My oldest has a very talkative GF. It’s easy to hold a conversation with her. My youngest has an extremely quiet GF, been going out for almost a year. She’s very nice, polite, smart and I like her. However, I really find it extremely difficult to carry on a conversation. She smiles and answers questions, but her expounding on them isn’t very long. I think it’s just a combination of quiet and shy. I can carry a two sided conversation very easily, but after about 5 minutes of trying to think of things to ask her in a mostly one sided one, I run out of ideas and frankly patience. So I just smile and go do some Mom stuff around the house.
I’m not sure I even know what I’m asking for help with. Maybe just validating that chitchat for a few minutes is fine and I’m off the hook to keep trying to make up conversation. I don’t want her to think I don’t like her, or make her uncomfortable.
I think it’s fine to follow her lead and chat as long as is mutually comfortable and then go off and do “mom stuff.” She may be as relieved as you are that the conversation is short. Over time, you may have more common areas to talk about or not. My kids aren’t dating anyone, so don’t have these issues, yet.
I’ve had the same girls date my boys! I think the quiet one had very low self esteem and just talking to us was outside her comfort zone, especially if S19 wasn’t right next to her. The talkative one is easier to be around and I could (and have) talked to for hours! I didn’t take it personally either way, especially since I don’t recall having very many conversations with the parents of boys I dated at that age, or my mother in law for that matter.
Wow, I’d hate for people to assume that I have low self-esteem because I’m quiet. At that age I was also very shy and I’m hard of hearing to boot. I also don’t remember by college boyfriends’ (or HS boyfriends) parents having all that much to say to me, never mind much in common. I think you should just follow her lead and stop getting irritated with her. There’s nothing wrong with being quiet.
Feed her the bait? “I love to do X–so much fun.” No response? That’s okay. Keep going. You’ll hit on something.
Think of it as a video game you can’t really lose.
Other side of the coin…
You must know something about her by now.
My guess is that what she loves to do is not something that she thinks YOU are interested in. Or doesn’t see as particularly interesting to other people. Common for art and science geeks.
Find out what that is and make the effort. The effort can be as little as "why is this important to you?
Some people just aren’t big talkers. If she becomes more than a GF you will find more common ground and conversation. If she ends up being a keeper, you can have experiences together, like take a trip or cook a meal, do something together, so then you will begin to have a fund of common experiences.
I am a talkative person. I don’t have real conversations with my MIL and I don’t have experiences with her either. We just do not really get along as people. We’re cordial and make very minor conversation and we’ve left it at that. After several years, this is what we’ve both become comfortable with… and that is fine.
We have found over the years that the GF/BFs talk more over meals, especially in restaurants where it’s group talk and no way to leave. You can draw the quiet one into the conversation watching for a reaction or by asking for his/her opinion. We are talkers (H not as much) and our discussions tend to be intelligent, lively, open, and inclusive.
This didn’t work as well for S1’s first long time GF; she ultimately broke up with him. Next GF is now his wife. D1’s BF has come out of his shell using this approach.
My son is not a “small talker.” He’s perfectly capable of communicating effectively, but has no use for small talk. It can be hard to deal with him, and he’s also more talkative when hes around people his own age.
I wouldn’t sweat it. Talk for a minute or two, and then move on to whatever you want to do.
If you feel the need to spend time with her, do something – ask for her help in the kitchen, go for a hike, anything you can do together silently or talking. As the parent of a quiet child, I can attest that some people are more private and simply have no need to project themselves. It’s not about you, nor is it anything negative about them. If yout make connections verbally, silence can feel like shunning, but it’s really not that.
It’s difficult. Yds had a gf who literally never initiated a conversation with me. Never. I felt I had to drag conversation out of her. His current one is much easier and even then I have to work at it. I ask about her family, her job, their neighborhood, the care of their dog, etc. And she tries as well and I really appreciate that. She will ask me what I’ve been up to, did I hear about so and so, etc. Ods’s fiancee is just a great fit, feel like I’ve known her forever, like she was made for not only him but for us. Mds’s wife is Thai so that is a whole other issue, LOL. Bit of both language and cultural barriers of sorts. She’s very sweet and easy going so it’s okay. And she’s the mother of my extremely adorable first grandchild. : )
I just try to be “real”, be myself. Be kind and nice and open and supportive. I never, ever want any drama.
Maybe she’s shy. Also, some people don’t like to talk about themselves but like to talk about substantive issues. Try asking her opinion of the day’s events. I’m sure she has an opinion about that.
Really some people just aren’t that good at conversation. We love my son’s girlfriend and she’s perfectly able to talk, but there’s no question she talks five times as much to him as she does with us, and that’s okay.