<p>Do you think it’s kosher to read your 17/18 year old’s text messages without their knowledge to know what’s going on in their lives?</p>
<p>Kosher? Of course not. Forthright? Highest moral standards? Give me a break . . . . !</p>
<p>Previous threads have given me the impression that at least half of the parents here, maybe more, have spied on their highschoolers in some way without the children’s consent or knowledge. I have. I’m not certain it was “right”, but given all the circumstances at the time I thought it was a good idea.</p>
<p>Do you think it’s kosher? </p>
<p>In a perfect world …not a chance. But this one is not perfect, is it? With the right motivating factors I’d perform un-announced and and un-consented to exploratory surgery.
Without any reason? Naah. I’d leave it alone. Let them have their privacy.</p>
<p>We are parents. We do what we have to do. Hopefully while exercising our best judgment and discretion.</p>
<p>Because probably parents of minors are the ones who have to deal with consequences of any potentially irresponsible and risky behavior, it seems legitimate to me to snoop out of concern but not out of mere curiosity. And because sometimes young people seem to have it all together when they don’t, it doesn’t seem inappropriate to me to do a cursory search every six weeks or so. I think most of us have a pretty good sense of when character and maturity have reached a level this is no longer necessary. And personally I was always much happier oblivious to most of the nitty-gritty details of my kids’ personal lives. ;)</p>
<p>Is it wrong? Probably unless you have a real concern of them being at risk. Have I done it? Yup. Am I proud of that? Nope. Do I feel really guilty about it? Nope to that too. </p>
<p>Here’s the thing–I have a son. With all due respect to the horror of gender stereotyping–boys are notoriously uncommunicative. While it would be huge stretch to say I had concerns about drinking or drugs–he’s not into that and I know that–I did occasionally just have such intense curiosity about his emotional life.</p>
<p>So, setting aside the ethical issues, the real problem with this sort of spying is that if you read something that raises a concern, they what can you do with it? You’re stuck. If it’s ambiguous at all, you’ll be left wondering if you should be worried or not. It’s also easy to misinterpret things in that context, so you could get yourself worked up over nothing.</p>
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<p>I’ve done it. I found something of concern, told my son I’d looked at his texts and asked him about it. Turned out a friend of his was in crisis and the kids were trying to handle it on their own. </p>
<p>I knew something was up but didn’t know what questions to ask. His friend is doing a lot better. I’m glad I did and I’d do it again.</p>
<p>I have never looked at either 17 year old or 20 year olds text messages and would not UNLESS I was concerned about their behavior/safety. Thank goodness they have never given me cause for such concern so I don’t snoop. I don’t look at their texts, their call logs, their email, their facebook, their my space.<br>
I would assume that if I wrote a private note to my DH they wouldn’t snoop on me.</p>
<p>I have never looked at any of my kid’s electronic communications. The closest I have come to that is reading stuff other kids wrote in S1’s h.s yearbook. Since they are both away in college now, I really don’t have the opportunity. </p>
<p>I have a friend whose kids are 15 and 17. She reads their texts and emails all the time.</p>
<p>It’s kind of interesting that most parents here say they wouldn’t have a problem with reading emails/texts but on another thread (parents forum) about college info. and privacy, most parents felt it wrong to use kids’s passwords to check on grades which most said were up to the kids and none of the parents’ business. Since I am paying for college I think it is my business. I’m way more interested in that the their social texting.</p>
<p>I have spied, snooped, invaded privacy, stooped low etc. I won’t try to justify it, but I definitely had cause to do so in many of the instances. I can look back and remember the reactions of some of the parents I confided in after learning about some frightening behaviors involving their kids. The parents were outraged (at me) and in total denial. One of the kids has done a few stints in jail and another never got his high school degree.</p>
<p>It really depends on the situation. I’d say if a parent strongly feels that there might be something going on that might endanger their child’s health/safety or harm someone, then light snooping is justified. Luckily, I did not have to do it. In fact, DD let H use her old phone when his unexpectedly died (she had to get a phone with a carrier which had reception on her campus), and she made no attempts to clean up the phone memory. When H put his sim card in her phone, he took a look at her texts and was dismayed that we were paying $5/month for her privilage to be able to send unlimited amount of “LOL”, “Yo!” “Sup?” and other meaningless messages. Without further reading, H erased them all.</p>
<p>When we gave our kids a cell phone, it was with the understanding that within our family, there is no privacy. When they use our computer, there is no privacy. At college, if Mom and Dad don’t have access to your school email/grades, then you can pay the bill. A car - if we are paying for any part of it, I’m going to check it once in awhile. From the get-go, this has been said over and over - you get privacy when you are paying your own way. </p>
<p>Now, how often have I checked the phones in 6 years? Twice, both times after a friend of Son2 committed suicide. The car - about 5 times (after I found beer…) Son1 in college right now, asked me to check his email everyday to remind him of important stuff his first year (that got old real fast-nice move kid!haha). Now he’s in his 2nd year, and I think I looked twice last semester, and only once this semester (and that was at his request to help him figure out a scheduling issue). I don’t “look” unless given reason or asked. </p>
<p>Kids are kids - it’s our job to do all we can to get them through their “invincible” years alive. If that means snooping, then so be it.</p>
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<p>Guess he figured if you had access to it and were gonna look at it anyway, might as well get something out of it No point in both of you checking it everyday ;)</p>
<p>Zimmer, it looks like your son was gearing up to become a CEO :D</p>
<p>jeananotgina, you sound like one of those crazy/controlling moms! Your kid is 18, a legal adult, who will be going off to college in a year. What do you plan on doing when you can’t access his phone at college? Obviously you shouldn’t break your kid’s trust.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t under normal circumstances. Under extreme duress–if my kid starting acting entirely unlike herself, was suddenly engaging in dangerous behavior, sinking into depression for no reason I could discover, becoming violent, harming herself, etc.–then I might stoop that low if I couldn’t discover the source of the problem by ordinary means. </p>
<p>Unless I’m in fear for her life or mental health, though, her texts are none of my business.</p>
<p>Agree with SW–not a good time to break trust with your kid and time to wean yourself away from trying to know all about what is going on in your kid’s life.</p>
<p>I am a fan of Jack Bauer and 24, though. If national security depended on it, I’d read my kid’s text messages. Nothing is sacred to Jack. If her personal safety or health were involved, I definitely would look. Just to see what’s going on in her life because I am curious? Nah! </p>
<p>Of course, I’m not above asking her leading questions about her life–“I heard on the TV that girls send naked photos of themselves to boys by way of their cell phones. Do you do that?” She usually says something like, “EWWW! Of course not!!”</p>
<p>It has been years since I have done any real snooping, but I have to say that cell phone bills provide an excellent map of my childrens’ friendship circles, and have been useful in letting me know when someone new is on the scene. (I don’t analyze them systematically, but I did discover that my son had a new girlfriend while trying to resolve a billing dispute.)</p>
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Of course, for many people that phrase could be translated “Unless he or she is 14-17 . . .” I wouldn’t go that far.</p>
<p>Absolutely not, unless I had reason to be concerned. As a general rule, invasion of privacy is a great way to ruin the relationship with your child.</p>
<p>Actually, I rethought my answer. You should DEFINITELY read through your kid’s texts and get all the gossip and rumors that are circulating then you can post them on CC for everyone to read! It will be great, like a reality show but better.</p>
<p>I don’t even know how to access text messages. :(</p>
<p>And if I did, I would probably misinterpret them, as I have done with other information about my kids.</p>
<p>When my son was a freshman in college, we used to get bills for our family’s cell phone plan that listed every number that each person in our family had called from our cell phones during the month. The listing for his cell phone included dozens of calls to a number in the Baltimore area code. Out of sheer curiosity, I asked my son why he was constantly calling Baltimore. It turned out that he wasn’t calling Baltimore at all; he was calling the cell phone number of his roommate – who comes from Baltimore – to ask things like “Do you want to meet me for dinner at 6:00?”</p>