Realized I'm not straight kind of late... now what?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I’m 25, and only in the past year have I come to realize that I’m bi, not straight. Frankly, I feel too old for this–it feels like I’m way behind the curve in terms of realizing/acknowledging my orientation, and it seems like most resources on working through this are really aimed at high school and college students. Part of me is pretty much apathetic about any sort of LGBTQ+ community involvement (I’m not a very political or outspoken person about things in general) and part of me wants to get involved in the community, if just to meet other women who are interested in women. Complicating all of this is the concern that I’ll look horribly naive or even dishonest to LGBTQ+ people if I admit that I just now realized that I’m not straight and sort of have no clue about any of this.</p>

<p>Thoughts? Suggestions? Stories?</p>

<p>Thanks!</p>

2

<p>You’ve given out such great advice in the past. I hope you’ll get some now. Maybe you should get involved and just see where it takes you. Do you really feel you have to admit to anything right now? 25 is still young.</p>

3

<p>If you were a guy, then yes, 25 would be late.</p>

<p>But maybe it isn’t for a woman.</p>

<p>I wonder whether it might be valuable to discuss your situation on LGBTQ forums and see what sort of reaction you get. That might prepare you for the kind of reaction you’re likely to get when you bring it up in face-to-face conversations.</p>

4

<p>I agree that you probably don’t need to make any “announcement” or sign on a dotted line at this point - especially if you haven’t had a female partner relationship yet. You yourself are just coming to terms with this. </p>

<p>I know someone who sounds a little like you. Who was kind of taken by surprise that perhaps they had “bi” interests. They too were not interested in taking an active, participating involvement in anything really LGBTQ - didn’t need the statement, just wanted to live the relationship in their own way. But also wanted/needed at least the support of family as they pursued a new female relationship - just as they would “date” a male. </p>

<p>Remember that this choice doesn’t define you in anyway (IMO) besides your sexual preferences. Doesn’t (or shouldn’t) affect your work or who you are to others in your daily life - except the person who you seek the relationship with! </p>

<p>Wondering if there is a book out there that might offer some points of views or stories.</p>

5

<p>I have a 50-year-old [male] friend who is just coming to terms with the fact that he might be bi. There’s no right time to determine these things, you know.</p>

6

<p>“You’re too young to really know your orientation”- things that would never be said to a straight person. I don’t think that’s what post 2 or 4 were meaning, but that’s how it came off to me as a non-straight person. </p>

<p>

</p>

<p>In addition to what I’ve told you before, let me just say that I don’t think this fear is necessary. A <em>lot</em> of people do not come to terms with their sexuality until later in life. They’ve often repressed it due to social and political forces. Please don’t feel like you’re going to have to explain yourself to anyone. If you have to, they’re not worth your time. </p>

<p><em>hugs</em></p>

7

<p>I’m not sure why you need to be worried about this. But I just want to add my support for the idea that you just need to be yourself. </p>

<p>Good luck</p>

8

<p>I’m #4 and I don’t see any reference to “you’re too young to really know”…and certainly none intended - in fact I had no reference to age at all. Just wanted to set that straight. :)</p>

9

<p>Hey OP, just be patient with yourself and see where it goes. Maybe due to upbringing and culture you came to this realization later than some. I wonder, too,if women have a, how to put this, different experience of discovering our sexuality. I am straight, but have had some super close emotional relationships with other women. No sex, but a physical intimacy I don’t think men have, like snuggling up, holding hands, just more touching. I never worried about being called gay in a pejorative way, so I felt free to brush another girl’s hair or help her dress, for example.</p>

<p>I knew a good number of girls who didn’t realize they were gay or bi until college, but that was in the old days. The culture wasn’t so supportive back then. I suspect they knew but were not ready to examine their feelings. They may not even have known there was such a thing as preferring their own sex. (I am old and grew up in a small, protected environment.)</p>

<p>Haven’t there been celebrities who have gone from preferring one sex to another in public? Ann Heche? Whatshername who played Miranda on Sex and the City? Maybe they always knew they were gay or bi and just never said anything? They are older than you, so maybe they were more culture bound in their attitudes.</p>

10

<p>And then we have the wife of the new mayor of NYC–the former radical lesbian…</p>

<p>My next door neighbor came out 25 years ago; he’s 70. </p>

<p>Consider the possibility that your sexuality is fluid, and that you are attracted to <em>people</em> for specific individual qualities, not the kind of gonads they have.</p>

11

<p>From what I understand, it is not uncommon for women to be serially bisexual: in other words, it depends on whom they fall in love with.</p>

<p>Seems to me that you are who you are, and there is no need to slap a label on yourself. I think sexuality is often fluid, when left to its own devices and not forced into a societal mold.</p>

<p>And I really don’t see anyone telling you you aren’t old enough to know. :)</p>

12

<p>There is no age limit on this, and I know people who have switched back and forth throughout their lives. Also some who have known for years, but not done anything about or with it.</p>

13

<p>You seem to be level headed. When I was 25 I felt older than 25 seems now in the rear view mirror. You’re just getting started! Great advice above. We all improvise our way through life. explore and see where things take you. Labels can be so limiting.</p>

14

<p>psych, as you can see your situation is not uncommon. If you’d like an opportunity to meet other women who aren’t straight, I think you are right that looking at some LGBTQ+ activities might be helpful. You don’t need to explain yourself, though of course you can if asked. It can’t hurt to try it out, if it turns out that it’s not the right approach for you, you’ll probably figure it out pretty quickly. I’ve always thought that it’s very hard for anyone to find a significant other after college - whichever way you swing - good luck! I am confident you will figure this out.</p>

<p>And I can join the chorus of people who have friends that did not figure out they were gay/bi until rather late in life.</p>

15

<p>A lot of people find out about their sexuality as they grow older. A lot of gay men and lesbians struggle with themselves, they don’t/can’t admit what they are, struggle, and then later on finally figure out what they are (and even with all the struggles kids face who are gay or seem to be gay, from morons, a lot of kids feel a lot freer today to find themselves). I have known people in their 40’s and 50’s who find themselves, so what you are going through is not all that abnormal or different. </p>

<p>There are transgender people who grow up knowing they are different, know what it is that is troubling them, and can’t wait to transition, there are others that lead seemingly normal lives and then in their 30’s or 40’s something pops, and they figure out what the problems they have been having are and go down that path, often losing a lot in the process. </p>

<p>With sexuality, every study has shown that women tend to be a lot more fluid than men, so a woman for example who id’s as straight is a lot likelier to have experimented with same sex partners then a man would (in part, I suspect, because there is so much negativity still towards men with men that holds guys back than with two women, not that openly gay women have an easy time of it), and some find it later on in life, they were happy with men, then find themselves with a woman. </p>

<p>You don’t have to id as anything, that is up to you. If it simply is you think you might want to have a relationship with a woman, you can do so without carrying the flag or doing anything other than seeking out someone. It isn’t a race, there is no time limit on it,and do it as you wish when you wish. Coming out about sexuality to me always seemed to be on a basis of is it important to you. If you are in a relationship with a woman and wish to introduce her to friends and family, then coming out as bi might be important, but if you are at work and the person you are dating has no contact with work people, then it might not be important. When you introduce yourself to people, you don’t need to go around saying “Hi, I’m <x> and I am bi”, it is all about context IMO. It is great to be part of community, of course, but also know it isn’t the be all and end all, either, up to you:)</x></p>