<p>Twenty five years later neither my H nor I are the same perosn we were back in the '80’s and 31/34. My H has sometimes stated he wished he had known me 10 years earlier, but I wonder if we would have liked each other then. Perhaps since our core personalities and ideas, although having been refined over the decades, are the same.</p>
<p>Changes- some I couldn’t make. My mother died many years before I met my H. I had begun my medical practice in a city a distance away from my hometown and met this wonderful Indian physician in a doctor’s lounge. He asked me to marry him one year after our first date (by phone! he was on call). I said yes, of course, at my age I may not have had many boyfriends but I certainly had enough life experience to not pass up Mr. Right or wait for more time to get to know him more. Both of us knew we were misfits in our cultures- one reason neither of us were married by then.</p>
<p>Planning the wedding. No mother available- and his was a continent away. He was busier than I and lacked knowledge/interest about customs. We were older/more mature and skipped many. I was also clueless about Indian culture as he had embraced Western/American culture and discarded his own. Twenty five years later he is much more in tune with it (my influence?). No friends or family anywhere close. All busy with their lives. Also- smaller medical community that gossiped (men are worse than women, I bet, one male physician asked me if we “had” to get married- he died before the wedding and our years of an infertility workup) so we kept our relationship as secret as we could. No help from the locals for all of those vendor details therefore. My only sister questioned whether it was an infatuation on my part. It would have been better to face the curiosity and ask for ideas instead of preserving our privacy and relying on gleaned knowledge.</p>
<p>Making the arrangements. It would have been so much easier to have been more conventional as a couple. It was October and we took into account when H to be could next take vacation and his partners’ being in town. We chose to take our next vacation as a married couple instead of waiting for a summer wedding- we weren’t getting any younger. Early March, 5 months after his proposal, became the date. Had to find a location for a ceremony and reception. And the officiant. Considered a judge but were able to get a hospital chaplin who also had a nice nonreligious ceremony another couple had used that we liked. I refused to use a hospital chapel- no wedding in the workplace! Would not chnage that. I looked at available hotels- most guests coming from OOS and would need a place to stay. Vetoed the red plaid carpet one. Couldn’t use the one under construction- if we had waited… Chose one and their buffet choices.</p>
<p>The timing meant some couldn’t come, especially from OOS because of their busy lives/calls- too many physician friends. We sent 40 invitations yielding 40 people including us and the minster and his wife. We had a choice of limiting the guests to those we knew and liked or inviting the whole local medical community including those we disliked to avoid political complications. There were a few people we should/could have included. We both have small families, his extended family was in India except one on either US coast. He chose the date before his parents could get a visa for their first US trip. Met them that summer. At the time his father didn’t get along with his son-in-law, H’s sister married secretly without family approval. his parents would have been stuck visiting them- we certainly weren’t going to forgo our week of vacation to see them. My brother’s wife was within weeks of delivering my godchild (only one godparent has to be Catholic I found out) and stayed home.</p>
<p>Didn’t invite the childhood neighbors partly since had lost touch with them since my mother died and I didn’t want them to feel obligated to send gifts- they chipped in for a wedding gift. We had a neighborhood growing up that was like an extended family. One lady was in her church group so their large coffee urn was used at many receptions. typically the neighbor ladies got together to make the potato salad and set out the ham and buns plus other catering details for wedding receptions held at a church hall or the local community center. Mix of white ethnic and religious groups, smart- some men with college degrees- but lower middle income neighborhood. Wish I could have had the the community feel others did for my wedding. Interestingly, the guests attending ended up being divided equally between “his and hers” friends and relatives.</p>
<p>The dress et al. No bridal shower- friends/relatives too far away. Sister was matron of honor, she lived OOS with her grad school H and young son. No one to go dress shopping with. Also did not want typical wedding gown or to spend a lot of money on a dress only worn a few hours. Wanted to be warm (winter- even though there was NO snow on the ground on our wedding day)- I found a comfortable cream white wool long sleeved tea length dress at a local shp - cost $150. Sister was my matron of honor- told her I would pay for the blue dress of her choice. Ended up finding material for her to make her knee length dress in a style compatible to mine (and remember no internet or digital cameras to send details back and forth, or to search for things)- found out months after the wedding she was pregnant by March. I regret not having the experience of trying on bridal gowns but it wasn’t something fun to do by myself.</p>
<p>The music- H to be’s responsibility. He had influenza and was busy so that never happened.</p>
<p>Flowers- I love them, wore some in my hair instead of a veil, had artificial ones for the cake topper and used blue when I could- got lucky that irises came into season. Never even considered having out of season ones shipped like on the tv shows. Wasn’t willing to spend tons of money on them, cost never the factor in many choices due to affordability.</p>
<p>No rehearsal- people were arriving from all over in time for Saturday evening. Did we ever do things differently than most or the etiquette books say you should.</p>
<p>The photographer- should have gone with the more expensive one. But how often do you look at that album over the years, anyhow?</p>
<p>The food. Limited to the hotel offerings, no substitutions. Two meats, two vegetables (his and my favorites I think), potato and the rest of their buffet. There were no better options utilizing other venues at that time. Chose chicken and roast beef for entrees- my relatives were thrilled with the beef treat and his vegetarian relatives and friends did without. Wish I could have been more accomodating, but those were the times. The cake - standard white one. Now I would have gone for other flavors. Surprised the minister with his favorite-a chocolate (devils food?) birthday cake.</p>
<p>Overall too busy being in charge to just relax and enjoy. At least the wedding day is only the start of many years of a marriage. Hindsight is 20/20 as they say. Now I know my inlaws well, as well as Indian culture, plus this city. I can cook good Indian food- Thanksgiving at our house is an appreciated invitation.</p>
<p>A very long post, but our wedding was so different than I had imagined as a child, and for logical reasons. Dreams meet reality. Thanks everyone for letting me write up my memories. Thank goodness a marriage is between two people or My H and I, the outsiders, could never have had a wedding. H is currently out of town and I’m missing him- hence the time for such a long post.</p>
It really makes more sense to have the wedding that the couple most wants. The scorpions are guests that I wouldn’t want myself!</p>