Read my Common App Essay on journeys?

College Essays
1

<p>Hey everyone,
I’m an international student looking for someone to look through my Common App essay on a topic of journeys. It’s for the first prompt. </p>

<p>Perhaps it is a little risky, I don’t know, since it deals with a topic that most people suggest you should avoid.</p>

<p>Any input would be greatly appreciated!</p>

2

<p>Since I posted this, I’ve had one person read my essay, which was really useful! He was, however, unsure if this sentence was grammatically correct. Anyone have any ideas?</p>

<p>“Filled with dresses and swords, it was a passage to other times and worlds – a golden crown and I was Queen Elizabeth headed to war; a turban and I was an Indian merchant selling spices in Zanzibar.”</p>

3

<p>That is a little odd. Break that up into separate sentences. You don’t need the fancy semicolons. Or the hyphen.</p>

4

<p>Leave the hyphen.</p>

5

<p>So the best version would be
“Filled with dresses and swords, it was a passage to other times and worlds. A golden crown and I was Queen Elizabeth headed to war; a turban and I was an Indian merchant selling spices in Zanzibar.”?</p>

<p>Sorry if I’m a little slow, but shouldn’t the semicolon be there to create a coherent sentence? I’m an international applicant so I really wanna get this right!</p>

6

<p>Ill read your essay</p>

7

<p>I just found out that I can’t send essays unless I’ve posted 15 posts so unfortunately I can’t ask you to read it, since I don’t wanna post it… sorry. But I’d be glad if you could revise the sentence I wrote!</p>

8

<p>Bump bump!
If someone could just help me with that sentence I’d be so happy :)</p>

9

<p>“Filled with dresses and swords, [the closet?] was a passage to other times and worlds. Wearing a golden crown, I could be Queen Elizabeth headed to war. In a turban, I was an Indian merchant selling spices in Zanzibar.”</p>

<p>At least, that makes the passage clearer. I’m trying to remember if Queen Elizabeth ever went to war in person, but I don’t think it matters much. It sounds like you’re describing play-acting when you were a child.</p>

10

<p>Okay, thank you so much!</p>