Read, please... I probably have no clue what I'm doing

<p>As seen by the title of the thread, this is my first college essay, and I have no idea what I'm doing. So, you know, take that into account.</p>

<p>I chose the common app question #1: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.</p>

<p>I think my essay falls under "experience."</p>

<p>Wiping the sweat off my brow, I stepped out of the car, my nerves tingling </p>

<p>with anticipation. “This is it,” I said to myself. I was nervous, of course, but </p>

<p>I knew that I had trained long and hard to get here, and I deserved it. All of </p>

<p>those hours slaving away on the sweaty blue mats were finally culminating </p>

<p>into what would soon be a single moment of glory; I was about to become a </p>

<p>black belt.</p>

<pre><code>I had begun karate lessons at the age of seven, and I had enjoyed
</code></pre>

<p>the grace and elegance of the sport from the beginning. A combination of </p>

<p>floridity and force, each punch and kick from the higher belts made me yearn </p>

<p>for the next level. I often daydreamed about the day when I could </p>

<p>roundhouse above my head and smash the punching bags backwards into the </p>

<p>wall. As I went from yellow belt to green belt, and then from green belt to </p>

<p>purple belt, I saw my dream becoming a reality.</p>

<pre><code>In the middle of each of our everyday lessons, the instructor would
</code></pre>

<p>sit down with us and tell us stories and repeat proverbs in order to attempt </p>

<p>to instill a sense of righteousness, honor and morality into us. I often would </p>

<p>only half-hear the advice because I was so eager to get back onto the mats, </p>

<p>but as the years progressed, I developed a deep sense of what was right, </p>

<p>and often felt great waves of guilt when I told even the smallest lies. </p>

<pre><code>Feeling all of my past experiences pushing me forward into the
</code></pre>

<p>building, I stepped in and walked slowly over to where the rest of the soon to </p>

<p>be black belts stood. We all sat down and the ceremony began. The head </p>

<p>of the school, a sixth-degree black belt, stood up and began to call out </p>

<p>names. I sat in a state of absolute suspense, waiting for him to entice me </p>

<p>forward. When I heard “William Censored,” my heart came close to </p>

<p>stopping. Stumbling forward with a half-grin on my face amidst heavy </p>

<p>clapping from the audience, I gazed at my instructor’s face as he tied the </p>

<p>belt around my waist. I was finally a black belt. The realization of the </p>

<p>enormity of the situation suddenly struck me as I sat back down among the </p>

<p>other ecstatic students. I could now instruct; I was no longer purely a </p>

<p>student.</p>

<pre><code>I have carried on this role of being an instructor into other facets of
</code></pre>

<p>my life; I tutor students in writing as well as help others in mathematics and </p>

<p>chemistry. It is why I chose to work on a multivariable calculus project with </p>

<p>my father, despite the difficulty of the material. And, it is the reason why I </p>

<p>constantly strive to be a better person; I owe Karate a great deal.</p>

<p>P.S. Sorry about the weird format, I just copy pasted it and decided to make it a bit more readable by making it sort of double spaced.</p>

<p>I like it all except the last paragraph. Cardinal rule of essay writing: Don't give new information in your conclusion. In this case it smacks of "And here's a few other things I want you to know about me." You can probably work in some of those details elsewhere, though, if necessary. </p>

<p>And I think the last sentence is too obviously self-serving. This is a case where "show me, don't tell me" would work better. And again, work the details into the body of the essay.</p>

<p>Thanks a bunch binx. :]</p>

<p>Anyone else got any suggestions? Opinions? Criticism? :]</p>

<p>Weird, I couldn't edit my first post. </p>

<p>Anyway, here's my new conclusion:</p>

<p>The ceremony wrapped up and everyone else quietly chattered as they </p>

<p>walked towards the exit. Receiving a hug from my mom and a look of </p>

<p>approval from my dad, we promptly walked into the night air. I can’t </p>

<p>remember if it was cold; my accomplishment surged the heat of pride </p>

<p>throughout my body.</p>

<p>Get rid of some cliches (such as dream becoming a reality), and it will be a pretty good essay.</p>

<p>much better revision on the last paragraph... pretty good essay</p>

<p>Sorry for bumping, but I would just like to get a few more opinions on the essay and maybe some more critique; I've taken into consideration all of the suggestions above, and I think they're really helpful. =`></p>