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<p>Quote of the day!!! (or yesterday)</p>
<p>caymandriver- agreed, as long as they are smart and safe about it-birth control and condoms for sure! and that they are emotionally prepared to handle the consequences.</p>
<p>I agree with the “don’t tell Mom” side and also with the “be prepared” side.<br>
I did lots of things in college that I didn’t discuss with my Mom.
I knew if she knew all the details she would be upset and then I would feel guilty.</p>
<p>I’m positive my college age S’s do/have done LOTS of stuff that I’m better off not knowing.</p>
<p>If you know she wouldn’t approve of your actions, why upset her by letting her in on all the details of your romantic life? Neither one of you will feel better after that conversation.</p>
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<p>Avoiding it one time and avoiding when repeatedly sleeping together are two entirely different things.</p>
<p>As a very conservative parent myself, I can say that if you told me that, I wouldn’t think less of you in the sense that you are a bad person, but I would in the sense that I would think you are behaving foolishly. Yeah, I’m afraid there would be some long talks, which in my book is not the same thing as a lecture, but in yours it probably is.</p>
<p>A lot of conservative kids play a little mind game that I hope you will not play. They say they are not having sex, but they are doing every single thing up to that point. I don’t think I need to elaborate. Don’t kid yourself into thinking you are “remaining pure” if you are doing this. Typically these kids do not make any provision for birth control, because then it would be like they planned to do something wrong, and they are NOT planning to do something wrong.</p>
<p>If a woman were a recovering alcoholic and she told you she goes and spends the evening in a bar every few weeks, but she doesn’t drink and isn’t going to drink, what would you think? You’d think, “She’s an idiot. One of these days she’s going to drink. If she doesn’t want to drink, she needs to stay out of bars.” Similarly, if you don’t want to have sex with your b/f, you need to stay out of bed…or couches, or anywhere else that you are spending the entire night sleeping next to one another. If you aren’t willing to give that up, then you must arrange for some kind of birth control just in case, because I promise you that it will happen eventually. Your psychological inhibitions won’t matter a bit. As other posters have said, a guy’s drives are not like a girl’s. At some point he will pressure you to keep going a little bit farther. He is not a bad person, and he will not plan to do it, but he won’t be able to help himself. And eventually you will have a weak moment and give in. It’s not fair for you to repeatedly set that temptation in front of him, and then say, “no, no, no”.</p>
<p>Now you don’t need a lecture from your mother, because you are getting it from us! :)</p>
<p>I agree that you should keep you and your BF business to yourselves. Once you open that door with your mother, you are inviting her to always be apart of your personal and intimate life and gives her the ability to try to micromanage various aspects of your life. You need to start setting your boundaries with her as a young adult. You will be respecting her views on sex before marriage,(only her views) and she will eventually come to respect your privacy. Quite frankly it really isn’t any of her business.</p>
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<p>Yikes. With widespread beliefs like this, it’s no wonder that rape is so prevalent in our society. Clearly, males are incapable of having self-control when it comes to their sexuality. It’s not their fault. They can’t help themselves.</p>
<p>Before I go on my own little tangent, for what it’s worth to the OP, I would also go with the somewhat dishonest strategy in your case. As has been previously stated, nothing about being honest is really going to help the situation except maybe with your own conscience. </p>
<p>Now, I have to ask about this myself because it seems like the consensus is that sleeping in the same bed as your significant other is simply asking for trouble. Maybe I’m naive, but I have to say I disagree. I’m sure this will be dismissed as an outlier, but my boyfriend and I were together for three years before sex came into the picture, and we slept in the same bed many times before that without things getting heated. (And when it did come into the picture, it was a very conscious, planned decision, not the result of any pressuring or cajoling on his part.)</p>
<p>I guess I just need someone to explain to me why it is that the common opinion seems to be that sleeping in the same bed will inevitably lead to sex. I talked to my boyfriend about this and he was just as confused as I was about the matter.</p>
<p>My motto is: don’t ask the question if you don’t really want to know the answer. If you don’t say anything at all to your mom, she may not ask you about it. I would suggest that as the first approach–don’t lie, just don’t say anything.</p>
<p>Two years and you haven’t had sex? I’m sorry, but I was raised in Mississippi among very conservative Christians and still find that absolutely inconceivable (assuming you are both over 18).</p>
<p>I think Hunt nailed it. Ooops! Poor choice of words; however, the thought IMO is correct.
And to be brutely honest, it is none of your parent’s business, but I would make damn sure I used protection. ALL THE TIME! </p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>Thanks for the help everyone!</p>
<p>I feel a lot better about keeping things from my mom now, I do believe that it is the right decision but it is nice to receive confirmation. As far as just not telling her, this would be tricky because we do speak at least once a week and she’s friends with my bf’s mom and just usually happens to know when he’s coming to visit. Inevitably, she always asks where he is staying.</p>
<p>I appreciate the concern from all about the dangers of sharing a bed and the importance of birth control. I feel that diverging details of my situation is uneccessary, but it was interesting to read everyone’s opinion. </p>
<p>I’m quite close with my family, and my parents could probably have been labeled as “helicopter parents”. Transitioning to this new, separate life is exciting and a little scary at the same time, so thank you for taking the time to grace me with a response :)</p>
<p>And a note: another reason why I questioned this so much is because SHE brings it up. All the time. Making sure I’m still a virgin.</p>
<p>I wonder how she would react if I responded that it was none of her business?</p>
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You should start saying, “I’m not sure–we’ll work something out.” or “Oh, somewhere around here.” If she presses, just keep saying the same thing.
As for her questions about whether you are still a virgin or not, you might want to ask her to stop asking you that–“Mom, I’d hate to disappoint you, and I’d hate to lie to you, so I really wish you’d stop asking me that question. I hope you’ll trust me to make careful decisions.” This will be easier to say if you are still a virgin now, but in either case, she needs to stop asking this question.</p>
<p>^ Now that is good advice.</p>
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<p>And this play on words wins my nomination for “post of the day!!”</p>
<p>re: the OP…don’t tell. There are many things we as parents don’t need to know about our kids. I’d love to think my kids haven’t had sex, don’t drink, and have never taken a trip that I don’t know about. I’d wager money they have tried at least two out of three of these things…but I don’t ask and they haven’t told. I did the same when I was in college and it saved a lot of angst.</p>
<p>I doubt that the mom is actually saying “Are you still a virgin.” It sounds like she is checking to make sure that the couple is sleeping apart, because that reassures her that “nothing is happening.”</p>
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<p><em>giggles</em> I didn’t even realize! Actually, I just finished watching the Princess Bride, and felt this complusive need to use “inconcievable” in a sentence. How aprapos that I picked this thread ;)</p>
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<p>I agree with you. I don’t understand why people think sleeping in the same bed leads to sex. You can have sex in many other places. What’s the different if a couple is sitting on a couch or laying in a bed?</p>
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Seriously? Quick, burqas for everyone!</p>
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<p>I don’t know if you read my entire post, but I am a male. We’re acting foolishly by avoiding sex while sleeping the same bed? I never said anything about wanting to “remain pure”. I said my girlfriend and I aren’t interested in having children. Abstinence is the only thing that is 100% effective.</p>
<p>You can promise me that we will eventually have sex? And you know this how?</p>
<p>I’ve seen too many of my friends get into car accidents when they though they were being “safe.” I’m not interested in getting in a car accident, which is why I never leave my house. Ever. After all, not driving anywhere is the only thing that is 100% effective.</p>