Really angry with FIL, what would you do?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>My FIL is 91 yrs old. I will preface this by sayinhass has never done anything for any of his grandkids, no Christmas, birthday, graduation presents, nothing! For the past 3 years, he and his wife have had a lot of medical issues, requiring a lot of time from his 2 sons, me and my SIL. Last August, his wife moved up north to be near her son so he could help with her medical issues. My sister-in-law and I were overwhelmed between the two of them, my dad who was very ill and her dad who is battling cancer. In Sept., my SIL got in a huge argument with my FIL and does nothing for him anymore, so it is just me. I drive him to appts, etc. at least twice a week.</p>

<p>Last night, my BIL told me that my FIL called him to tell him that my son had called him asking for money. My son most definitely did not call him for money, he has a very good, well paying job and a hefty savings account. Not only that, IF my son needed something, he is the last person my son would turn to. This scam has been all over the news here, targeting elderly people. The scammers pretend to be the grandchild, claiming to be in some sort of need to get the victim to send them money. While I am glad that he didn’t fall for the scam, I am furious at his response! He had no idea, nor did my BIL, about the scam. He told my BIL that he hung up on my son, 3 TIMES, and said, “I wouldn’t give him nothing, his mother probably put him up to it.” </p>

<p>I am so angry about this, for several reasons! First of all, why didn’t he call me or my husband, he calls me about everything else, he even calls me in the middle of the night to tell me he can’t sleep! And what if my son or one of the other kids, all young adults, really was in trouble and needed help, nice to know what his response would be! And lastly, how dare he accuse me of all people of putting him up to it! I am the only one that does anything for him, other than my BIL. Rest assured, even though he is 91 he has all his faculties. As a matter of fact, he is in such good shape he was just scheduled for an elective surgery. </p>

<p>My husband says I should just let it go and that it is typical of him. I know he is right but I just can’t let it go, I am just so angry about this. Thanks for letting me vent, I always get great advice when I post here!</p>

2

<p>I would turn over everything you have been doing for your FIL to your husband. If your husband doesn’t have the time then he will need to tell his father he needs to hire a driver and/or an aid.</p>

3

<p>If you really can’t let it go, then I would say something to him about it. If only to warn him about the scam. Not that he seems to need any intervention there, the cheap b@$tard! Lol.</p>

4

<p>I don’t think you should let it go. If as you say he has his faculties then you should speak with him face to face and tell him how offended you are by his selfish and mean actions and words. Just because he is 91 doesn’t give him the right to behave this way towards someone who is assisting him as you are. Then I would make it clear to him and your husband that if he has any other needs your husband and his brother are the ones to be called and as your SIL has done you should distance yourself from this toxic, selfish person. It always amazes me how takers like your FIL find givers to take advantage of and abuse. Take care of your dad and yourself and if your husband can’t help his father then let your FIL use his own money to hire someone to take care him.</p>

5

<p>I am at the end of a family vacation where all of us, as always, tiptoe around FIL. No advice, so hugs to you.</p>

6

<p>If it could make you feel a slightly better if thinking in this way, your FIL will not be in this world much longer than, say, 10 years, considering his age.</p>

<p>A central issue is that if a person A has done some favor for a person B, and person B has done some favor for person C, to what extent could person A ask person C to return the favor from person C? In this case, A=FIL, B=your H, C=you. A raised B, and presumably, B and C do favors to each other on a ongoing basis because they are spouses.</p>

<p>Most would agree that if person A needs helps from person C, person A needs to “earn” the love from person C directly in the past. But in this world, it is often the case that person A would not think so; he might even think that anybody who is related to person B owes him something forever!</p>

<p>Sometimes, A=father, B=father’s child, C=father’s grandchild. To what extent could B ask C do favors for A, especially when C is still a minor? Or, B should let A and C develop their relation directly between themselves without any “intervention” just because B is capable of doing so to a certain extent in some “more traditional” family?</p>

7

<p>I would get your FIL/H to hire a driver to take him to his appts even if you weren’t mad at him. It is too much for you to do it all by yourself, and that’s why you are mad. Your H needs to take care of his father, it shouldn’t be just your responsibility.</p>

<p>Your FIL doesn’t sound like a nice person, but I am not sure if it is worth it to confront him. He is not going to change. Just ignore him.</p>

8

<p>I think that you should present your FIL with articles that describe the scam and congratulate him on being too smart to be taken in by someone pretending to be your son. I really don’t think you should just let this go unchallenged. It sounds likely that he will proceed to tell everyone the same nasty story, and you don’t know who he might tell and who might believe it. Just be glad that your BIL told you about it and gave you the chance to refute it.</p>

<p>If he persists in being nasty about it, I would tell him that if your son was in difficulty he would come to YOU first, and that you would never suggest that he approach his grandfather. (You don’t have to say why.) It would be tempting to tell him that since he thinks so little of you, you assume that he would prefer not to be in your company and so he should make other arrangements for his appointments and other needs. :smiley: But of course you will rise above it, won’t you? :slight_smile: </p>

<p>Correct it first. THEN try to let it go. :slight_smile: He sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant person.</p>

9

<p>fishymom- I am sorry for your dilemmas with your FIL. It is so hard when people who need assistance are also unpleasant or ungrateful. An incident like this highlights how much you are offering and how little is coming back in the other direction. It is especially challenging that your SIL has opted out, leaving you flying solo. How can this burden be shared?
Also, it may not be so in your FIL’s case, but I have found that having one’s wits about them in the late 80’s and early 90’s is a moving target. You can’t always tell for sure when the cognition has become unreliable, until there are several events that cumulatively reveal changes for the worst. Hope there are others who can pitch in and give you a break.</p>

10

<p>When people are in their 90s, having all their faculties doesn’t equate to having all their judgment. Just as with people who are inebriated, their mental filters go wonky and their personalities and opinions can become either nastier or nicer than they were in their 50s and 60s.</p>

<p>I second consolation’s suggestions: present him with articles (i.e., objective evidence) of the scam, tell him you’re happy he didn’t fall for it, then move on. I also congratulate you for realizing it was a scammer who called him, rather than him just making it up.</p>

<p>The larger issue is how to appropriately divide the work that you’re doing. When I read your post, my first thought was, where is your husband in all this? Other than him giving your arms length advice, your post doesn’t reflect any constructive action on his part. I think you need to sit down with him, tell him how you feel, and ask him to contribute some measure of support and help, not just advice from afar.</p>

11

<p>We have tried to get him to hire a driver and he refuses. He has plenty of money but thinks it is too expensive. He will not use the local senior transportation for dr appts because he would have to wait to be picked up when he is done. If I don’t take him, he drives himself. He is totally blind in one eye, significantly impaired in the other, cannot hear and is a menace on the road. He got a new drivers license in Dec.2010, so he has a valid license. We have tried to get him to stop driving and take the car away but he threatened to call the police. And I cannot in good conscience refuse to drive him knowing he will drive himself, putting other people in my community in danger.</p>

<p>My FIL is just not a nice person, he was the youngest son in a large Italian family, doted on by his mother and older sisters. He has no regard for anybody else, never has, and has gotten worse the older he gets. My father passed away 5 months ago and before my dad died, my FIL told me to put him in a home so I would be available to do for him more. Lets just say that did not go over well. When my dad died, his response when he was told was, “Now she will have more time for me.” I was so angry about that I didn’t speak to him for 6 weeks, until my daughter was home for spring break and wanted to see him. </p>

<p>I am trying my hardest to deal with him, really I am. My husband has a 45-60 minute commute each way and is gone 12 hours a day. He deals with him on the weekends but cannot during the week. This has been a tough year for me with my youngest starting college 1500 miles away, my son taking a job 600 miles away and my dad passing away 2 days later, on top of dealing with my FIL and his BS. It has been very stressful and my health is suffering, I was recently diagnosed with high blood pressure for the first time in my life. I know I need to let it go, but I am still seething!</p>

12

<p>While he may seem like he has all his faculties, he probably is slipping more than you can see. And when they mentally start to slip they can often get realllllly cranky. I have had conversations with my mom and she forgot it. We all forget, but the elderly when they get confused the get much more angry and defensive.</p>

<p>That being said, straighten out the story as suggested above, and if he can afford, get a driver or cabs for him.</p>

<p>My grandmother accused my mom of wanting to steal her jewelry. All my mom asked was where it was and grandma enlisted her other daughter in the accusations. It was not pretty sorry to say.</p>

<p>Trick is to let go of anger and try and be the rational one.</p>

13

<p>fishmom - I had high blood pressure last year too, I think due to stress from work. I am no longer there, started to slow down a bit. Guess what, my blood pressure is back to normal again. Get others to help you out.</p>

14

<p>I vote for everything Consolation outlined in Post #8, with this one difference: your H should say all that. Your H should be in charge of presenting all the information about the scame to his Dad (you could research it), with you sitting alongside quietly. I think that’s better process. Do it on the weekend when your H is available.</p>

<p>If your H declines to do this for you, you can decline to continue working to assist your FIL. Nothing will change until you do, because everyone’s relying on you…and too much so.</p>

<p>I think you can also implore your H to phone FIL’s doctor regarding the driver’s license. Have him called in for some regular tests or reasons he normally is seen. While there, the doctor also gives him an eye test; if not passed, the doctor has the power to write to the DMV and have the license pulled. This happens all the time, because many seniors won’t listen to their own children about giving up driving.</p>

15

<p>^^^</p>

<p>Agreed. And the H needs to also inform his dad that his wife will no longer be able to be his driver, so FIL will have to accept other modes of transportation. Most men wouldn’t tolerate this stuff, so why do women?</p>

16

<p>fishymom - Silence is consent, especially when dealing with someone who has obviously (IMHO) begun to lose his faculties. Time to get Papa a part time aid, preferably on a rotating basis since he can’t discern when he’s being scammed.</p>

17

<p>I agree w/ others … it is time for you to follow your SIL and leave your FIL’s care to your H. If your H is too busy than HE and your BIL need to make arrangements or hire others to care for their father. And if it will make you feel better, you can write you FIL a letter telling him how hurt you are w/this current incident and other incidents over the years.</p>

18

<p>“And if it will make you feel better, you can write you FIL a letter telling him how hurt you are w/this current incident and other incidents over the years.”</p>

<p>And then tear it up. No sense turning responsibility over to H and then risk poisoning (further) your family’s relationship with FIL.</p>

19

<p>

In some family, FIL may feel he is entitled to this. Refusing to continue this “service” will be considered as “betraying/rebelling” by his kind of FIL. I did not say this is right; I just said somebody from that old generation may believe he is entitled for this. been there, and have suffered something similar. I am sympathetic to what you have suffered.</p>

20

<p>I agree with much of the above, even if it’s conflicting. ;)</p>

<p>1) Let him know about the scam, congratulate him on not falling for it and tell him you’re hurt about what he told his son.</p>

<p>2) Make your dh pick up some of the slack, even if that just means being the one to deliver the bad news that …</p>

<p>3) You’re making yourself less available.</p>

<p>4) Absolutely agree with the idea of going to the doctor and getting him/her to be the bad guy about not driving. We are doing this now with my 84yo dad. Also, pull a plug or two so that the car won’t run should he decide to get behind the wheel anyway.</p>