<p>The ONLY time I’ve ever been invited to a funeral was when the family was having a private ceremony. It was really for family only, and was so stated in the obituary. They contacted me personally to invite me.</p>
<p>But in the vast majority of cases, a funeral is not something you get invited to. </p>
<p>If you were particularly close to this person and family, try to take a bereavement day and attend. If this is an acquaintance, it would be nice to just send a card that includes a personal note, with perhaps some fond memories you have of the person who died. Those cards are SO appreciated by the family.</p>
<p>I know that there have been times that Cobrat has caused some unhappiness here, but can’t we just take him for his word and attempt to answer his query? Obviously someone meaningful to him passed away and he’s trying to figure out the logistics. Nothing wrong or snarky with that!</p>
<p>That wasn’t my experience within my family nor my circle of friends. All funerals I’ve been to have been scheduled by the family of the deceased a couple of weeks to a few months after the death. Last one I attended was scheduled six weeks after by a friend whose family is from a mid-Atlantic state. </p>
<p>This seems to be a first time in my case. Thank you for the information. </p>
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<p>This very intention was the reason why I created this thread. </p>
<p>My way of thinking is if there’s any chance I’m going to be late because of traffic/transportation delays or my coming will pose any difficulties, it’d be better if I declined the invitation, send my condolences with flowers, and offer to help my friend and his family in any way I could in the next several months instead.</p>
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<p>He is a close friend with whom I’ve known for 20+ years and where we’ve came through for each other in difficult times. I wasn’t as close to his relative, but they have had a long close relationship from childhood. </p>
<p>I’m conflicted, however, because there’s no scheduled Amtrak train on that day which’ll arrive on time(Arriving after funeral starts is unacceptable) and the earliest scheduled bus leaves me an exceedingly razor-thin margin to punctually arrive at the funeral home with enough time to spare via taxi or other transportation. </p>
<p>Oldmom…I just had a close family member die. I was just saying…cards are as meaningful to me as those who were able to attend the funeral. I understood that a weekday morning funeral would not be a possibility for many who wanted to express their condolences. We have received a ton of lovely and caring cards…I can read those again and again if I choose to.</p>
<p>Cobrat, if you can get there I’m sure your friend will appreciate it. If not, support in the coming months will be important too.</p>
<p>Oldmom- Perhaps you are reading into what isnt there, as there are no snarky comments- just your comment about them. That said, its hard not to make what might be considered a tasteless comment when its indicated that most funerals he attended were scheduled weeks or months out. If someone is terminal, one might discuss possible pending plans, but scheduling funerals weeks or months out? Say whaa??</p>
<p>When my mom was dying, sadly it was right at the time another family event was scheduled in another city a few hours away. One relative wanted me to call the funeral home and “make a reservation” so we could possibly schedule the funeral (were she to pass away) such that he could attend both events. I contacted the funeral home to ask about the upcoming “availability” of times/dates. I am pretty sure they thought I was nuts.</p>
<p>Cobrat,
The family will not care if you are late. The fact that you attend, late or not, is what is important. You make your own transportation and if necessary, hotel reservations. For that matter, you should consider going up tomorrow and staying overnight in a hotel in Springfield , take a cab to the funeral (if you don’t drive) and then take one back to the train/bus station.</p>
<p>Re scheduling funerals: I think this is common among various ethnic groups. When my brother’s mother-in-law in St. Croix (U.S. Virgin Islands) died, the funeral was scheduled about 6 weeks later. And my friend’s husband’s father died in Ghana (at the age of 113!) and the funeral was several months after his death.</p>
<p>On the other hand, Jewish funerals are almost always a soon as possible after death, except if the Sabbath intervenes. I have Christian friends who find it very strange that Jewish people don’t embalm their dead and sit shiva afterward (close family sits home and their relatives and friends bring food and visit with them until a week after the death) rather than having a wake before the funeral, but so it goes.</p>
<p>Oh, and Cobrat, my guess is that the funeral home will not at all mind explaining the traditions of the family whose relative’s funeral you want to attend, e.g., if it would be a problem to come late, what time the ceremony will actually start (often there’s some time built in for the family to greet those in attendance), etc.</p>
<p>I agree with jym that in most cases, they will be touched that you went to the trouble of attending the funeral, but they will also be touched if you send flowers and/or write a note to the immediate family on a sympathy card expressing your condolences and remembering their late family member.</p>
<p>Oldmom, Out of curiosity, what exactly do they do with the decedent for the weeks and months after their death?? Do you mean there is some sort of memorial several weeks or months after their death? And its doubtful that all the funerals that Cobrat has attended have been those of cultures such as residents of Ghana or St. Croix.</p>
<p>As for judaism, there are other variables that can delay a funeral besides the sabbath (e.g.holidays). And its unfortunate if some of your Christian friends find it “strange” that Jews believe in returning the body to the earth as it is.</p>
<p>It’s a word choice. Sometimes people refer to memorial services (tribute speeches, etc.) as “funerals” even if held long after the time of actual grave burial. </p>
<p>Some people bury cremains (the ashes following a cremation), not a body in casket, in a cemetery. Or they release the ashes. Funerals for cremains can wait, and be scheduled.</p>
<p>Anyway, those are some examples where it’d be correct to say someone “scheduled a funeral.”</p>
<p>Exactly, p3t. It would make sense, as I also mentioned, if it is a memorial service, or a tribute to the decedent some months after their passing. But that is different from a funeral.</p>
<p>I have attended funerals where the decedent’s ashes were present in an urn. But again it was a funeral, shortly after their death. I am scheduled to attend the funeral of a colleague next week, and he passed away last week. This is the first such “funeral” I have attended. Apparently his widow will not be placing an obituary in the paper until that time as well.</p>
<p>These would be memorial services, then, not funerals.</p>
<p>I worked as a hospice chaplain for many years and have dealt with (both officiated and helped plan funerals/memorial services) hundreds of families in a six-county urban/suburban area with a wide diversity of religious associations. I can only think of one case, did the family ‘schedule’ the funeral before the death occurred; this patient was in a nursing home, and when the nursing home staff (who obviously deal with funeral/memorial situations all the time) got a hold of this information (this was a Saturday, the patient was still alive, and the family was already making plans for a Tuesday visitation and Wednesday funeral), they were truly taken aback. Other than this one situation, no one has ever scheduled a funeral two weeks to several months out. Memorial services? Yes. </p>
<p>So why is it important to delineate between the two? So visitors have a generic understanding between the two and can plan accordingly and sort of know what to expect. Memorial services tend to be much more informal, with less tradition; it has been my experience that people often dress less formal for memorial services. I even officiated at a memorial service held at a hunting lodge (with a deer carcass and all hanging on a huge tree limb right outside the window). Memorial services can be held anywhere, at any time. Not that I haven’t seen people show up at a funeral in jeans, and a memorial service in dress clothes, but these are generalizations. Memorial services often are more likely to have built in time for people to get up and speak if they wish; whereas funeral services, especially if held in a formal church service, usually frown on having eulogies (not that it doesn’t happen, but my experience is that, that’s what a visitation is for) during the formal service. Probably the one thing that distinguishes a funeral from a memorial service, though, more than anything, is whether there is a body/casket or not. </p>
<p>I’m sure people will post anecdotes that prove what I’ve written is not what they experienced, but I’m basing what I share on lots of professional experience (which is why I questioned earlier in the thread whether an invitation was a regional thing or not, because it’s not what my professional experience has been). For that matter, since funerals tend to happen rather quickly, family members are much more likely to understand when someone can’t make it, whereas memorial services are typically planned for the convenience of the majority of people who will need to attend. And because people tend to plan memorial services out a little further, more people tend to come because they’ve been able to work around any scheduling conflicts.</p>
<p>Just got a call back from my friend and it’s all worked out. </p>
<p>He said several other relatives and friends from out of town will be later than I may be if the bus is late and I miss the 9:30 local bus to the funeral home so it’s no big deal. </p>
<p>Booked my bus tickets for 5:30 and still hoping to shoot for 10 minutes before the official start. </p>
<p>Will also provide that support as that will be needed. </p>
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<p>The body/casket was present in most funerals/memorial services hosted by members of my extended family and friends in my social circle. </p>
<p>Embalming was used to facilitate the scheduling of the funeral services where the casket/body was present per the deceased’s immediate family’s needs to process and for some consideration of relatives and friends from all over. Others involved cremated remains. </p>
<p>Not trying to dispute your account, just relating my funeral attending experiences as a extended family member/guest up till this point.</p>
<p>Out if curiousity, how many funerals have you attended? As one who reads the obits with great regularity (old joke is that one reads the obits to make sure they aren’t in there), I’ve never noticed, nor have I heard others indicate that there were funerals scheduled weeks or months later. I have only once been to one funeral that was a few weeks after the death, but it was because the young man died under unusual circumstances which required an autopsy and investigation before they released the body, and the body had to be shipped from out of state. They had an open casket. It was unsettling. </p>
<p>So it seems unusual that every funeral you have attended was handled this way.</p>
<p>At least 6 within my extended family alone including my grandmother. Add friends from childhood on and will probably be somewhere around 2 dozen. </p>
<p>Causes of death ranged from natural causes to being caught in a crossfire between two rival drug gangs(one elementary school classmate during the late '80s).</p>
<p>I haven’t attended them myself but I have had friends who have had “funerals” for the final internment of cremains for their loved ones at a convenient later time. Not months, but weeks after death. It can make it a lot easier on the family to be able to schedule things.</p>