<p>Today my BIL found out that his 26-yr-old D, who lives with her mother in another state, ODed on heroin and is in a hospital treatment program and incommunicado. This 26-yr-old has clearly been troubled for some time. She’s been into heavy/death metal, a drunken lifestyle, heavy partying, etc for years. She has been unemployed for possible up to two years, started stealing from her mother, two DUIs, being taken home by the police. The facts we have right now are scantly, since the mother was half in the bag when she (finally) called and told him late this morning. (He has recently been foreclosed upon and evicted and we just took him in.) We are all facebook friends with the D, and have been pretty much grossed out by the vulgar and supremely negative stuff she posts, mostly faux gangsta-speak, horribly negative and vulgar lyrics dealing with death and sexual abuse, pictures of drunk-looking friends making rude gestures, etc. Her mother doesn’t want to take her in when she gets out of the program, understandably. My first reaction was that she could come here, and we can see if she can get help with housing, therapy, etc to try to put a new life together away from her old friends and habits. (She used to come and spend time with us in the summer when she was in elementary school.) I’m afraid that a return to her former dead-end environment will just end in relapse. I’m afraid that she will commit suicide in a more overt way.</p>
<p>Am I nuts? (Don’t answer that…) We are putting together a list of questions to ask about her status, when we can talk to the mother, such as whether this is court-ordered or voluntary, when will she be discharged, are there terms of release if she was arrested (we don’t know, but figure that if she actually ODed that the police would have to be involved), etc. </p>
<p>Suffice it to say, this is not the kind of thing that has ever happened in my family–or H’s, for that matter–and we are at sea. (This girl grew up in a VERY different milieu.) Actually, H doesn’t even know about it yet because he’s at work. BIL and I are sitting here trying to figure out what questions to ask.</p>
<p>I know there are people here with relevant expertise…</p>
<p>Do not think you can help with some sort of recovery. If you want more information and perspective, visit some NA meetings first. Family members trying to “help” an addict will almost always make the situation worse and pay a heavy price for the efforts.</p>
<p>I would research residential treatment programs. Look for something that also has good outpatient follow up for after the residential treatment program ends. If this young woman is incapable of making her own decisions, the family might want to consider what they should do legally so she does not just sign herself out of treatment.</p>
<p>She’s apparently in a 30-day residential program in another state right now. I doubt that she would be considered legally unable to make her own decisions. In addition, she probably has no health insurance and her parents cannot afford to pay for treatment.</p>
<p>You really do not know whether she wants to be helped or not. You also do not know whether she wants to live with you. </p>
<p>If she does not want help then she won’t be helped. Also, consider that she may steal from you and anyone in your home. Are you prepared to make house rules and conditions under which she may live with you? Are you prepared to define and carry out consequences when those rules and conditions are not followed/broken?</p>
<p>To my knowledge, she does not have a diagnosis; however, I would venture to guess that she may possibly emerge from this hospital stint with one.</p>
<p>Good points, northeastmom. However, if no one extends a hand to help her escape her previous toxic environment because everyone is afraid to take a chance on her, what will happen to her? I’m not suggesting that we can “save” her against her will, she has to save herself. But I’m not convinced that it is the right thing for everyone to abandon her, either.</p>
<p>I found Beverly Conyers’ books enormously helpful in understanding what families have the power to influence and what they do not. (Search for her online or on Amazon or B&N.) If your niece is in a 30-day-treatment program, you may want to adopt a wait-and-see approach for a little while to see how she progresses and whether she is serious about recovery. This is tough stuff. I sent you a PM.</p>
<p>What a very kind person you are. I commend you for considering what you can do to help. I want to caution you that all the love in the world won’t make someone get clean unless they want to and are willing to do the work necessary. </p>
<p>The very first question is whether she wants to get clean. If not… well… I would encourage your family to go to Narcotics Anonymous for support as she continues to self-destruct. I am not being cold when I say this. It is just a fact, as many families of addicts have discovered. Once people become adults, the family has very little power.</p>
<p>If she does express a desire to get clean, the odds of her being able to do so with just a change of environment are miniscule. 30 days is enough to detox her but it is not enough to give her coping strategies. There ARE free residential programs (e.g. Union Rescue Mission, Teen Challenge (which is free for adults as fundraising at stores, etc. is part of their program) -possibly Salvation Army). Many of these are faith-based but if she wants sobriety enough she’ll be willing to go. </p>
<p>If it doesn’t seem that a residential program is an option and you are determined to have her live with you, I would suggest getting clear in your own mind that you may have to kick her out and that you are WILLING to do that if she doesn’t cooperate. It will not be helpful to her or fair to you if she is allowed to sink your family’s ship. If you give her a chance and it doesn’t work, it will not be a failure on your part. It will have been a good faith attempt to help her. That’s all you can do.</p>
<p>Some ground rules would clearly be in order. A job in X number of days. 3 - 5 12-step meetings a week (actually 30 meetings in 30 days is recommended for the newly clean/sober). (And SHE needs to locate the meetings. She’s 26: don’t do it for her. They’re easy to find for those who are motivated.) Random drug testing at your discretion. Figure out rules about contacting friend she used with. Better yet, if she lives with you she agrees to block those people from her phone, and communicating with them is grounds for getting kicked out. Give her chores. Stealing = leaving. Lying = leaving. Put tracking on her phone and let her know it. Put her phone on your plan so you can see the numbers she calls.</p>
<p>Don’t worry about being harsh. This is life or death. Don’t be surprised if she returns to her old friends. At least you will have tried.</p>
<p>Consolation-
You are very very kind to offer to help, but to be honest, I think it is premature. There are so many variables you do not know, and having her dad in your house must be a big enough adjustment.</p>
<p>If she is really committed to her recovery (we do not know-- she is there because of the OD, right?) She should go to a halfway house after she is discharged and then step down to maybe a 3/4 way house. You can always be a support later, if she shows a true, stable and coinsisteny commitment to recovery. But now - it is too soon, IMO. And complicated with her dad being with you.
I’d wait at this point.
Good luck!
This is not easy.</p>
<p>My SIL asked if her troubled teenaged daughter could live with us for awhile. We let our niece know the specific ground rules that we would have in place. She declined the offer. Somehow, she managed to turn her life around and now has a stable marriage and two kids. It’s so hard to know what to do.</p>
<p>What kind of relationship does she have with her father? Is it possible that a strong offer of support (emotional) by him might motivate her to get the continuing treatment she needs? It sounds like he’s willing, and he may be just the connection that would make a difference.<br>
I agree that without a change in environment, recovery is unlikely. But it will take a lot more than that. You are wonderful for trying to help, both the dad and the daughter. Even though the addict has to want to be helped, I would feel like you do, and have to try.</p>
<p>The reason I ask about the dad’s relationship- if this were one of my kids, my DH would be on a plane asap and drag her back to where he lives (after her current treatment) and “make” her get help, 26 or not. But then, my kids adore their dad and he has the kind of influence with them to do that. If the relationship isn’t there, his words may fall on deaf ears.</p>
<p>She will need a long term residential program where there is daily counseling and AA/NA meetings. She will have to want this. You can be supportive with letters and care packages.</p>
<p>Agree with sax. My brother didn’t OD, but he reached rock bottom. He had to do an inpatient stint followed by daily out patient counseling. He had to want it … otherwise, it would not have worked. Later, when he relapsed, he wanted it, but it didn’t work (he did eventually OD and died - but it was years after he initially cleaned up). Letters and care packages seem wise to me. Let her know you care. I would hesitate to ask her to come stay with you. It could lead to problems … theft or worse, violence.</p>
<p>Also agree with sax. Good intentions and the experience needed to truly help are two different things, entirely. I don’t think many of us are qualified to swing a person through this extreme situation. Even if she genuinely commits to recovery, it requires a profesional level of support and approaches you are probably unfamiliar with. I also had a family member go through this and it ended badly. The relatives were torn about whether they had done “enough.” They thought it was a matter of love and support and if only they had done “this” or “that”. This second-guessing continues, decades later. I’m sorry. It’s far more complicated. It’s not a simple bump in the road. At 26, she may qualify for a publicly funded program. As sax and kelsmom note, your letters and care packages may be the very most you can actually do, until time has passed. Again, sorry you are facing this.</p>
<p>Actually, only about 1 out of 6 chemically dependent individuals have a co-occurring mental disorder. And many of those thought to have mental health disorders find that the disorder disappears after their chemically dependency is treated.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, the prognosis for opiate addiction without medication-assisted-treatment (methadone or buprenorphine) is not terrific. Around 35% of those treated actually “complete” treatment (residential plus outpatient) the first time around, and, of those, roughly half (or a little under) will relapse within six months. It has gotten worse lately because of the wide availability of non-heroin opiates.</p>
<p>Willpower at the outset is not the issue. Studies indicate that initial motivation for treatment has no impact one way or the other on treatment success. It does - but later - after a patient’s head is “clear”. </p>
<p>And, yes, change of scenery, different housing, different friends, etc. make a big difference. Just don’t expect miracles the first time around. It has taken years to make her who she is today, so it is unrealistic to expect that it isn’t going to take a similar amount of time for her to make herself into something else.</p>
<p>And, yes, I have TONS of success stories. (Does your state have Oxford Houses? Might be a better approach at some point than having her with you.)</p>
<p>Yes, I really wish she had medical insurance.</p>
<p>You are in Maine, which has good treatment programs for heroin, and they have good harm reduction programs, too. If she could afford to be put on suboxone for a matter of time, sometimes for life, it can be the best approach, particularly if her using hasn’t gotten so high to need methadone. Suboxone is the best alternative for heroin addiciton, and unfortunately, most treatment programs for opiate addiction are still based on the Minnesota model, not that it is a bad model, it’s an excellent model, for those for whom it works, but the abstinence can be impossible for opiate addictions.</p>
<p>Look into nearby halfway houses for her, if possible. That way you can be available, but not be responsible. You can’t actually help her to stay clean, and you don’t want to put yourself inbetween an addict and their drugs. I’m in the field and I wouldn’t even try this with someone I was related to, though I applaud your good-heartedness.</p>
<p>As for co-occuring mental illness? It’s impossible to tease it out until she’s clean, or at least stable on the bupenorphin or methadone. Good luck to you.</p>
<p>OP, so sorry for your niece and it’s great that you are trying to help her. Like many have already posted, she needs to WANT professional help & then do it, preferably in a residential treatment plan (as others have already mentioned). Living with you would not get her what she needs.</p>
<p>What I had in mind was not that she would live with us–or at least not unless it was necessary for a limited time in order to set her up properly–but to see if she could get into a halfway house or other program up here. (I’ll look into Oxford houses, thanks.) I realize that she would need a full-fledged program, not just a home. She would be away from her former environment, which I figure would help her avoid falling back into old patterns–not that she wouldn’t anyway, but it has to help.</p>
<p>We are the only relatives on her father’s side of the family that would be likely to be willing to do anything. Her mother has some cousins who live in Florida with whom our niece has had more of a relationship than with us, but frankly I doubt that they would be able to provide much of a stable environment/model/influence. It could be out of the frying pan into the fire.</p>
<p>And of course her father is now here. They do not have a good relationship, but he is her father and he does care about her. At least there would be some adults around who do care about her.</p>
<p>What questions should we be asking to figure out what her legal/medical situation is? Does anyone know whether it is even possible to move to a new state and get into a publicly-funded program, and how long it takes? One always hears that spots in these programs are very hard to come by.</p>