Read My Supplement Essay Please!

<p>I have decided to apply to the university of Michigan, even though it is extremely close to the deadline. I find this school matches me pretty well. the question is as follows: "Describe the unique qualities that attract you to the specific undergraduate College or School (including preferred admission and dual degree programs) to which you are applying at the University of Michigan. How would that curriculum support your interests? (500 words maximum)" My response is as follows: </p>

<p>"University of Michigan</p>

<pre><code>I remember during the 8th grade, sadly my great grandfather passed away. But as they say, as one door closes, another door opens. And surly it did. For the first and only time, I met my second cousin Tim. Only for a short period, but a period I wont ever forget. Tim was a man of great accomplishments. He embarked through every continent of the world. He climbed Mt. Everest, traveled the Silk Road, and many adventures that people could only dream about. And before he left the funeral home, he told me something that I will carry with me no matter where I end up in life. “Remember this Anthony, while everyone is shooting for the moon, shoot for the stars. That is how you change the world.” And from that point on I've always had a desire to achieve something that would change the world for the better. And there is no better place to help me then the University of Michigan College of Literature, Science and the Arts.

The University of Michigan has graduated notable alumni that have changed the world in so many ways. The founder of Google, The father of the iPod, The 38th President of the United States, and even the first man to walk in space graduated from The University of Michigan. I know the College of Literature, Science and the Arts will better my future goals because it will allow me to focus on Computer Science as well as focus on many Entrepreneurial ventures. As a young adult, I strive off the idea that I have been introduced to two fields which correlate together greatly. I have opened my eyes to the world of Entrepreneurship as well as Computer Science by teaching myself both fields. And by applying to LSA I can continue to expand my knowledge beyond my field of study and take what I have learned and apply that to my main goal of changing the world for the better."
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<p>Critique it the best you can! Also, Do you think I should write more? Thank You! :)</p>

<p>Someone reply please! I only have 1 more day!</p>

<p>It Looks good :) Maybe you can write sth more specific about the CS program in Umich.</p>

<p>Pretty weak.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Most important - the question asks you to address any unique aspects of the specific program/school you're interested in. Your essay does not mention either; to be frank, including cliches like "Remember this Anthony, while everyone is shooting for the moon, shoot for the stars. That is how you change the world" seems generic and doesn't actually support your arguments at all. You would do well to mention something specific. WHY can the University help you achieve your goals? Is it because of the great professors who go out of their way to provide students with unique learning opportunities (which you would have to explain)? Why do you think that your degree from UM will help you change the world - do you want to use it to develop some specific computer program, to help you move onto grad school, or what? The reason they ask this question is because they want to see their applicants are actually invested in the school and have done some research, and yours doesn't show that. Find out as much as you can about the CS program, the teachers, the internships, the job opportunities, the career placement, perspectives from former students. Then you will actually have the material to compose an essay, which unfortunately you don't yet have.</p></li>
<li><p>I don't understand the whole thing about your cousin Tim and I doubt the admissions reader at UM would either. Did you meet him at the funeral? Was he close to your grandfather? Why would his perspective on the situation be meaningful to you? You need to either drop the whole thing about Tim or give some background to it - otherwise, it makes no sense and confuses the reader.</p></li>
<li><p>Grammar, punctuation, spelling, mechanics, diction:
-"And surly it did" - sentence fragment. Surely is misspelled.
-"Only for a short period, but a period I wont ever forget. Tim was a man of great accomplishments" - sentence fragment.
-"He embarked through every continent of the world." You can't use 'embarked' here, because it's a transitive verb. What you'd need to say is "he embarked upon journeys that took him to every continent" or something like that.
-"I know the College of Literature, Science and the Arts will better my future goals because it will allow me to focus on Computer Science as well as focus on many Entrepreneurial ventures." Come on, think about this. You don't "better" a goal, do you? That doesn't make any sense. You work toward a goal, or you better yourself, or you try to set better goals - any of those makes sense - but you simply can't "better [your] goals". That sentence is meaningless.
-"As a young adult, I strive off the idea that I have been introduced to two fields which correlate together greatly." Also a problem - you don't "strive off" of something. Idiomatically, you strive FOR or TOWARDS something. I think you don't quite understand what the word strive means, because its use here is incorrect and doesn't make sense. Also, things don't "correlate together greatly"; that part is simply illogical. Either things correlate, or they don't. What you mean, I think, is that you are drawn to the idea that two fields can be used together, but altogether, I would throw this sentence out - there are waaay too many problems with it and it's not worth fixing.</p></li>
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<p>Either way I think you've got quite a lot of work to do on this essay, especially since you've left it until one day before the application deadline. You might want to think about overhauling it and just writing a new essay. Good luck.</p>

<p>Terrible. No specifics about why Michigan, it's very choppy, and it seems as if it took you 15 minutes to write. Step back and really assess WHY do you want to go to Michigan. From your last paragraph, it sounds as if you could go to any college really because entreprenuership and CS isn't unique to UM, and you don't say why you want to study it. </p>

<p>Rewrite it or you'll just be wasting money on the application fee.</p>