<p>Since I want a happy new year, I’m seeking some tips.</p>
<p>At times I am in a great mood. Then someone comes home grumpy or makes a needling remark and suddenly I am not happy any more.</p>
<p>What can I do to retain my equanimity in these situations?</p>
<p>Do not take it personally. Keep in mind that it is their issue not yours.
Smile. It really does make you feel better.</p>
<p>How about letting those people know that you do not appreciate their remarks, and will not be their punching bag. Let them know that you want to be treated with respect and kindness.</p>
<p>Northeastmom, that has been my modus operandi to date, but it is not effective and I find it just makes things worse.</p>
<p>As my mother told me, “you can control your own actions, but not those of others.”</p>
<p>Makes things worse? How can that happen? They lash out more when you refuse to be a doormat for abuse?</p>
<p>My experience is that people do not change their behavior when you tell them “don’t talk to me that way.”</p>
<p>I am looking for some alternative approaches.</p>
<p>This is always tricky. I have needed a 2 pronged approach. First, I have worked to cultivate a thicker skin (usually people who have a need to put others down consistently are saying more about themselves than the one they are criticizing). I have also looked at people after a comment with a puzzled expression (curious, but not wounded) and said I am wondering what makes you say that/why you would say that/ or how they would like or expect me to respond to them. It requires a studied detachment for the emotional content of their remark. It seems to interrupt the provoke/set limits cycle that some people can do unrelentingly. Sometimes an equally disinterested shrug will do. Anything but a power confirming reply is good. We all know people like you describe and some can not always be avoided-which is my first choice when possible. Good luck!</p>
<p>I do think some of it is that the person in question is feeling stressed, anxious or unhappy and is being prickly as a means of release.</p>
<p>Certainly I am in no position to make the person more happy.</p>
<p>So I’m wondering if I can get to some Zen mind set where I at least dodge the contagious unhappy vibes more.</p>
<p>Maybe use the technique I used when d was little and whining: “I don’t understand you when you speak that way.” It stopped the whining; perhaps it’ll stop the needling. </p>
<p>Or maybe: “Is there something you’d like to talk about?”</p>
<p>Sometimes I just physically remove myself as soon as possible. One of my Ds was whining when we were cross country skiing a couple of weeks ago (she was cold, and I had already traded hats and gloves with her because she thought mine were warmer). So… I just skiied away. Did it 3 different times when we had stopped at trail junctures and she had started up again. After that, she stopped. Maybe the extra skiing warmed her up, too 
But it actually surprised me with how effective it was!</p>
<p>Fendrock-
Do you have several roommates? You mention “someone comes home grumpy”. Apologies, I know you are out of school and in the working world, but I’ve forgotten, are you living with several roomies, a significant other or what? My suggestions might differ depending on the situation. </p>
<p>In a roommate/housemate situation, sometimes its helpful to have a “house meeting” every so often, and these issues can be addressed there. You might not be the only one feeling this way. People have bad days and sometimes need to vent. Chedva’s suggestions in post # 9 are great.</p>
<p>Sometimes humor can help. When I didn’t want to hear my kids vent, I would sometimes say “the complaint department is closed” and pretend like I was pulling a window shade down. Finally, my younger s said to me “gee, it seems like the complaint window is always closed”. Then the lightbulb went off in his head, and we both smiled. He got it :)</p>
<p>I am definitely someone who wants things to be “happy”. And I feel discouraged when my kids or husband comes home grumpy, depressed, frustrated - whatever.</p>
<p>I have told my family that this is a issue for me - really stresses me out! - and while they want me to listen to them complain, they get upset if I’m upset! So…we’ve kind of made a deal - try and tell me something positive first - if I hear something GOOD or at least not-so-bad about their day, I am better equipped to deal with their grumbles too.</p>
<p>I realize it’s MY character flaw, but I figure it’s better to admit it and ask them to “work with me” so we can all get along at the end of the day. :)</p>
<p>Accept the fact that your mood will vary and not get down on yourself for feeling down. We aren’t machines that operate the same all the time. We have cycles of ups and downs. A very few people show no real fluctuation and that at least sometimes is due to repressing feelings.</p>
<p>If there’s something specific that bothers you, deal with it either by eliminating or accepting the thing so your negative reaction doesn’t become a habit.</p>
<p>Have lots of dark chocolate, it will keep you in very good mood. It is my breakfast every day. Works like charm. As long as nothing hurts, I am OK.</p>
<p>“They lash out more when you refuse to be a doormat for abuse?”</p>
<p>Well, some people lash out more when the person they most expect support from tells them to keep their problems to their self.</p>
<p>OP - Perhaps you could try what I do when DW comes home in a b**chy mood. “Love you Hon, come tell me about your day.” I know that cloud she’s carrying around isn’t directed at me, and I’m willing to spend a few minutes of my day to clear the bad mood.</p>
<p>In addition to Chocolate, my rule is what happened at work, stays at work, what happened at home, stays at home. No carrying of any leftover feeling in between. My H. is never in bad mood. Maybe he has the same rule, maybe I do not pay attention, I do not know. We exercise 2 hours / day also, after which you do not remember anything that happened at work any way.</p>
<p>It seems to me that you are on your way to changing the dynamic - you have taken the biggest first step, which is to recognize the “dance” - your emotional response to their state. Now that you are able to witness what is happening inside yourself, you can watch how your reactions progress and learn how you work. Observing your reactions consciously and with loving compassion, without judgement, you become more objective and less easily sucked into reacting mode. Simply observe, without judgement, their state and your response. Slowly you will find that your habit of responding with sadness, anger, depression, avoidance, replusion - what ever it is, begins to ease a bit. “Oh,” you say to yourself, “here I am again, emotionally sinking a bit in response to XYZ’s mood. Huh.” Then you can begin to unwind that reaction by slowing down and very very calmly (with that slow owl blink that seems vacant but that gives you a moment to collect yourself instead of just reacting =) you can say, “you had a bad day?”</p>
<p>There is a great book - The Dance of Anger [Amazon.com:</a> The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships (9780060741044): Harriet Lerner: Books](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/Dance-Anger-Changing-Patterns-Relationships/dp/006074104X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1263234856&sr=8-1#noop]Amazon.com:”>http://www.amazon.com/Dance-Anger-Changing-Patterns-Relationships/dp/006074104X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1263234856&sr=8-1#noop)</p>
<p>One part talks about the “change back” reaction. If you have always responded a certain way, like engaging and sympathizing and listening and “yeah they’re all idiots” agreeing, then when you stop engaging in this dance, the other person becomes perplexed, disoriented, and sort of (unconsciously) ramps up the behavior to get you to change back to the type of response every one is used to. So changing a dynamic can be tricky.</p>
<p>I went through something like this with DH and he turned out to be very very upset after a few weeks, though held it all in. Finally the dam broke when I told him I was working on changing my self, to become more positive, that I was noticing how negative comments were getting me down. He sort of got it but was very hurt, thinking I didn’t want to hear about his work issues. Really what I wanted was a more constructive approach to problems. What he needed was room to vent. We’re doing a little of each now, and the anger over the change in dynamic has dissipated.</p>
<p>^^^^^^^^^^^^</p>
<p>I hear you about work stuff . . . wifely and I have gradually gotten to the point where neither of us talks about work at home (or the local elections I work on). . . work is stressful enough without having to rehash it in the bowers of our abode . . . so if I want to hear what’s going on at her office I need to sidle up to her at parties and eavesdrop . . works fine for us!!!</p>
<p>Kei</p>
<p>P.S. For us friends are for venting, preferably when exercising or during brisk walks. We find that venting to each other is negative for the relationship.</p>
<p>I too am very reactive to someone else’s mood. I have learned with practice, to not respond in anyway to a comment that may unerve me. When i see it coming, I make a mental note to recognize it for what it is, take a deep breath, then I can respond in a better way without the emotion that would have normally come with it. Its a way of detaching from the moment and evaluate what is happening. Most times I end up not even responding and just move forward.
Not knowing when the punch would fly is what was unsettling. Now with practice I am better prepared to handle the ups that gets one off kilter.</p>