Read my practice essay

College Essays
1

<p>So I am a Junior but my English teacher is having her classes write a practice college essay. The prompt was something along the lines of how does your community/world shape you as an individual. I am really not that confident in this essay, but I would like some tips on how to improve my writing and make it more inclined to applications. This is a really rough first draft, but any advice will be appreciated!</p>

<p>Here it is…
I have grown up in the “Cowboy Capital of the World.” This self-proclaimed title can be seen on rusty street signs and heard uttered by the citizens of my small town – *<strong><em>. Throughout the course of my life many have seen this title as a proud declaration, while others have seen it as a stigma that is hard to overcome. Everyday I hear fellow students talk in disdain towards their community, and I would be lying if I said that I had never spoken a negative comment about this “cowboy town.” However, in the past three years of my life – my high school years – I have come to realize that this town, my town, is one that epitomizes giving. </em></strong><em>, as a community, has imbued in me the obligation and responsibility of caring.
At the end of my sophomore year at </em> I started to volunteer at *<strong><em>. Every Friday night, from four to six, I walk through the doors and immediately step into the past. The faces I see and the stories I hear are tokens of past generations. When dinner is served new sights are relevant – a son eating with his mother, small kids talking with their grandma, or simply a friend talking to a friend. These are the images I see every time I volunteer and these are the images that make me proud of my town and community. Often times citizens such as these can be overlooked, simply a generation forgotten, but not in </em></strong><em>. This care and concern are qualities that I try to adopt for myself. As I step outside of the bounds of my hometown, I am faced with new opportunities and hardships; however, a caring persona is something that I will never lose. It is something that has been truly instilled in me by my community.
As a member of Service Club I am often at local fundraisers and events. One thing has become apparent to me in the past three years of high school, this town of “cowboys” goes out of its way to make the community a better place. On the night before Thanksgiving, if one were to look inside the community center one would see piles of donated food, entire families peeling potatoes, the kitchen bustling, and all the while people walk about with smiles on their faces. Despite the long day’s work and time away from their own families, citizens of </em> come out in full force to help those less fortunate. This is a representation of the integrity of my community; one that cares, gives, and places the needs of others as its first priority. I will leave ***** with these traits and as a better person.
I started high school with the same mentality that many of my peers still have – that this town is simply full of “cowboys.” I will leave this school with a much different point of view. I see now a town of caring people, of hardworking people, and of proud people. Even though this town is the “Cowboy Capital of the World” it is much more, and it has taught me the essence of good nature.</p>

2

<p>I think you got a good basic idea. I love the beginning about the Cowboy Capital and the small town. I don’t know where you’re applying (and I don’t need to know!), but if you’re applying to big-name schools, playing up the small town stuff might really help you. I want to hear more about this town. I mean, what’s so Cowboy about it? Expand on that. The last para starts getting into that…but, you need to explain what’s so special about the character of your town. Some specifics. </p>

<p>Then, start with your volunteering story. I thought it was good. The part about the images was cute. But, it’s a bit cliche. By getting into the character of the town, you get maybe touch on your history in the town so these images of past generations is a bit more concrete. </p>

<p>In terms of explaining about Service club and the volunteering, you need to add something personal. It’s a tad dry and it’s…a given what they do. </p>

<p>Overall: I’m thinking you should change the focus of this essay from the Service Clubs to your town…and yourself. I think you’ll fair much better. Just realize, it’s about how your community/world has shaped you. Not how these clubs have. Focus on your community. It’s something that might really be a selling point for you if you can make this essay individualistic and personal.</p>

<p>You’re off to a great (and early!) start. Trust me, that’s a very good thing.</p>

<p>If you want more feedback, just PM me. =] I hope I helped.</p>

3

<p>i thinks its bad that you wrote fellow(doesnt seem like youd say that in a convo) and how you said </p>

<p>“and I would be lying if I said that I had never spoken a negative comment about this…” i would be lying? wth? why would you even say that?</p>

4

<p>Thanks for the advice! I definitely will make some revisions, I really like the idea for shifting the focus to the community and not necessarily my club involvement.</p>

<p>I know I use “fellow,” atleast in this context, in conversation. My idea with stating “and I would be lying if I said that I had never spoken a negative comment about this…” was to bring a more honest and perhaps humble quality to the essay…should I leave this out?</p>

<p>Thanks again!</p>

5

<p>Sell yourself. Leave out all negatives! Although I’m not exactly qualified to give advice…</p>

6

<p>I think it could use more tangibles as well. The town seems interesting, but I can’t really get a clear picture of it. Although vivid images do pop up every so often, it just seems a bit abstract. But overall, nice job! =)</p>

7

<p>Your essay is good, but it could be better if you described the setting of your town with the five senses… so instead of saying this town is giving and caring … you need to show it with a concrete example using one of the 5 senses.</p>