Read my schlarship essay

College Essays
1

<p>Allow me to introduce myself, my name is ***** ****. I’m the only son of an unemployed, immigrant father, who never attended any school, and a factory-working, immigrant mother, who also never attended college. I live in a “ghetto”, gang-ridden, urban city (Elizabeth, NJ) and attend one of the worst schools in the state (John E Dwyer Technology Academy). Despite being an honor student, I severely need money, for my parents are incapable of paying for my college tuition.</p>

<p>My parents immigrated to the United States in the 1970’s from the Dominican Republic, in search of the American Dream. </p>

<p>My father was one of ten children. Like his other brothers and sisters, my father received no schooling. From early childhood till he emigrated to the U.S., my father and his siblings were forced to work on a nearby farm for long hours and long nights, just to make ends meet. He was born and raised poor, and didn’t see money he could spend until several years after he left his country. In the U.S., my father has worked in many low-playing jobs, from warehouse worker to janitor to delivery man. My father is currently unemployed.</p>

<p>My mother was raised in similar circumstances as my father. My mother was one of eighteen children. Her family was so poor that they didn’t even have floor tiles. The floor of her house was just dirt and mud. Unlike my father, my mother received some schooling. She managed to get up to the eighth grade in her country, and 30 years later, after emigrating to the U.S., she received her GED. She never attended college. Unlike my father, who gets a new job each year, my mother has maintained a low-paying job as a factory worker for more than 20 years. Despite her great loyalty to her company, she makes almost the same pay a new employee would get.</p>

<p>As you can see, it is impossible for my parents to help me pay for college. I really want to go to Arizona State University, and become the first member of my family to attend college. Unfortunately the way things are I doubt I’ll be able to afford the out-of-state tuition I’ll need to pay. Please help me out by awarding a scholarship. Thank you.</p>

<p>How can I improve it?</p>

2

<p>bump bump bump</p>

3

<p>What was the question? What are you supposed to write about?</p>

4

<p>

[quote]
What was the question? What are you supposed to write about?/quote]</p>

<p>“Why do you deserve to win this scholarship?”, in 250 words or less.</p>

5

<p>I will Pm you.</p>

6

<p>To improve it, edit the parts about your parents to make them shorter - you can do that without losing much content. Try to say more in one sentence instead of writing two, etc. By doing this, you can say more about yourself, which is largely lacking in what you have written so far. Have you made any personal efforts to earn money for college? Why do you want to go to college? What do you want to become? Why specifically Arizona State, why not a cheaper in-state college? And so on. In addition, there were some grammatical issues, and you can’t have a “paragraph” that is one sentence long. Delete it or connect it to an other paragraph.</p>