Reconciliation

russgenious · July 28, 2012, 2:11am

As an angsty and moody HS student, I want to better understand how parents look at and respond to conflict. How do you deal with the drama and stress your child unleashes upon you? How do you respond to bitter conflicts that leave both sides hurt and overwhelmed? And are there methods that bring reconciliation and understanding? Im asking this because my relationship with my dad is starting to fall apart, once again, and, this time, we are taking care of a sick relative outside the U.S, without my mom to stop the escalation. Neither of us have ever been good at, or perhaps weve never tried, expressing our emotions/thoughts to the other.

My dad has sacrificed his own career to take care of me and my sibling when my mom was working (overseas, long shifts, etc), trying to keep us together when we bounced from place to pleace. He studied his way into his countrys top university, and his poor but tight-knit family did what they could to support him.

Part of the disappointment/frustration that emanated from my dad came from the fact that I never toke school seriously (until this past junior year, when I got a 2300+ SAT and 3.9 GPA), and the chaos that our household has become. I have resented him in the past for past conflicts that often turned physical, usually ending with my crying in a corner (or outside). He has been hurt by the constant disrespect that I have thrown at him, and he feels like he has done everything possible for me and my sibling (whos now going through his own mood swings). The result? We have gone 2-3 months barely saying to a word to each other before, and it still feels that weve never gotten over past conflicts… pretty large disconnect between the two of us.

My family always eats dinner together, but it feels like our conversations are sometimes overshadowed by what isnt being said… after a fight, there doesn’t seem to be much progress. Tt feels like I’ve had a shouting match with my parents/sibling every other day during the school year so yeah, enough about my family drama.

Can you CCers give examples of conflicts with your children, and how youve settled them? Or how your relationships have evolved/changed? Any advice on how to improve a parent-child relationship would be much appreciated.

Pennylane2011 · July 28, 2012, 9:02am

It’s a huge sign of maturity on your part to realize that you can initiate a reconciliation. As children, we look up to our parents and think they are invincible. By your age, you recognize that most parents are imperfect people doing the best they can. Our advantage is some age and maturity, but many parents may lack parenting skills because of the way they were parented- and they can pass this poor parenting from generation to generation- not knowing it is poor parenting but simply doing it the way they were taught.
It seems like your Dad’s heart is in the right place. He sacrificed a career to take care of you, and now he is demonstrating his devotion to his sick relative. Teens, particularly US teens, tend to be self focused- college, career, peers, and perhaps this is not the culture your Dad was raised in. He made sacrifices for his family, and in return, perhaps he wishes you had worked harder at school in return. Seems like both of you are resentful for something. That is human nature too, and anger and resentment become the undercurrent of conversations. Your Dad may also feel some resentment at how much he has sacrificed for his family.
I am a mom- an imperfect one at best, and just recently had a conversation with my own son about how he felt about something, and I realized that there was no other way he would have seen it differently. He can’t possibly understand things from my perspective. I could have been angry about it, but putting myself in his shoes helped me realize where he was at. Likewise, there are times when my kids have been really angry at me for not getting something they wanted- and they could not understand why- but as a parent, I had my reasons. Your Dad has not had it easy- raising kids without the other parent, now taking care of a sick relative. He could simply be too tired to deal with much else at the moment.
Sometimes parents have unrealistic expectations of their children, but this does not seem to be the case as you have good academic potential.

The key to reconciliation lies with YOU. Why? Because you can not control how another person feels . So you can not look at your Dad for the answer. If you learn this lesson now, it will serve you well. The first step is to address your own resentment, and acknowledge that your Dad is not perfect- nobody is. The next step to repairing this relationship is to forgive him, believe he did the best he can. Forgiveness does not mean enduring abuse from anyone- you can end a relationship- but this does not seem to be the case here and you both seem invested in a better one. The next step is to look at your role in this and apologize for your part in this, whatever that is. Maybe your Dad needs to hear that you realize he wished you worked harder but that you are seriously invested in your future now.
Your Dad may or may not come around, but this part is for you. It could diminish the drama for you. I hope your Dad comes around, but if he does not, or can not, as an adult, you will have to accept him as he is.

When you get to college, you could consider seeing someone at the counseling center. It’s not just for people with a serious problem, but for anyone who has experienced family drama. They could help you gain some good skills and insights for dealing with parents, siblings, and people in general.

fendrock · July 28, 2012, 9:31am

russgenious, I am in agreement with pennylane that you are looking at this situation with a great deal of maturity, and I would say compassion as well.

I can’t give any examples in regard to my relationship with my children, but rather as related to my relationship with my own parents.

Although I do not come from an immigrant family, I was raised in circumstances very different from those in which my parents were raised (my parents chose to live in a developing country and I attended a boarding school), and my own children, in turn, have grown up in yet other circumstances (suburban).

Perhaps because of this, perhaps just because of differing interests and personalities, I have not been close to my parents, and my husband and children do not like to spend time with them at all.

I have tried to bridge this gap, and I’ve been unsuccessful. It makes me sad, but sometimes you can make your best effort and the relationship can still not be what you want it to be.

intparent · July 28, 2012, 11:19am

There isn’t much that is more infurating to a parent to feel like they have given up everything for their kids, and have the kids not put much effort into what the parents think is important. Your admission that you didn’t put the effort into school until this last year is a case in point. I don’t actually blame your dad for being angry and frustrated if you had those abilities and sort of goofed around (or maybe chose not to do well as an act of defiance in the past). One good year doesn’t redeem you in the eyes of college admissions and scholarship committees. If you have wasted your talents, he is probably still doing a slow (or hot) burn about that. It sounds like he has sacrificed a lot, and you took it for granted (or actively worked against his goals) for a long time. You can’t fix that with one year’s good grades, IMHO.

It sounds like he is a bad communicator with a temper. But it sounds like some of his frustration may be justified. Pennylane has some good advice in saying that the key to reconciliation belongs with you.

Classof2015 · July 28, 2012, 2:31pm

I grew up with yelling, and violence (or the threat of violence). My father immigrated here, put himself through school and medical school, taught himself English, and put education of his five children as his top priority. So when he came home and we were flopped on the carpet, watching our favorite TV show (like normal American children), he would flip out. He’d get red in the face and scream “You are all sons of b*****s!”

I have kind of figured out now that his response was not necessarily normal. Honestly, I never had a relationship with my father. He was the most toxic, scary person in my young life, and when he died, I did not rush to be at his side.

I’m not saying your father is like this – if anything, it sounds like he is less terrible in many ways than my father. From a parent’s perspective, I agree – he has put a lot of hope and effort into you, and he might think you are throwing it away with both hands. Which he might view as a deliberate way to disrespect him.

So try to respect him. Put yourself in his shoes. Tell him (either in person or via written communication) that you are sorry you didn’t work harder earlier but you are serious about your education now.

I vowed not to be like that with my kids. We talk about things, and I hope I listen. With my daughter, she has told me she wishes I was more Tiger Mom with her. When she was looking at schools, I told her I’d be happy with any place she got into. She said she wanted me to be “it’s Harvard or else!” Huh. That’s the kind of stress I grew up with, and I hated it.

Do you know the main time people open up to each other is when they’re not making eye contact and when they’re engaged in another task? So the easy example is two men watching a football game. Or me with one of my kids, driving to do some stupid errand. You’re not “having a discussion” face to face across the kitchen table. You’re focused on some other task, but it’s often the best way to bring up things to talk about (especially when driving and the other person can’t get away).

You have learned the hard way how difficult relationships can be. Your life is a series of relationships, some intimate, some romantic, some business like. The more you can figure out how to patch up a broken and bleeding relationship, the better you will be in life. Start with: I’m sorry. I love you. These are magic words.

Good luck.

Reconciliation

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