<p>Please please please read it and tell me if this would appeal to Cornell or other high ranking college admission officers! Thanks so much! I want to hear every critique! Good and bad! Especially bad!
Do not be fooled by the tumblr link. I just wanted to be able to delete it afterwards…</p>
<p>I deliberately read your essay while I was listening to music and my concentration was not 100%. The persons reading your essay will have to read essays all day long, maybe while they are eating or maybe even when they are sitting at the toilet. They simply can’t be concentrated all day, so you have to really catch them in the moment.</p>
<p>I felt like you started of good, but I lost you somewhere after the first couple sentences, because I feel like you used to difficult and abstract words and sentences. Just as in a good math theorem, the power lies in it simplicity. </p>
<p>However, I like your idea about creating an image. You want to reader to be in your mind for that couple of minutes and get into your reason of becoming what you want to become. If that is what you want to do, again, you should get into the mind of the reader too. Make it easy, accessible for him/her to get into your mind, reason and story.</p>
<p>I really liked how you ended, but I feel like you are repeating yourselves by saying:
One day, I will be the scientist performing research on the data to help preserve those species. I will make a difference. I will save the ocean.
-It was at this moment I made a commitment to myself to protect this mysterious yet welcoming ecosystem.</p>
<p>The last sentence would have way more impact and strength if it wasn’t for the other sentence.</p>
<p>Don’t take my advice as a truth, more people will have to respond here. Just take the best parts of all the different advices;) Good luck!</p>