Rate my optional essay?

<p>I choose to do the first topic… and i was pretty broad as to what my “environment” was and what my “goals” that resulted from it are… I want to portray myself as a thinker who wants to genuinely change teh world… let me know what you guys think. I know its kind of long but whatever they dont’ really say a limit…</p>

<li>Describe how the environment in which you grew up and how it shaped your personal goals.</li>
</ol>

<p>I first opened my eyes in 1987, and became conscious of the present world and its past sometime during the mid to late 90s. Through this understanding of historical and contemporary circumstances, I realized the conditions of my generation and shaped my general lifetime goals.
In modern times, man-made society has far more influence on an individual’s life than it did at any other point at time. Whereas throughout most of history, human life was at the mercy of nature and society was shaped in a way that reflected this relationship, today society dominates nature. The shift between these two systems occurred during the Industrial Revolution, and in many aspects the change has produced benefits. Industry has allowed for the manufacture of certain technologies such as cars, computers, refrigeration, and satellites, all of which have brought countless benefits, and surely knowledge and learning are presently at their highest points ever. However, during this shift society has become self-consuming and thoroughly rotten from the inside. </p>

<p>It is very common today to say that the world is “going crazy.” There seems to be a very common sentiment that something is wrong, though it is very difficult to put the problem exactly into words. The best attempt I can make is this: that society as whole has no long-term direction and has replaced real goals with a world of imaginary reality mutually convenient to the masses and the merchants. This is comprised principally of money and entertainment, but can also encompass politics, religion, and morality. We are expected to obediently go to work and slave away at “goals” that have no obvious benefit other than the maintenance of a bureaucracy, earn enough money to support a nice family in the suburbs, and then go home and watch some TV and “enjoy” a static state. Meanwhile, our society as a whole centers on a single goal: profit. It doesn’t matter what gets in the way. The current system is all consuming, and though it tries to convince itself that it operates outside of natural principles, it clearly cannot be sustained indefinitely. Perhaps most destructive about modern society is the way that we have come to perceive nature. In the modern world nature is at best a curiosity worth preserving because it’s pretty or because we care about animals, and at worst an obstacle in our endless quest for profit. It is not surprising that in a world of symbols Americans view “morality” as the most important issue in an election, but a real issue that actually affects their lives, the environment, is not even on the agenda. We have become so wrapped up in our human world, that we forget that we are as much a part of nature as the trees and the birds; destroy nature, and we destroy ourselves. </p>

<p>I am a child of this modern world. My generation is more disconnected from the old world than any other. My parent’s generation is often referred to as “the lost generation”—what does that make me? I believe that the world is entering into a time of flux. Society may soon burn itself out—whether through destruction of the environment, overconsumption of resources, or the collapse of the economic system—and humanity will go extinct or return to the old way of nature. Or, a significant change will occur and we will move into a new phase. If any generation is responsible for which path we shall take, it is mine. Obviously I can’t create any major changes by myself. I simply wish to be part of the antithesis that rises to meet this thesis that has become so thoroughly engrained in our world for more than a century. I will likely do this in some career related to public policy or law. One of the first steps in fixing our system will be to implement real environmental policy; not just sign a few bills protecting a forest or cutting back on the emission standards of a chemical. We must stop the constant corporate pillage of our natural world. </p>

<p>But before I can do anything, I must obtain an education. Though I am not yet sure what my major will be, I plan on studying some combination of history, philosophy, and political science. History sheds light on present and future problems by giving knowledge of the past; philosophy allows policy issues to be viewed in a light that addresses more than transient political matters. A quality education will allow me to better see and define the problems facing our nation, as well as arming be with intellectual tools to hopefully solve them. I do not want to be part of another “lost” generation; I want to be part of the generation that “found” itself and saved humanity from self-destruction.</p>

<p>First of all, your writing is a bit cold and detached; it always helps to write conversationally. Admissions people do want to know that you can think, but also that you are a human being beyond professorial diction. This essay is essentially a treatise on global sociology through the eyes of a seventeen or eighteen year old. You confront issues that we all think about, and do so very well. Still, though you show a depth of knowledge and insight, you show little sensitivity and candor. Also, the length of the essay is a little menacing. Just put yourself in the shoes of an admissions officer who has to read a few thousand essays. Be concise. Another thing to note is that the question asks for a discussion of the environment in which you grew up. As far as i can tell, they want to know about you, your family life, your home town, etc. We’ve all lived in this crazy world. Weave your insight into a piece of writing that is short, sweet, introspective, revealing, and conversational.</p>

<p>You’re a very good writer, so don’t get discouraged.
Good luck!</p>

<p>i wrote the essay in this style because my actual common app essay is the exact opposite; it is witty, lighthearted, conversational and fun. my goal in this essay was to show that i’m not just a fun kid but that i’m a thinker as well. </p>

<p>i posted this on another board and some people said the same thing about it being too cold and talking to much about the world and not about myself. i’m working on shortening the description of the world part and expanding the part about myself, so i’ll repost when i’m done</p>

<p>however it has got to be the most boring essay i have ever read. I’ve had more fun reading my us history textbook. You want to show not tell. you want to come off as interesting not didactic. Show something personal like your family, friends, life, interests etc.</p>