Read my essay. Please?

[aristotle1990]

<p>This is the first draft of my Common App essay. If you’re going to critique it, please be brutal. In particular, comment on its length, topic, and pretentiousness:</p>

<p>

2. Consider the tone of the essay, and avoid pretentiousness. Showcase yourself without bragging. Don’t be shy, don’t hide behind formal and ornate prose…let the adcoms see <em>you</em> as a person. Write as if you were telling the story or having a conversation with a respected adult you don’t know too well. If you think your essay sounds egotistical and pompous, chances are your intended audience does, too.

</p>

<p>That’s well and good, but this is my style of writing. It’s not fake, and I don’t think I misused any words. I write well and know I do, and not in the sense of “IM MY SCHOOL NEWSPAPER EDITER LOL.” I don’t want to seem more “real” by dumbing down my writing, but I know that I come across as an arrogant ■■■■■■ bag.</p>

<p>Help?</p>

<p>

I had seen the face before. The particular perching of the eyebrows, the slight elevation of the corners of the mouth, and the certain gleam in his eye were unmistakable. It bespoke malice yet affability, brutality yet cunning, arrogance yet stupidity. I was fully cognizant of its implications, even before he silently mouthed to his friends “watch this.”
I’m short, very much so. Nationally, I’m in the 10th percentile for my age; when ethnicity is controlled for, I fall somewhere around the 5th percentile. (I’m white, and in a school whose student body is largely white, the problem is exacerbated.) People, due partly to my height and partly to my physical immaturity, real or perceived, tend to underestimate my age; consequently, I’m perceived as younger, more immature, and less intelligent than I actually am. Coupled with my natural lack of proclivity for athletics and the fact that I’ve always been a bit of a nerd, my social prospects are less than optimal, to put it delicately. Such events as these are, unfortunately, not uncommon.
We were beginning the unit on basketball, and the day was given to passing drills. The class had been split into a number of groups, each of which consisted of approximately ten students. The groups were then halved, with each half sent to opposite sides of the fairly large room. The students in each group were to pass to their counterparts on the other side; as the groups were arrayed in separate lines, once the students had done so, they were to retreat to the end of their respective lines. To my displeasure, within my group were a few older boys with a reputation for toughness, one of whom was poised to throw me the ball. He had done so not a few minutes before and, upon witnessing firsthand my athletic prowess (the ball, at full speed, glanced off my hands and flew well behind me), simply couldn’t wait to do so again, this time in view of his eager friends. The ball, to which he imparted his full force, was on course to soar perhaps half a foot over my head. I feebly lifted my arms and attempted to stop the ball (this while the object of the lesson was to catch it), thus preventing catastrophic embarrassment, but I worsened the situation; the ball’s force pushed me backwards as it continued to move. Enjoying a chuckle at my expense, the boy who threw the ball sauntered to the back of the line.
Perhaps I’ve made too much of what should have otherwise been a trivial incident. Regardless, that smirk will always remain etched in my mind. More than anything, then, it is what set the character of the incident, a character which has colored many happenings before and many since. It’s the frequent and vigorous interrogation of my age, the adamant refusal of some to acknowledge that I might not like following sports (*<em>gasp!</em>*), and the tacit dismissal of my response to a question in class as nerdy while an equally good response from an athletic, outspoken peer goes vocally praised by many that I can't stand. Even among the academically inclined, there’s no one in my school with whom I can readily discuss topics that interest me, like politics or philology. Those who are interested in these things are usually athletically inclined as well, and are of a different social standing entirely. Additionally, the high school environment doesn’t exactly provide the most conducive atmosphere to reasonable discussions of President George W. Bush’s foreign policy*. It’s a shame, and though I sometimes wonder if it’d be better to simply fake interest in how many home runs were hit in the game last night, I ultimately come to the realization that I love what I like and who I am, and wouldn’t change it for the world.</p>

<p>*Then again, I suppose that’s what college is for!

</p>

[jenkster]

<p>I don’t think you should post your essays out in the open like this.</p>

<p>That being said, I’m glad I don’t have to reply to that prompt.</p>

<p>If that’s your writing style, then that’s your writing style. But when I read it, I felt as if I were reading an AP English Lang passage. Now, that’s good in that your language was sophisticated and contrasted nicely with your discussion of immaturity. However, a simpler prose might help the adcoms get to know you more.</p>

<p>But, I’m in the process of writing an essay myself and know how hard it is to write “simple,” so best of luck to you, and this is just my opinion.</p>

[aristotle1990]

<p>

I don’t think you should post your essays out in the open like this.

</p>

<p>****, you’re probably right. Admins, can you remove the essay and replace it with “PM me to read my essay?”</p>

[merisuh]

<p>I think it was generally a pretty good essay. Regardless of the fact that you truly do write like this, you don’t want admissions to be under the suspicion that you wrote it with a thesaurus in the other hand. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to “dumb down” your writing. You can always replace “cognizant” with “aware” and still maintain the tone of the essay.</p>

<p>To sum it up, it wouldn’t hurt to simplify your essay a little more. I’m not sure how admissions would react to you coming off as a “bitter nerd” in the corner of the room criticizing the jocks, but that’s just my opinion.</p>

<p>I think, from reading it, part of your essay is that you can’t communicate with the kids in your high school because you’re more mature than they are. What I’d really like to see is how being short has pulled you up when you’re down. The beginning paragraphs were great; they really heightened the tension and made me wonder what you were going to do next since you seemed to be “at odds” with your height. In the end I just noticed that you seemed reclusive until the last sentence. You might want to expand on that a little more, because in the end it mostly just leaves me hanging, like, oh well, I guess she’ll be happier in college since she hates high schoolers.</p>

<p>Man, that’s as brutal as it’s gonna get I guess, huh?</p>