<p>cobrat, I too am quite surprised that you have attended so many funerals that took place significantly after the death, as I’ve never heard of this. All the funerals I’ve attended or known about took place as soon as one day, for Jewish funerals, or as long as a week, for others, after death. (I guess you do really learn something new every day.) May I ask if it is a specific religious or ethnic group that mandates such long-delayed funerals? If not, what is the rationale? How does this practice square with the deceased’s religion? It’s my understanding that in most religions internment is expected to take place far more quickly than what you have described. </p>
<p>As noted above, it is not unusual for a Jewish funeral to be delayed several days to allow family who live far away to make arrangements to attend–but never longer than that. I guess we Jews are just used to the idea that we will have to quickly act to get work covered, set up child care, and make travel plans when someone close to us passes–it’s the norm.</p>
<p>Reading several websites, it seems the average time between death and a funeral is 7-10 days. Here’s one example (which was reiterated in several funeral home sites)
How big must a mortuary’s refrigerator/freezer be if its customary in some cultures to keep them stored for weeks or months before a funeral is held?? Its too early in the morning for the visual that is coming into my head… :(</p>
<p>Virtually all funerals I have attended, of many faiths, have been held within a few days of the person’s death,with the exception I mentioned earlier, and an upcoming funeral.</p>
<p>Cobrat- You are a wonderful friend! You have asked for advice about transportation and this thread has taken a turn to discuss timing of funerals and other topics. I agree with your taking public transportation and I hope your travels work well. Your friend will greatly appreciate your efforts.</p>
<p>What is the funeral etiquette for sending flowers at a Catholic funeral? Anything I should look out for as someone who is also going to attend the funeral, funerary mass, and burial?</p>
<p>While I have attended Catholic funerals, they all took place while I was around 9 - 11 years of age and the adults weren’t inclined to discuss funeral details of that type while they were also in the midst of grieving. Especially with “kids”. </p>
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<p>No specific religious or ethnic group. Rationale didn’t seem to be religious. Mainly circumstantial* and/or to provide some consideration for extended family and friends coming from far away**.</p>
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<li>Immediate family of deceased needing time to come to terms, autopsy, etc.</li>
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This is starting to sound like the Jahi McMath thread. Just curious- what was the cost to keep these decedents in the freezer for that length of time?</p>
<p>As for flowers, it may be too late to order today and have them arrive before the funeral tomorrow. Not impossible, but unlikely. Order a fruit basket and have it sent to the house.</p>
<p>I think your presence is enough. I wouldn’t worry about sending flowers or food. A nice letter to the family in the next few weeks would be kind. </p>
<p>To send flowers, you could contact the funeral home. When my father passed away, we used one florist recommended by the funeral home. We had a color scheme and what kind of flowers we wanted. The florist worked with a lot of our friends/relatives to select appropriate flower arrangement. They also delivered all flowers to the funeral on time. The problem of ordering online is that the flowers may arrive after the service is over. </p>
<p>cobrat - you may want to send flowers or food to your friend’s home after the funeral. Some of our friends did that, and we were able to enjoy the flowers much longer. We ended up donating most of flowers to nursing homes after the funeral. But yes, people did check out who sent what at the funeral home. Most large arrangements came from work.</p>
<p>Thank you. Already posted a short condolence note in the online obituary guestbook reminiscing on an occasion shared with the deceased and my friend.</p>
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<p>I was specifically instructed not to do that as the deceased’s home is in the midst of being sorted out and my friend doesn’t live in the area. He also doesn’t plan on staying in the area the day after the funeral due to work obligations and because another storm system may be arriving and he said that area’s roads/transportation links tend to be shut down when that happens.</p>
<p>Our family was happy to have some things sent to our homes. A fruit basket is a nice gesture. If you want of order online for delivery to their home, check Harry and David. They have some very nice selections.</p>
<p>Most long-distance flower delivery services contract electronically with a local florist so there’s no need to plan way ahead.</p>
<p>Again, the funeral home should be a great source of information. Cobrat, if you are reluctant to call, you can google the home and see if they have an email address. Or is the funeral scheduled for a church?</p>
<p>cobrat, in case you can’t arrange for flower delivery but you do go to the funeral, often the family’s wishes for charititable donations will be mentioned during the service. You can make a donation of any size to the charity in the name of the deceased and they will notify the family. If you have the name of the funeral home and can’t attend, they should have this information as well.</p>
<p>^^^ Yes, a lot of times people will say, ‘in lieu of flowers, please donate to _____’. If they are Catholic, another thing they might really appreciate is donating toward ‘intentions’ for future masses. </p>
<p>When my mom died, we did receive lots of flowers, etc., but what I really appreciated (particularly because I lived so far away and was not able to enjoy all the flowers, etc. after her funeral) was that my place of employment sent a peace lily to my home after I returned. To this day I still have that plant, and it is HUGE. Whenever I look at it I am reminded of my mom. </p>
<p>If this is a Catholic funeral, then a full Catholic mass will be said tomorrow at the church. At that time, you could pick up an envelope at the church (usually out in the narthex area) that are left there for people who wish to donate toward having the deceased’s name in the mass intentions. If they have specified a specific charity or organization to make a donation to (and specifically if they have said 'in lieu of flowers…), I would do that and skip the flowers/plant. Yes, lots of times it becomes another ‘task’ to take care of, after the funeral, deciding what to do with all those flowers if there is no spouse living somewhere where they could take them (although sometimes the funeral home will take care of it).</p>
<p>We made the mistake of not putting “in lieu of flowers” in my mother’s obituary and got many more flowers sent to the funeral home than we anticipated. Dealing with all these flower arrangements was one more thing to worry about after the funeral. I would consider making a donation to a charity instead of flowers. Safe travels.</p>
<p>There will be a scheduled funeral mass at a church after the service at the funeral home followed by burial at a local cemetery. </p>
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<p>Unfortunately, there were nothing specified there regarding family wishes. Wondering if they will specify that at the funeral service. </p>
<p>However, my friend did communicate with me to specifically not send anything to the deceased’s home because it’s in the midst of being sorted out and he doesn’t live in the area and needs to go back to his home the day after the funeral. </p>
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<p>The funeral home suggested to send him and his family a flowering plant they’ll cherish for a few years after as flowers will die or be “frozen soon afterwards”. [sarcasm]Very cheerful demeanor. [/sarcasm] </p>
<p>However, that conflicts with my friend’s instruction and knowing he lives in a tiny urban apartment far away from Springfield and doesn’t like keeping plants.</p>
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<p>I will consider that in light of the call to the funeral home.</p>
<p>Cobrat, sometimes when an elderly family member dies, the family doesn’t have any wishes beyond contacting friends and family and notifying them to see if they would like to and can pay their respects at the funeral. I am sure they will be glad to see you there to share their farewell to the relative who passed away. Just come and take your cue from others in attendance. If nothing is mentioned at the mass or written program (if any) or graveside service, you can wait a week or two and ask your friend if they have a charity they would recommend for a donation in their relative’s memory. If not, and if you still want to memorialize the deceased, you can donate to a favorite charity of yours in the name of the family member. Just nothing too controversial for fear of offending the survivors of the loss. And if you choose not to do this, there will be no offense taken.</p>
<p>I think it’s very nice of you to seek out information from the parents here about handing this situation since it’s outside of your previous experiences. I believe you are from an immigrant family and I understand that you need to reach out since your family may not have much experience with American rituals of death.</p>
<p>My daughter went to elementary school in Chinatown (Manhattan, NYC) and once the kids hit 6th and 7th grades, I got many calls and emails from her elementary school classmates asking me about bat mitzvahs since their kids received invitations and the parents had no experience with this kind of event. I was happy to respond to all queries. Many of these same kids attended my daughter’s bat mitzvah toward the end of 7th grade and we were so happy to have them there.</p>
<p>Now that you have learned what you have learned, you will be a resource within your family.</p>
<p>Again, my condolences to you and your friend, and I hope your travels proceed efficiently tomorrow morning. If you want to go to the cemetery, I am sure there will be no offense taken whatsoever if you ask fellow attendees–just the people who are sitting around you–if they have space in their cars. If they have no room and/or they are not going to the cemetery, they will just tell you so. And if the bus schedule back to NYC doesn’t allow for your attendance there, no offense will be taken by the bereaved family–none at all. Just be sure to sign the book outside the sanctuary so the family can remember that you were there, and perhaps send you a card acknowledging your presence there.</p>