As someone so wisely said, we do the best we can and we have to let go of any regrets.
One of the best things I did was to stay home with them and volunteer for their classrooms, softball teams, swim team etc. It allowed me to get to know their friends and be involved in what they loved. I wish I had been less anxious, always worrying, but I think I’m wired that way. One of the other things I’m glad I did is go back to work so they could learn independence. Yes, I’m glad I stayed home for a bit and I’m glad I went back to work.
Best thing I did - spent tons of time with them. I also accepted them for who they were and encouraged their individual interests.
What I could have done better - made them more responsible for themselves - including chores around the house. I should have let them fail more.
I did well remembering hubby and I were a couple and we went away on vacations just the two of us and maintained our relationship. I did poorly remembering who I was outside the kids and husband.
^^^ This is me and honestly I think it was a mistake in parenting. (because kids need to realize that parents are husband and wife too!) My H and I seemed to forget the “us” relationship and spent all our time being mom/dad. Guess we will do some catch up time when the last one heads to college this fall!
What would I change? I wish I had had one more - I am so dreading the empty nest, and have room in my heart and budget for one more, but at the time, we thought we we had maxed out our time and resources.
Advice? Let them fight their own battles, but prepare them before they do. In other words, if your child is having a problem with a teacher, don’t step in, but instead work with your kid - how to approach the teacher, what to say, etc. It is training for life. (You’ll know when, as a parent, you MUST step in - there are situations that can only be handled by an adult).
Less. Less running to activities, less worry about 5th grade homework, less busy-ness.
More. More family time, more ice cream for dinner, more mental health days at Disneyland or the beach, more trips to see Grandparents.
What we did right…unconditional love, family dinners (often hours long with great conversation), embracing our inner nerdiness (some of those dinner conversations were doozies!), encouragement to reach for the stars while having a soft place to fall.
Now we face empty nest in a few short months. Time to reinvent ourselves. Scary…
Wish I had pushed her harder to learn to drive. She still doesn’t at age 21. I wish I had pushed her to learn to cook. I don’t (her dad does the family cooking), but at least I know how. She could probably learn to cook on her own via YouTube or whatever, but the driving thing will limit her employment and living options.
^I wish I’d pushed harder for learning to drive too. My oldest had a learner’s permit - and the required hours, all he had to do was take the test. Who knew that he’d never have another summer at home? Younger son is on his second learner’s permit. He’s doing a full time internship, so I don’t know when he’ll find the time to practice. They now require more hours and he needs them!
I have no big regrets. Both my kids are big readers, they play board games with us which is fun. They are very independent. We had family dinners every night. Neither kids was overstressed in high school. I worked part time when they were young and from my home for much of their school years so I was available when they needed me, but I was no helicopter Mom. (I’m far too lazy!) They did pretty well in college. Oldest is at his dream job. Younger one is on a second internship which he wishes was a real job, but he’s doing interesting work.
I wish my oldest were more social. He probably glommed onto computer programming earlier than was good for him, but it would have happened sooner or later. But everyone I talk to think he’s pretty much hard-wired to be the kind of kid he is. For him I wish I’d known about math circles and pushed even harder for appropriate math placement for him - he could have been accelerated more than he was.
Younger kid I sometimes think should have been kept back a year, he always seemed to be about six month behind the program - the idea horrifies him and the fact is that by the time he got to high school he’d figured it out and learned to work with his deficits. He missed top 5% by one place! The only real thing I’d do is push for him to study Spanish instead of Latin.
I’ve certainly thought about all the things I wish I had done differently, and there is a long list of things I see other parents doing that I wish I had done. BUT, if I had it to do all over again I am pretty sure I would do it all pretty much the same, because most of those different things require a lot of work, and it’s very hard to change yourself.
The receptionist at my dentist’s office recommended and excellent book for parents with adult children. Let’s face it, they’re adults when they turn 18:
“Setting Boundaries with your Adult Children”
While the book has a religious undertone and I am not religious, the message is a good one. I just skipped over the parts that didn’t apply. We need to set boundaries and we need to let our kids learn the concept of trial and error and that there are consequences for certain actions.
Remember I mentioned my 22 year old with severe ADHD? We paid for her to go to the community college so that she could get a good GPA and transfer. She never took it seriously and we really wasted our money. After reading this book, we told her if you don’t do well this semester, you’re paying for your education. We stuck to it. We are hoping she goes back, but we cannot keep spending money on something she doesn’t take seriously. Maybe if her own money is at risk, she will take it seriously.
Another lesson in the book. If your child has a deadline, don’t constantly remind them. If they get a driving ticket, tell them how they need to handle it and let them deal with the consequences if they don’t pay it on time.
This was NOT easy, but I feel relief because I’m not constantly worrying. It may seem harsh, but until she learns that mom and dad won’t bail her out of her troubles, the sooner she will learn to do for herself. I still wish I had done this much earlier.
I just ran into a woman who was caring for her grandchildren during the day, who were also being breast fed.
If you are nursing, allow others to
Give them a bottle.
Otherwise you will be sorry one day. ( like when you need to do something that takes longer than two hours)
I didn’t think ours should be left entirely to succeed or fail on their own- what did they know, at different stages? And some of their choices could change their course, have long term implications. (I don’t believe kids are full adults just because they turn 18.) So, I talked to them, enough. Sometimes, it was about, well, ‘looking forward.’ Other times, about options for resolving an issue. Then, many decisions could be theirs, but I had better assurance they made a reasoned choice. And sure, plenty of times, they did the opposite of what I thought should be done. It worked out. I think it helps to have a flexible view of what “it worked out” can mean.
I did remind them of deadlines. I did ask them about homework. There were times when we did have to step in. But they learned. And they also learned they could come to us to discuss.
Perfect? Nope. What would I do differently? Right now, I honestly don’t know.
^ i agree with you, lookingforward. It’s necessary to remind a little child about homework, but it’s important not to do the actual remembering for them. The younger the child, the more involved the parents are, and that’s the way it should be. The problem some parents have is that they lose sight of the real lesson. For example, the dreaded diorama project is not about the quality of the diorama itself, so having your intern at work do the project, as some parents do, is not the point of the exercise.
This seems to have worked in our family- they know they have an entire families unqualified love and acceptance for who they are not what other people think they should be.
We started a homework routine when D was in kindergarten. Come home, have a snack, sit at the table and do homework. There was no reminder after awhile because it was just what was done. Obviously we had to help her at times and in early elementary it wasn’t every day. But it seems to have been a good way to handle it-while some of her peers “forget” or don’t bother with what little homework her school assigns (it’s project-based so almost all work is done in class), hers is always done, always on time, and on her own initiative.
My older kids were homeschooled for early elementary, so the routine was different, and homework was different once they got to school. But for all of them school was/is their “job” and it wasn’t mine to do the work.
Enjoy the moment you are having RIGHT NOW. Don’t look ahead to when they will roll over, will walk, will be able to dress or bathe themselves without help, etc. Just treasure the stage you are in, because it is so fleeting
