasn’t too thrilled about his purchase, and now his attitude is grating on me as well. We have grown distant in the past 5 years, but recently I have begun to feel like he is trying too hard to control my college process. He demands (not asks) for updates on my applications every night, even though I sent out my last applications in December. I am trying to let him know as little about my decision as possible, because I have a feeling that he will force me into a school that he prefers. One warning sign: he told me that he hates Penn State, where I applied to as a safety (because “it is taking funding from state universities”) and that he would not allow me to matriculate there. I feel like since he is not going to pay for college, the decision of which school I attend should be between me and my mother. </p>

<p>Basically, my question is: What is the best way for me to get him off my back, and let him know that I do not appreciate it when he tries to shape my college plans? He is pretty impatient and quick to anger, but I want to make the next 8 months as painless as possible. Also, I have to do it in a way that makes clear that it is my opinion (otherwise he will suspect that my mother is behind it). </p>

<p>Sorry for the long post, but writing this was quite therapeutic.
Any feedback would be great! (and if you think I’m overreacting, let me know too)</p>

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<p>Two questions:

  1. How do you feel about going to Local State U. (for free)? If you get in there and like it, problem solved.
  2. Can you afford to attend a different college without your father’s help? If so, you can listen to his suggestions and then ignore them if appropriate.
    You aren’t overreacting; your dad isn’t being reasonable to expect to have much influence over your decision if he’s not putting up the money, but long as he isn’t being outright abusive, you may as well try to get along with him by listening respectfully.
    I doubt that getting into arguments with him will do any good.</p>
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<p>I don’t mean to sound snotty, but the local university isn’t that good (and more importantly it doesn’t have my major) I’m a good student and have been offered scholarships to several of the colleges that I’ve been accepted to already. Although my acceptances aren’t all in yet, there are a few schools that have been courting me quite agressively. </p>

<p>Thanks for the advice. I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing. It’s only until the fall, anyway.</p>

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<p>The best way to get him off your back is to give him the information he wants, thank him for his advise, and then sit back and wait to find out where you’ve been accepted.</p>

<p>Don’t thumb your nose the at the free state school just because he’s being controlling and immature: It may still be a great option for you. And don’t waste what little (if any) goodwill is left between you just to make a point that you don’t appreciate his way of interacting with you: It will undermine your most important goal, which is going to the school you think best suits your needs. </p>

<p>Once you hear back from schools, you can think through you best way to approach him-perhaps with some help from your mother. You may not get in to these other schools, you may get financial aid that changes his perspective, he may decide that backing off a bit would be more productive to his long term relationship with you, etc…If you have refused to be drawn into battle, he may be more receptive to an adult conversation when it really counts.</p>

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<p>Where is your mother in all this? Is she in a position to be able to work with you to let you make your own choices without crippling yourself with debt? Talk to her about that and see what the two of you can do together.</p>

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<p>Be polite. Give him the answers he asks for and don’t burn any bridges…especially if your dad is financing part of your college education. </p>

<p>Did you have a talk with your Mom AND Dad about the finances of college, and the costs they are willing to incur? If not…you should. There may be very legitimate reasons that the “free” college option is the highest priority.</p>

<p>And Zooser if right…where IS your mom in all of this??</p>

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<p>Whenever I have a conflict with someone, it always helps to try to see things from their point of view and have some compassion. What appeared to be selfishness on his part (buying a sports car) may have been a rebound purchase to make him feel better after his split from your mom. Adults can be very immature and impulsive sometimes, especially after a traumatic event in their lives. Buying something extravagant (like a sports car or motorcycle) is quite a common reaction after splitting with the spouse. He may also honestly have a hard time understanding what the big deal is when you have free tuition right there at the local college. He may even feel that you are unappreciative by not taking advantage of this benefit that his job has provided - something many kids would eagerly jump at the chance for.</p>

<p>If my suggestions are even slightly accurate, I’m not saying he is right in having these feelings. I’m just saying that it might be helpful to try to understand him better as he is going thru his own trauma (the breakup of his family) and not take his decisions personally. His judgment is likely very clouded right now. I agree that it’s presumptuous for him to assume that the local college is acceptable for you. Maybe if you show some understanding towards him as a PERSON who just lost his wife, it might open the door towards him tuning into you better as a PERSON and help you figure out which option is best for you.</p>

<p>In the meantime, your decision is really not so very different from many other students’. For example, my son got an offer of a free ride from a university that was in another state, in a rural area, very conservative, very sports-oriented, and known for its racism. He is very liberal, very progressive, not into sports at all, of mixed ethnicity, and a political activist. This college was NOT a good fit for him at all! So we had to weigh it all out and decided that FREE was too high a price to pay in this case. We would rather go into debt and get him into a school that’s a good fit than force him into a really bad fit. </p>

<p>The difference here is that ‘we’ refers to us, his parents. In your case, unless your mom is willing to help, you may have to take more of the responsibility yourself for the student loans, etc. But since you already have some scholarships, it sounds like you’re already on the right track. So what it really boils down to is: accepting that your dad is in a place right now in which he’s not very supportive, and accept that that is your situation, and make the best of it by deciding on your own what is best for you. Not everyone has supportive parents, for whatever reason. Many others have navigated the process without their parents, and you can too.</p>

<p>Question: You say he might try to force you into a college that he prefers. If he’s not providing financial assistance (other than the app. fees) then how could he force you? I agree that if he’s not paying for it, he has no say in it. Politely decline his suggestions if you don’t like them, and then do what you want. Do NOT let him bully you! This is a big decision and should be YOUR decision. Acknowledge that, as a college prof, he may have some good points. Be open to his ideas and consider them objectively. Do not disregard his opinions based on your personal resentment towards him. Be completely objective, consider his ideas as if he were some other college prof who’s not your dad, and then make your own decision. But don’t give in to his pressure and coercion. Don’t let him steer you into a college that you don’t want. </p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

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<p>So just as my son refused FREE, so too can you refuse FREE if it’s really not a good fit. If, however, it’s not your top choice but not a bad choice, then you may want to weigh out if it’s really worth paying $$ to go elsewhere. Or maybe you could attend this college for 2 years, get your basics out of the way, and then transfer to the college of your choice that offers your major. The fact that the local school doesn’t offer your major doesn’t really become relevant yet anyway. You might consider other possible configurations besides attending the whole 4 years at the same college. Yes, you’d lose the offered scholarships, but you’d also get 2 years free, so do the math.</p>

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<p>One more thought: Be careful how you talk about the local state university. If you imply that it’s a second rate educational institution, you are likely to offend him, since he is on the faculty. Avoid putting him on the defensive about this: You’ll be a lot more effective if you take the position that the local school is a good institution, but not the right one for you. It is also not wrong to express a desire to be elsewhere, while he and your mother are sorting out their lives, assuming the financial burdon isn’t overwhelming. (And you can offer to share the cost, if that is his concern.)</p>

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<p>I’m going to disagree with everyone else. It sounds to me as if (a) your dad is a bully or (b) he hasn’t accepted the fact that the marriage is “over.” I mean seriously…if he had accepted it, would he be spending a lot of time at your house? It “sounds” to me as if your mom is the one who wants out and your dad is taking out his anger on you. </p>

<p>So, I would NOT give him blow by blows. Instead, tell him that you are nervous about the whole process, and would prefer to talk to him after you know all the options you actually have. Don’t phrase it in terms of “you are driving me up the wall,” but in terms of this whole process is driving me up the wall and I just don’t like having to talk about it --to anyone–right now. When I hear back from all the schools I’ve applied to, I’ll be more than willing to listen to your advice before I make my final decision. </p>

<p>I can’t guarantee that this will work…but…obviously, what you are doing now isn’t working for you.</p>

<p>I’d also being very reluctant to go to the college where he teaches, especially if it’s small. If he hasn’t accepted the fact that the marriage is “over,” he’s going to stay in your life there too…anything to keep that connection with your mom. That means he will express his opinion about what you should major in, which courses you will take, etc. You really don’t need this…</p>

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<p>Hm, jonri, that’s very interesting advice! I think it’s worth a try. It reminds me of what I often tell/advise/suggest/talkintheairto my own 3 kids…actually, they tell me it’s my best parenting advice, ever (curtsy)…</p>

<p>When you feel as though you are in a power struggle with someone, and it feels like a tug-of-war, begin by dropping your side of the rope. Then they have nothing to pull on. They’ll be surprised. Use their surprise to identify the problem you have BOTH been struggling with. Say that you share this problem (the problem being, the uncertainty and stress of this college ap season…).</p>

<p>Try to pull the other person onto your side and put the problem onto the other side of the rope (which is now lying on the ground). Look at the problem together. Talk about it as a problem. Ask, what can WE do to help reduce/address/solve this problem, together.</p>

<p>You see, at the moment your problem is not where you will attend, but the way in which you are communicating over that future decision.</p>

<p>Together you might find things to reduce the pressure on both of you. For example, he might not comprehend or support your major. (Credibility: I have 3 kids in the performing arts, one in film, so I know how dicey it is to get parental support for those goals). Perhaps he needs you to connect some dots about how you’ll proceed academically in that major, what kind of backup skill/day job you’ll train for simultaneously (and yes you will need that, too),
and why the state school with all its qualities won’t get you to even get launched to try out your film major. He will also have a case to spin, namely, that you could study the academics at the state school and take on the technical film skills elsewhere, so begin your film career debt-free. I don’t agree with him but he does have a case to make there, so at least hear it out. I can punch holes through it, as can you, but at least let him talk to you as much as you want to talk to him.</p>

<p>You might also agree that the talk is what’s so distressing, and conclude (as jonri suggests) to simply take a healthy pause (in early February!!) from decisions months away. Share with him that it’s a tough time in your life, as his, with so much in the air. Perhaps you can help each other through it by not getting on each others’ case so much.</p>

<p>Learn this phrase, “For now, perhaps we just have to agree to disagree.” It’s mature and respects both sets of ideas, strongly held.</p>

<p>Good luck. I think you are wise to recognize that the very midWinter timing of this question could be a part of the problem. Anxiety over decisions months ahead is no fun, for either of you.</p>

<p>Also, suggest some alternative boy-bonding things to do together, away from the house. Is there any hiking, skiing, fishing, or moviegoing you can do together? SOmetimes just take a break from the Big Problem Between You helps.</p>

<p>Best wishes. You’ll get through this.</p>

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<p>Dear OP,
You know, I was just assuming you are male, and I had no reason to assume that when I suggested “boy-bonding” activities with Dad. Rephrasing it gender-neutral: can you try just doing things with Dad that you used to enjoy together, simply to take a break and ease the tensions?
Or if he’s balking at helping you financially because you’re female, well, that’s a whole 'nother discussion.
Anyway, forgive me if I mistook your gender in my reply above!</p>

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<p>Listen to his suggestions. Make noncommittal replies. (“Hmmm. That’s an idea.” “I hadn’t thought of that.” “Interesting perspective, Dad.”) I wouldn’t share too much about what I’m thinking.</p>

<p>Since he doesn’t live with you, is divorced from your mother, and isn’t going to be contributing to your education, I don’t see that he gets much of a vote. Listen to him the way you’d listen to your sophomore history teacher. He knows you somewhat, but not too well. Ultimately, it’s all up to you.</p>

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<p>Such good advice here. You sound like an unusually mature high school student. Since you are an adult, your father might as well recognize you as one, and begin treating you as such.</p>

<p>He should ask himself what kind of relationship with you he wants to earn. From what you’ve written, he may not do this - he doesn’t seem to realize that you are, in fact, your own person. So perhaps you could ask yourself - what kind of relationship do I want to have with this man in the future? Certainly, he’s entitled to respect as your father and as a human being. But you have the right to make this decision without his interference, particularly as he won’t be paying for it.</p>

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<p>Thanks for the advice. I’ll give some more info and answer questions, so that you can get a better idea of the situation.
My mom has been pretty great during this process, prodding me enough so that I don’t miss deadlines, but also allowing me to pick the schools with impunity. Basically, we made the deal that if I worked on my applications in a timely manner, she would take care of all of the financial aid details (which makes this a strenuous time for her). She had an household accident a few months ago, and does not have a job right now. We’re basically living off of the money from selling our old house. Even though we may not have much, she has extremely good credit (which makes it possible for us to maintain our lifestyle), so I don’t want to do anything that would put her finances in jeopardy. Another consideration is the fact that I have a sister who is 5 years younger than myself, and is also likely to be college-bound.
So far, the responses from the colleges have all been acceptances, and a few have courted me about large/fulltuition scholarships. I have one school that is likely to give me a free ride (and that I like a lot) – in that case, this whole situation would be a non-issue.
I talked to my mom about how I felt about the situation, and we’ve decided that I can have control over the final decision, and that she will back me up on it. For now though, I’ve taken your advice, and am putting up with the questions.
Thanks to everyone who responded!</p>

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<p>Ham, I would just like to say that you seem like a very mature and resonable young person and I would like to wish you the best of luck!</p>