I guess it seems like the trauma is being overlooked. Maybe I am reading your post incorrectly but you seem to state that your child did fine/well in 9th grade despite ADHD and executive functioning issues. Then trauma, was it at school?, at start of 10th grade and now bad grades. Isn’t it the trauma causing the issues, not the ADHD?
Maybe I am just confused, you know your kid best but I feel like the problem is whatever the trauma was.
@CaliMex Agree 1,000%.
I really appreciate everyone’s thoughtful comments and advice.
We had many long discussions about taking a leave with our child, their advisor, their counselor, their dorm head, the director of student wellness - I do have to give the school a lot of credit for responding and handling things as well as I could have hoped - letting our child dictate the pace, being supportive but non-directive, doing all of the right things. I won’t get into specifics, but for those reading between the lines, it’s something the school has been historically and famously very bad at responding to appropriately. Things have changed tremendously.
My child has been clear that they do not want to take a leave, and everyone, including us as parents, agreed that taking a leave was not the best choice, for some additional complicated reasons.
In one sense, they are in a much better place today than they have been at any point in the past few months. On the other hand, the slip in grades is absolutely symptomatic of bigger issues - the trauma was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.
We’re heading to see them this weekend, and have scheduled meetings with their advisor (who is great) and another administrator who has been involved. The school doesn’t have formal study hall hours, so I’ve encouraged them to schedule check in appointments with teachers, tutors or an EF coach during that late afternoon free period. I’ve asked my husband not to mention college at all this weekend, and just focus on the things that are going well. We’re going to sit down this weekend for a big picture conversation and look at what the next 2.5 years might look like, with the idea that our child wants to do so many things, but needs to be more intentional in planning so as not to get overwhelmed.
Thank you all again - I really appreciate it.
Ime, results like that usually get a fair amount of attention inside the school. Often, all the teachers will gather with certain other administrators to figure out what interventions might help. I would start by asking if that is happening and what they think might help. You should certainly toss your ideas into that and consider whether your child’s mental health professional might have helpful input as well.
I have seen responses to this kind of situation involve dropping a class, getting tutors, getting executive functioning coaches, requiring supervised study hall, sitting out a term, etc. There really isn’t one size that fits all.
If my recollection of your child’s school is correct, there should be plenty of support available. It sounds like the coordination of that needs to be orchestrated, and I too question whether they have the most suitable advisor.
I am really sorry you are going through this. It is harder to be happier than your most unhappy child.
It’s awesome that you’re going to see your kid this weekend. I think it’s great that you are checking in with them and their advisor. I’m also sorry as well, and I can kind of understand how you feel. Best of luck!
I wrote this earlier when there were only a few responses and it didn’t post, so it is repetitive of some of the above.
It’s so tough, isn’t it?
How much of the issue do you and/or your child think is mental health related? I ask because although I think we all talk about and think about mental health, sometimes it’s easy to forget how significant mental health issues can be and how people can sometimes hide their mental health issues from others, especially if they are away from home. Counseling may only help so much, and much of counseling is finding the right fit, which can be difficult.
I have a young family member who has recently had a significant sudden worsening of mental health issues and one of my thoughts was that I don’t think my BS child would have been able to deal with that. I think my BS child would have almost certainly needed to take a leave of absence in that situation. The young family member needed to be out of school for a couple of weeks (and unable to do any work during that time - not just not in class but keeping up with the homework at home), but was able to return without any major issues, even without having done any of the work, because of the young age and the flexibility of the school.
I think that being completely sidelined for 2+ weeks from BS is almost always nearly unrecoverable. I know another child at BS who had a serious, but short term, health (not mental health) issue who had to take a leave for the rest of the year and had to repeat the year the next school year because it was impossible to recover academically from the missed time, even though it was relatively short (2-3 weeks). The school apparently didn’t think the child could even return for the next term because of the missed material during the prior term would mean the child wasn’t ready to take the next sequence of classes.
For the short-term, are there any ways to make the academic load easier? Drop a class, drop down to an easier/slower/less demanding class? I am surprised the advisor doesn’t have any concrete suggestions as I would imagine that Ds at mid-term are a sign that some type of significant action needs to be taken.
You mentioned the school is supportive but non-directive - but maybe that is part of the problem and there needs to be some more clear direction. Especially if mental health is the major issue, often someone needs to be directing because the person is incapable of directing themselves.
Good luck to you and your child.
I think it depends on the school and how much the school is willing to be flexible and work with a child/family. I know my kids’ had classmates that had to take leaves of weeks or even a month or two (mental health, physical health, discipline) and all were able to catch up.
I agree with the second part.
I would assume schools have to be able to deal with this, a good friend of my kid got a concussion playing football and was out completely for 2 weeks and then had to ease back in slowly. Everyone was working with him to make it happen seamlessly. There have been other kids with concussions, from various sports, as well as other injuries that made it hard to attend class for a while. And I imagine other things too, but sports injuries are the ones that are easy to see.
To the OP, my prayers are with you and your student. In addition to the excellent advice posted above, I would like to offer you some comfort in knowing that while this situation is unique to you & your child, it is not uncommon for students to need major adjustments during BS. The fact that you are addressing issues and facing the problem is a positive move.
Many students take a medical leave for a variety of issues (including life changes, trauma, eating disorders, sexual experiences, bullying, etc). The students we personally who have taken a medical leave have returned in a “better place” psychologically & physically than they would have been had they had either been in denial or had toughed it out at school. It is important to get the right-fit for personal care/support for healing @ the trauma. This is also an opportunity to foster greater coping skills, communication and resiliency. So, if your student does decide to take a medical leave, it should be framed as a positive step forward.
Sending you virtual hugs & support.
OP: Please reread post #14 above.
It’s the trauma.
Consider taking a leave of absence from school as your child needs to heal pschologically.
My worry is that maybe the parents focus on college is doing more harm than good to the student. Maybe the parents fear an interruption in sports participation for a 3 sport athlete will harm college prospects. Maybe the parents fear that a leave of absence from school will require an explanation that may harm the student’s college options. Maybe the student has adopted these fears thereby aggravating the situation.There are about 3,500 four year colleges & universities in the US so rest assured that your child will have plenty of options for college when appropriate.
Mental health is much more important than sports participation, graduating on time, or getting into preferred colleges.
Does the current handling of this situation seem to be working ? If not, a change of scenery may be a wise course of action.
If a minor was hurting in some other way – had a broken bone or some form of cancer – would we really let their preferences guide the best course of treatment and action? Why is mental health different?
The falling grades are a sign that the current course of treatment for trauma isn’t sufficient or that it is asking too much to heal from the trauma AND do well academically. If a leave of absence seems extreme, can they drop all but two classes and catch up through summer study?
OP- hugs to you. My mother used to say “You are only as happy as your least happy child” which we all hated- both as children and as adults, because she seemed to be pointing to one or more of her kids as being the source of her agita.
Of course it’s true, but we hated it anyway! So I totally get where you are coming from and what your mindset is. For sure, spending time with your kid, not discussing grades or college is a good next step. Just regroup and get a sense of what’s going on.
The only practical advice I have for you is to stop projecting forward. I know it’s hard- you sound like a planner, and planners gotta plan. And having a kid with a lot of potential- athletic, academic, artistic, whatever- requires a ton of planning to maximize the opportunities which come his way, to make sure there’s time and space and cash and energy to help him pursue what he wants to pursue.
But at certain times- and it strikes me that this is one of them- the planning gene sort of gets in the way of the parenting gene. The most important thing right now is your son’s health. Mental, physical, emotional/spiritual. All of it. Everything else can wait, and will still be there, and isn’t going away.
I won’t bore you with the latest mental health crisis in my extended family, because it’s too painful to describe- even on an anonymous message board, AND because you have your own $%^& to deal with. But the end of the story is that this was a problem which manifest itself in HS, got propped up and buoyed by well intended but not psychologically attuned family members and school officials, and… drum roll- this stuff doesn’t go away by itself.
If your kid had diabetes, you wouldn’t expect it to cure itself. If your kid was diagnosed with a thyroid condition, you’d be looking at every intervention to figure out the best course of action. If your kid had leukemia (god forbid for any of these btw) you wouldn’t be expecting your kid to be performing at his peak while still “fighting the good fight”.
So put on your parenting hat-- here, now, this week. Forget whatever may or may not come to pass down the road. He graduates hs on time or not? Healthy kid, that’s the goal. He continues to play his sport or not? Healthy kid, that’s the goal. College right away or not? Healthy kid, that’s the goal.
Your son is not alone, and he needs to know that you care more about HIM than about his accomplishments. If he needs to put a pin in HS- you’ll be behind him 100%. If he wants to focus more on his art than on his academics- you’ll be behind him 100%. If he’s ready for more intensive treatment- you’re behind him. And if he wants to be the kid with D’s and C’s at boarding school who has a rich life outside the classroom with his EC’s- you’re behind him.
Hugs.
Agree with your wise and eloquent words, @blossom.
“And if he wants to be the kid with D’s and C’s at boarding school who has a rich life outside the classroom with his EC’s- you’re behind him.”
One wrinkle is that one may not stay a boarding school student with Ds and Cs. That needs a clear and honest conversation with the school administration and might give further weight to consideration of a decision to hit the pause button and take a leave of absence to get things worked out.
I agree with others that it is likely that the trauma has not been dealt with adequately, but I don’t think it is necessarily the best course of action to take a leave. OP does not mention if the child has a therapist at all (school counselor does not count here IMO), I hope they do and that is the person who should weigh in on best course of action going forward. And if they don’t, they absolutely should.
Many school counselors at boarding schools are mental health professionals (even PhDs) and do and can serve properly and adequately as therapists. Unclear, though, what the case is for this student.
If the kid doesn’t want to take a leave, then he and the school administration need to figure out what is the minimal acceptable performance in order to stay.
That may or may not be realistic based on his current state of mind-- but at least everyone has put their cards on the table.
I have a friend who is a trauma therapist. She has training well beyond her PhD as a clinical psychologist. If the kid trusts his therapist and is making progress- great. And if not- there are other resources who the family can tap. A school counselor who is terrific identifying eating disorders and anxiety might not be the right choice here.
But the parents are spending unstructured time with their kid without a “now what” discussion which I think is the right way to go!