@SlackerMomMD, @ucbalumnus: I do think that sending monthly support to your adult children who hold a job (besides true emergencies) is enabling and will not do them a favor at all. A lot of teachers have additional part-time jobs or tutor for extra income … Once you are in your 40s or 50s, it would be very late to learn to live within your means. Now, in our case I think it is a combination of factors: guilt over early divorce, cultural expectations (middle class parents in my husband’s and his ex-wife’s country buy their children a starter apartment when they get married), and simply going the easier route of not saying “no.” It is me, the vile stepmom, who had to lay out a final date in the near future due to retirement and upcoming college costs for our daughter.
But this is really besides the point. I just brought it up because financial support for older adult children makes the perceived underachievement so much harder on the parents. Maybe not harder but more present … I think the lack of advanced degrees from good universities would irk the parents less, if the sons would a) put in the effort they are capable of and b) be financially independent after college.
I truly hope to be able to convey to my daughter that while it is great to get into a highly selective college, a state university could be a great choice, too. More importantly, I hope to show her how satisfying it is to be able to pay one’s own bills and to learn to budget and stay within your means. I remember when I got my first real paycheck in 1989 and went ahead and paid rent and utilities for the first time.
Several posters brought up the topic of happiness in our children and I do agree. There has to be a healthy balance between work and play. While reading some of these posts, it made me think of a recent NYT article:
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/04/12/opinion/sunday/frank-bruni-best-brightest-and-saddest.html
How sad is that … I would rather have my kid and even my stepsons on the couch forever …