Read and grade my argument essay from 2013 prompt?

<p>So we took a mock test for AP English Language and I got a 6 on synthesis, 7 on rhetorical, and a 2 on my argument essay…which really bothers me because even if I may not have argued both positions very well, I should get a 4…so I was hoping I would get a second opinion.</p>

<p>There are obviously many definitions of ownership and how it pertains to the development of identity. From a more modern viewpoint, ownership without work is detrimental to a person’s sense of self while ownership with work invested to gain such ownership, even of intangible things, will mold together to create a positive sense of self.</p>

<p>Developmental psychologist Eric Erikson once proposed that all human beings will encounter different sets of issues throughout life. Young children go through a stage of competence versus inferiority in which they may derive pleasure from applying themselves, or they will feel inferior. Of course, once these children feel inferior, they will often not apply themselves (“Why bother? I’m going to fail anyway.”) and have trouble developing a positive identity during their adolescent years. The government is not facilitating this kind of inferior attitude in adults as well as in their families with the welfare program. These adults do not have jobs, but they still have their necessities because the government hands them to them through Medicaid created by President Lyndon B. Johnson. President Obama even proposed covering the health insurance of the unemployed; all this with taxpayer dollars. Putting Americans on welfare has simply created a permanent welfare class, with generation after generation of these families living off of the government because they know nothing else. They have no motivation to work to get their material gain.</p>

<p>On the other side of the spectrum is Andrew Carnegie who grew up in a poverty-stricken family in Ireland. This poverty motivated him to leave his family and travel to America where he started his extremely successful steel business. By working hard to own money and the skills of business, Carnegie was ultimately rewarded. Of course, having money does corrupt the individual to some extent as it did to Vanderbilt and Rockefeller (This corruption ultimately led to the demise of Standard Oil) by using backhand methods to gain even more profit, but overall, working towards ownership has positive results.</p>

<p>A prime examples of this would be the formation of America itself. Under the careful British eye after the French and Indian War, Americans felt oppressed and believed that since they have established the successful colonies on this land, they deserve to be the ones controlling, therefore owning, this land. Thus the American Revolution broke out, and British rule was abolished. The task at hand now involved creating a suitable national government, and after some bumps in the road, such as Shay’s Rebellion, the Founders were able to draft the Constitution, which is still the basis of American law today. This document established the reputation of this country, and American can now own a spot as one of the most powerful countries in the world, that it has the skills necessary to be a world power. </p>

<p>That the question of ownership has been debated throughout history by great thinkers such as Plato, Aristotle, and Jean-Paul Sartre, the best definition is a merge of all of their ideas. Owning things can lead to greed bu the work it requires to gain ownership of tangible and intangible items is what ultimately develops a positive sense of self.</p>

<p>I will admit, I added a few words here and there but this is 99.9% similar to what I originally wrote. I can sort of see how I might be seen as off topic but I’ve read some 3 essays and getting a 2 really shocked me.</p>

<p>rubric: <a href=“http://media.collegeboard.com/digitalServices/pdf/ap/apcentral/ap13_english_language_scoring_guidelines.pdf”>http://media.collegeboard.com/digitalServices/pdf/ap/apcentral/ap13_english_language_scoring_guidelines.pdf&lt;/a&gt; (question 3)</p>

<p>prompts: <a href=“http://media.collegeboard.com/digitalServices/pdf/ap/apcentral/ap13_frq_english_language.pdf”>http://media.collegeboard.com/digitalServices/pdf/ap/apcentral/ap13_frq_english_language.pdf&lt;/a&gt; (question 3)</p>

<p>If anyone answers, I will be forever grateful. :)</p>

<p>bump? (is this how forums work?) :P</p>

<p>The first paragraph is already terrible, with regard to both coherence and grammar, and I only skimmed it. There’s a rubric and a prompt. I’m sure you can discern what’s wrong with your essay.
Edit: Who graded this?</p>

<p>I was taught never argue both sides in a argument essay.</p>

<p>Yeah…I agree with you Jwen556…After reading the beginning part over again I have no idea what I was thinking but still…a 2 I thought and still think was/is a bit harsh (even after reading through the rubric). It was an AP English teacher who graded argument essays. Not exactly sure which school he teaches at but he did come and talk about grading the essays though I didn’t get to specifically ask him about mine. He said to always consider both sides but make sure your side comes out as the best… :/</p>

<p>@kli586 - I received a 2 on my argument essay the first time I took a mock exam for AP English - and I’m by no means a terrible writer. A lot of the writing in AP English is largely formulaic - there are a few argument formats of which you can fashion your essay; I wish I knew the exact names but most AP English blogs run by teachers will give you examples of argument essay formats that work well for the exam. </p>

<p>NEVER Argue both sides, too hard. It generally becomes more like stating the facts than an argument piece. Plus your at a disadvantage in time.</p>

<p>Consider the other side, don’t argue for it. That means acknowledging the opposing assessment and justifying why your reasoning is superior/correct; not supporting and arguing both sides.</p>

<p>I agree with other posters that when you try to argue both sides it sounds too neutral and more like a history lesson instead of a persuasive essay. I remember this prompt when I took the exam last year(got a 5), but unfortunately I forgot exactly what I wrote about I just remember referencing some literary work(which I forgot) and talking about slavery because thats what came to mind when I thought of ownership without working. And I remember another one of my friends talked about communism and capitalism which also relates to ownership and property which I thought was cool. Just try not to make it too complicated, they just want to see if you know how to make an argument, defend and support it. Of course you should mention a counterargument but like the poster above me said, quickly explain why that counterargument isn’t right. Even if you feel like you’re the type of person who could agree with either side, just pretend that you only agree with one side in your essay. You can do it! :)</p>

<p>Thanks for all the advice! Unfortunately we don’t often get how to write an essay we just write one every week…heh…And my English teacher said that she thought the argument essay grades were a bit low too and she would give everyone 5-8…but she kind of scales things up in my opinion. Would anyone still like to give me a grade 1-9 though? haha~ So how easy would you all say to get a 5 on the actual AP exam? I got a 90% on the MC on the mock and with the other essays I think I can score a solid 4 (including this 2 grr)…So how easy is the MC usually on the exam? I’ve known people who are awesome writers but got 2 or 3 on the actual exam because the MC killed them…</p>

<p>Bump! I know I kind of went off on a tangent but “it’s a wealth of knowledge” here! Don’t want to just chip the dirt on the surface. :P</p>

<p>She is making you do all of those essays so that you will get better at them. The idea is that if you get a 1 you will self study to bring that up, or sink.</p>

<p>I believe it is called arm chair teaching.</p>

<p>The thing is I’ve never seen anyone get lower than a 4…Would anyone still like to give a grade to my essay though? Horrible intro and all?</p>

<p>@KLI586
You’re wordiness makes your explanations/ argument extremely vague. From reading the intro I have no clue and no idea what your thesis is regardless of how many times I read your intro. Overall, your arguments are strong but without a thesis I have no idea what you’re trying to support/argue.</p>

<p>tl;dr much support, no argument</p>