1.) How do you know when you’ve found the right person? What did it feel like? Were you just blown away at first meeting them or did you just figure it was time to have some kids and just found someone you could live with?
----I didn’t know whether I had found the right person or not. My mother died rather suddenly when I was in college, my father was estranged from the family, and I felt like I didn’t have a safety net when I graduated from college. It was a confusing time in my life filled with a lot of uncertainty & a desire for immediate security.
At one of my first jobs, I met my future H. He was here by himself, from another country, working hard to send money back home to his mom and younger siblings. We were soon inseparable. Moved in together (too) quickly.
I think if my mom hadn’t died, if my life felt more secure, if I didn’t feel all that financial pressure of being a 22 yo on my own with no net, I would have focused on better career prospects for myself and had a “big picture view”. Instead, it was really, really appealing to have an apartment (& expenses) to share with a kind, fun, hard-working handsome young man. I could count on him, when I felt like I had nobody. Once we were living together, it was very hard to consider other options that did not involve him. He was just not a bad guy, meaning, nothing bad happened that blew up the relationship early on. In hindsight, I think I should have gotten a female roommate to share expenses with, and dated him a lot longer before committing.
2.) Were you scared that once you got married that you would feel trapped and then not know how to get back out of it?
— No. I didn’t feel trapped until we had kids. Marriage is a serious business arrangement, and I feel very trapped in the business right now. I’m in my mid-50s with 2 children.
3.) Is taking responsibility for someone else (wife, kids) scary? Did you ever doubt your ability to be able to do that?
—One could argue that H & I made a good team re: doing the best we could to provide for our family and raise our kids, even if we have been unable to meet each other’s emotional needs and companionship needs.
Financial stress (unemployment, then underemployment, plus expenses) is the only thing that made me seriously doubt our ability to provide the important stuff: medical & mental health stuff, schooling, roof over head. I do wonder sometimes if we would be much happier together if we had more disposable income and a lot less financial stress. We are both married to work. The financial stress, him feeling that no matter how hard he works is “not enough” wears on a person, me feeling like I’m working full time AND responsible for “everything else” wears on a person. Add problems with kids & sometimes it means all you’re talking about is stressful stuff and you are not a source of joy for one another any longer. There was no way my 22 yo self would have been able to understand what this can feel like +30 years in. Mid-life can bring a lot of uncomfortable feelings of regret, mortality, wanting a do-over —even in good relationships mid-life can mess with your head.
4.) How do you find someone who still likes you even though they live with you and know about everything you do that’s irritating and mildly disgusting?
–You become family. You may not like each all the time, but that person is family.
5.) How do you keep from getting bored with the same person for all that time?
–Usually people have other friends, work, interests. Surely you have very good friends that occasionally bore you?
People are not disposable. You just work through it. Life is not boring.
