Reaching for the Brass Ring

Prep School Admissions
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<p>For the kids out there who are im/patiently waiting to hear your news on March 10, I want to share a story. When I began law school many years ago, the Dean of our (top 10) law school, at orientation, said to all of us “you are all very good at reaching for the brass ring. You’re good students and test takers. The question is - what are you reaching for? Have you just gotten into the habit of reaching and reaching without a sense of what it is at the end?” </p>

<p>His experience with generations of students had taught him that he was facing a bunch of kids who were competitive and driven, and who were able to compete well on tests and papers, but not all of whom actually had any clue what they were getting into with law school and did not have a vision for what they would do with that education. I know many, many lawyers who are deeply unhappy with their work.</p>

<p>(BTW, The brass ring metaphor is from riding carousels, and the carousel operator would walk around the moving carousel wildly waving over your heads in the carousel a long stick from which hung a brass ring. You tried to grab the ring as you sailed by and it was flying around through the air.)</p>

<p>I guess what I want to say is this: what is the brass ring for you here? What are you reaching for? An earlier thread indicated that some people in the poster’s acquaintance were applying to top BSs, not because they wanted to go, but just to see whether they could get in. I saw this same phenomenon in law school as people scrambled to get interviews with the most prestigious firms, not because they had any intention of working there, but just to see if they could get the interview/job offer. But the actual brass ring in law? it can be a LOT of tedious difficult and often mind-numbingly boring work, for far too many hours in a week. You have to be very committed to an ideal about the profession or aspect of the work in order to keep you doing the tedious boring difficult stuff. Or you had to remember what sent you to law school in the first place - helping children in legal system? Some sense of justice/right to representation/etc? The dean knew this and we didn’t. We were still starry eyed, expecting the brass ring to be shiny vague stuff. Like, maybe it was going to be like Law and Order or a Grisham novel, PLUS we’d have job security and make a lot of money. Well, no.</p>

<p>So, what’s your brass ring?</p>

<p>A corollary to all this is meant to be a word of encouragement. If you do NOT get the news you want on March 10, know that it is not a failure on your part. The school knows better than you do what is the actual brass ring at the school - what goes on there, what is required, who survives and thrives, etc. The reality for my daughter at BS I think is a great deal different from her amorphous musings. The workload is VERY HEAVY. She almost NEVER gets enough sleep. She is always bone tired. There have been times when she has missed home deeply, and felt very alone. On the other hand, she actually has built a community there for herself, has loved the classes and teachers and coaches, has had the opportunity to live among peers (a new thing since she is an only child), and has grown up in many ways. The growing up happened far more quickly than would have happened at home - and at times has been difficult and painful. She would not trade the experience, but I don’t think she had ANY clue what it would really be like.</p>

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<p>Very wise post, mom. I would hope that the parents of the kids on this board would have conversations with their children about this very subject. Life is a journey…and always seeking the shiniest “prize” takes one’s mind off the goal of trying to live a fulfilling, rich life while on that journey.</p>

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<p>MomtoanUndecided, what did your daughter expect compared to the reality of boarding school? </p>

<p>I hope I’m being realistic about boarding school. I have some idea of what to expect, since my sister is in her 3rd year at prep school. </p>

<p>I know some kids think their lives will be different at boarding school, that somehow they can reinvent themselves. I don’t think this is true. If you were a nerd at home, you’re going to be a nerd at school. Nothing wrong w/ being a nerd—my point is, i don’t think your personality is going to change. (I could have said jock, or brainiac, etc… and it probably wouldn’t raise anyone’s blood pressure. Nerd was probably used more for shock value than anything else.) </p>

<p>And, if what you say is true, that the admissions department knows "what the brass ring is at school, what goes on there, what is required, who survives and thrives, etc.', then hopefully, they will see your personality during the interview and decide whether you (nerd, jock, underachiever, whatever), will survive and thrive in their school. So, if you are a brainiac, you might stick out like a pretzel in a bowl full of potato chips at your public high school, but you will fit in quite nicely with the other brainiacs at Exeter or Andover.</p>

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<p>KitKat,</p>

<p>I think for my daughter, she just expected it to be a lot like school at home except she would be living with friends and there would be lots of great social events. And she was not wrong about that entirely - it is school where you live with friends and there are lots of great social events.</p>

<p>However, the adjustments to taking care of when to rise and sleep, keeping track of all her own responsibilities and timetables for activities (is your lacrosse bag packed with everything? did you get the shot you needed to at Student Health? did you remember to get supplies for that art project due in 2 days?), as well as taking care of laundry, travel, keeping her diet straight, negotiating the rocky shoals of social life without Mom’s wise words (haha) and Dad’s adoring gaze, sleeping on a plastic mattress and coming home to find the room just as messy as it was when she left it that morning, living in one of the U.S.'s coldest and snowiest or rainiest places, not often being able to sleep uninterrupted in peace and quiet and or take a long hot shower whenever she felt like it, having her life an open book to so many people, being a smaller academic and athletic fish in a bigger pond - all these things were intellectually considered prior to going off (because I told her all this), but not truly and deeply understood. And they all occurred simultaneously and concurrently. </p>

<p>It is a big adjustment! There are many rewards, but it is not an easy transition for everyone and not possible for some at this tender age when kids are leaving home. it is not only academic strengths or athletic talents that the schools are looking for - it is the character and flexibility to take on all of this. I personally would not have been able to do it at age 14. I could have handled the academics, but the rest of the stuff - I still needed my mom and dad to help.</p>

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<p>excellent post – and you are correct, you can tell your child all about these issues but until they face them, they don’t truly have an understanding.</p>

<p>My son has made a few comments over the past couple of months regarding issues at school – “at least next year I won’t be in class with XYZ”, or “I can’t wait until next year because I hated getting teased about XX”.</p>

<p>I always take the time to let him know that, while XYZ won’t be in his class at boarding school, he will have some other kid that he clashes with at BS. And teasing goes on at BS too – just because they are at BS, kids are still kids.</p>

<p>I just want to make sure he understands that there will be some bumps in the road, some thinking that he made the wrong decision, that the grass is greener on the otherside, etc. I have found that if my kids know what to expect as far as feelings, disappointments, etc – they can handle them a bit better. it doesn’t prevent them – but they can make it through.</p>

<p>My older son attended a one semester boarding school program last spring – his first long term residential experience away from home (he had done 8 weeks away before, but not 16 weeks). He had a tough time at first, just all the same general issues Momtoanundecided mentioned. He wrote a journal when he was away, and at the beginning it was full of regrets, misgivings and how unhappy he was. At the end – he wouldn’t have traded the experience for anything in the world.</p>

<p>This past fall he left for an international boarding school – far enough away that we won’t see him again until June. On top of the regular issues BS student in the US have, his school is all international and is not a US school – so he has to get used to a different method of education and over 60 different cultures. As we expected, at the beginning he had a tough time – didn’t feel like he fit in, thought he made the wrong decision, etc. We sent him his journal from the previous program and it made a difference – his feeling were similiar, but he could see that in the end it all worked out for the best.</p>

<p>Keep in mind that BS will be tough and you won’t always enjoy what you are going through, but if you make the right decision in picking out the school you can get through the tough times and it will be worth while.</p>