I belong to a Mah Jongg group of four. Sometimes we are only two and play siamese and sometimes we play three. “M” is a serious rule keeper. She corrects everything and needs to win. (we play for quarters). For a number of weeks she has not been there and today she returned. One joked more than usual and one became far less fun. I got a headache. I was telling a short story about hacking into their HOA years ago to see what their noise ordinances were-- (not our HOA). This was years ago. OH MY! She expressed her thoughts that this was terrible! She frowned. She was obvious.
Just venting but it seriously ruined a good day. I want to ask her if she got into trouble for coloring outside of the lines. I cannot imagine being this rigid. H is puzzled as to why I cannot talk with the other two and does not understand why I do not talk with the other two. I explained that is gossiping and I will not do that. Talking to this woman would be like talking to one of my nuns back in the 50’s.
Since I can gossip on a rant–she looks like someone who should run a library in the 40’s in a tiny town. Also, she is utterly boring.
And why can’t I get this post to format correctly?
You’re not allowed to reply on the “say it here” thread!
I belonged to a Bunco group (12 members) that met monthly for years. We finally disbanded because of ONE member. She was mean (although she thought she was funny), she cheated, she was loud, and she never, ever missed a game. It just wasn’t fun for us any more. We did hold a couple of “secret” buncos a couple of times after we disbanded, but I was always worried she would find out and so we even stopped doing that.
Thinking about this has made me realize how much fun we used to have! I’m going to schedule another “un-Bunco night”. Life is too short to let someone take away my fun!
^Good idea and I would advise that OP approach this carefully. When asking the other two how they feel about the difficult person, it may become a gossip fest that she wants to avoid.
Are you playing the game to play the game or is it just an excuse to socialize? If it is to play the game, rules do matter and the point is to win. If it is to just socialize, I repeat my first sentence.
Could you have a group discussion with all involved in the bunco games being present? State that you think it is a good idea to periodically discuss what the group rules are what the point of the group is. Maybe somebodies opinion of what the group is or should be changes over time. It would be good to have such discussions once or twice a year.
Maybe this woman’s attitude will change or she will drop out if she sees that her goals are different than the groups. Or, maybe it will give you a graceful way to back out of the group by saying that your goals are different than theirs and it is time to move on.
You could always ask her if she obeys every speed limit. It works for me when I get folks who decide “all” rules must be obeyed and start to voice that opinion with force.
I’m not quite sure why it’s a “sin” to know what a HOA has for a noise ordinance. I would think that info would be open to the public TBH. If it’s not, I’m with you having no problem doing whatever to figure it out.
Some rules/laws are just plain dumb. Others apply to various situations, but aren’t really applicable to everything. Hacking is one of those.
With MahJongg… the only thing that irritates me is when a player insists that one must click the tile on their board every time. Nah. Sometimes you pick one up and have absolutely no interest in it and discard it. It’s not worth the effort to bring it to your board. Quite honestly, unless in tournament play (I suppose), once that tile is put in the discard that signifies the previous person is done (so no calling the previous tile). If someone wants to call the previous tile before the most recent one is discarded, then the tile bump to the tray is important and that person gets the play.
Fun game. It’s been a year or so since I’ve played. Not enough folks around us play it to have a group. I’m somewhat jealous. (Same with Rook, but my family plays that more often when we get together.)
Sounds if your comrade acted according to her character.
I don’t think I would be outwardly crabby or judgmental, but I would find it kinda weird if someone hacked our HOA agreement. I would wonder why you didn’t just ask someone who lives in the neighborhood about the noise ordinance. But I have had many conversations with women who seemed to have more opinions on my HOA costs, rules, property taxes, etc than I have so maybe I’m just a little sensitive!
@houndmom Slight rabbit trail. Why aren’t HOA agreements public? How can someone even decide if they want to buy a house in the neighborhood without knowing the rules? Do they really have to actually look at a house and seem committed to buying first to be able to be in that special club to see them? It doesn’t make sense to me TBH.
(Asks the person who lives rural where the nearest thing to HOA rules are zoning laws - and those are public. BUT, knowing that we’re contemplating buying a condo elsewhere and knowing those tend to have HOA fees/rules… well, I just thought I’d be able to do my homework to know if we even want to look at X or Y first. Am I to understand I can’t?)
@Creekland We have HOA at our home and vacation condo, and the entire agreements were disclosed upon request - well before closing.
I don’t think it’s that hard to find out what is in an agreement - yearly or monthly cost and main rules (i.e. pets, parking. etc) are usually included on property descriptions. I think the word “hack” is what I would find weird.
Kinda off topic - I live in a big neighborhood and have been surprised at what people in nearby neighborhoods feel compelled to let me know about my own community … and how strong their opinions can be 8-|
OP, I’d be careful about asking the other members what they think of the rigid person. They may like her, support her, etc., and you’d wind up being odd person out.
If you enjoy the event otherwise, I’d probably just put up with her and try to avoid topics you know you won’t agree on. I like to believe that people are put in my circle to teach me something. Sometimes, that “something” is how not to behave!
Im.wondering how you hacked, sounds like you used another’s id and password. I suspect many would frown on this.
At some point, we all have to ask, “Is this the hill I want to die on?” In other words, how big a deal do you really want to make? Your choice is to make peace and continue playing with them or find another group.
@oregon101 I have a person in my life like that. Super opinionated and super rigid in their thinking. There is nothing she won’t complain about that other people not doing exactly as she wants them to.
It took a long time but I take her at face value. She has some medical problems and her life is very very small. I feel bad for her, that this is what she spends her time thinking about. It helps me, she also dominates the conversation. I try and tolerate it and don’t make it personal. It’s not about me and I have lots of other things to do.
It’s well know that everyone thinks the way I do and that helps.
And I feel bad but she can no longer golf of which I and the people I play with are very happy about.
Thanks for all the replies. Your responses are helpful for gaining a new perspective.
And a game plan.
As far as the “hacking” --I was being dramatic and funny (which the others understood).
All I did was poke around and got into their HOA covenants to see is if the build adjacent to
us was allowed to disrupt Sunday mornings week after week. The builder nor the owners
were around at the time (and rarely were). This was on a Sunday morning. The house is down
a steep hill from us and not easily accessible.
The contrast between the games where she does not attend and yesterday is great.
As I said, one jokes, one gets more rigid and I basically sit frustrated.
She has a limited income from a bad divorce. She makes poor financial decisions.
Her BF of 8 years left her as they made wedding plans. She moved from CA to OR
two years ago and has arranged her life in a 5 mile radius.
She is the victim in all cases (confirmed by her own stories). Others shake their head about
how she is so incapable of handling things but they do not say anything to her.
I made it clear from the beginning that I have been working on speaking up in the moment.
Politely, kindly, directly.
She said something under her breath regarding a call directed at me and I immediatly reponded
as if she had spoken directly. She became nice and talked about how she was in a bad mood
(no apology). People do not address her easily because she sounds like and angry authoritative
person from childhood.
I like the game but I do need to evaluate whether I want to continue with this group.
It is just a game to me and I tend not to be competitive. Your responses have reminded me that
should I decide to leave that I can do this gracefully with a partial truth.
Thanks!
I have decided to see if we can get together before Mah Jongg for lunch at a local cafe close to where we play. Perhaps I need to get to know her away from the rules and competition.
If it doesn’t go well I will bow out altogether.
It might not matter if you know her away from competition. You know how she is already. She’s a negative person in your view and wants to control things.
What you can try to do is just accept her as she is knowing that she isn’t going to change but quit trying to change who YOU are to accommodate her behavior
Don’t let her actions dictate your emotions or spoil your fun of the game.
I just saw this post again. It is interesting that since I wrote this she has missed often due to her dog’s
surgery. She returned for two games and was the rigid rule follower again.
She missed again last Thursday and the other two were so much more relaxed. Someone would make
an innocent goof and others would say, "it happens"and keep playing. Still competitive over all.
Just interesting and it helps me to know that it really is her and not my being overly sensitive.
gouf78, I agree but it is difficult to go against the school teacher :)) .
I am pretty sure her issue is that I have rogue opinions and she is a rigid follower.
She is bothering me less and less. I just am dying to ask her if she ever colored outside of the lines.
( I will say that I am the person who would bend over backwards to help you and she would not because
it might not fit her schedule :-B).
An update–I have decided that she and the other are just mean girls. The kind you find in Junior High.
They not longer bother me. Suspect the group will fold with a few months.
This was helpful, thanks.
If it is to just socialize, I repeat my first sentence.