"Refeathering the Empty Nest" NYT article

Parent Cafe
1

<p>We’re not empty nesters (not for another 10 years), but our 10-year-old has been lobbying for our freshman S’s room for the last 5 years.</p>

<p><a href=“http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/20/garden/20kids.html?_r=1&adxnnl=1&oref=slogin&adxnnlx=1190287847-On1R37dkDc3C5pAN5VBZOw[/url]”>http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/20/garden/20kids.html?_r=1&adxnnl=1&oref=slogin&adxnnlx=1190287847-On1R37dkDc3C5pAN5VBZOw&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>or</p>

<p><a href=“http://■■■■■■■.com/2aqxox[/url]”>http://■■■■■■■.com/2aqxox&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

2

<p>Sheesh! I think that it would be awful to just re-do your child’s room without their knowledge. I consider that my kids’ “home” is still here until they graduate from college and are out on their own. I hope they will come back often even after that, if they move away from this area. Of course, at that point, their rooms WILL be up for re-decorating!</p>

3

<p>What cruelty! That first year at college can be a hard transition, even for the independent. </p>

<p>However, necessity often rules. After Christmas break freshman year, foreign students moved into my son’s room, though I left the walls decorations intact. He still has had the room some summers, and an alternate room when his isn’t available. At this point, I’m well ready for redecorating, though with more adult manifestations of his current life-travel mementos and such. He is overseas for a year or two, and this is still his home in N. America. </p>

<p>Now the girls’ room was just sanitized for guests, and put to use last weekend, though again, wall decorations remain intactm, drawers full. They’ll perhaps be happier in this tidied version of home.</p>

4

<p>After they left, I just did a thorough cleaning of their rooms, but left them basically intact. I went through closets and drawers and tossed old clothes and junk out that I knew they didn’t need or want.</p>

<p>I did, however, fix up their bathroom, which was a disaster. Now it’s nice, cheery, and clean. We also fixed up our porch and pool deck- bought some new furniture and an outdoor pool table. Now they have something new to play with when they come home, and H and I enjoy playing some nights as well. </p>

<p>I did feel the overwhelming need to do something “new” to the house after they left.</p>

5

<p>Interesting. What do college students do on their vacations? Do they not come home occasionally? I’ve tidied S’s room every time he’s gone back to college, but it’s still his room, and he has to be able to find his stuff there when he comes home, a couple of weeks during academic year, and longer in the summer.</p>

6

<p>I agree that freshman year is too much of an emotioinal minefield to do anything major to your kid’s room. That’s why, although the 10yo has an extremely small room (with no closet–gotta love these old houses), I’ve told her she’s definitely not getting S’s room the first year. After that, we’ll still have to see.</p>

<p>Plus, S’s school has a 6-week break from Thanksgiving through New Year’s, so he’ll be back for an extended stay then.</p>

7

<p>D is a soph in her first apartment. She took half her bedroom furniture with her. It has now morphed into her bedroom/guestroom…</p>

8

<p>To each his own, but I cannot even imagine changing the kids’ bedrooms while they are in college, as in the article. The article presented two extremes of analysis…one was that if the room was no longer looking like their old bedroom, that would aid in their independence. The other was if the room was left intact, it was as if a parent wants their child to live at home as long as she/he likes. </p>

<p>In my case, our kids’ bedrooms look EXACTLY as they left them. The same stuff is on the walls since they were kids. The trophies, ribbons, stuffed animals, trinkets, books, clothes, photos, etc. have not moved. But my kids are VERY indpendent. My kids are RARELY home. They are home one week at XMas, often just 2 days at Thanksgiving, and a few weeks in May and one week in August typically. That’s it. But when they come home, they still live here. Their rooms are their rooms. I don’t anticipate that either of my kids will ever live at home full time again. So, it is not like their rooms are preserved so they can move back home. I truly believe that neither will…one is heading to graduate school after college and one’s career is based in NYC. I have never even contemplated changing their rooms in any respect. I suppose some day when they go some place permanent, and/or get married, they may clean out their memorabelia which they want to have at their more permanent residence. For now, they live in more temporary situations and while they took lots to school with them, it wasn’t everything they own, nor things from years past. We have a box for every year of school, preschool through college, portfolios of all their art work, every book they ever read, every award they ever received, and truth be told, my basement is full of boxes of their wardrobes (that I could give away and often give lots to people I run into). I feel their rooms will stay as they are until they wish to permanently move their stuff. But that doesn’t mean their rooms are waiting for them to move back home. They won’t be. But when they come home on the rare occasion, those are their rooms and always will be. I have no need to change a thing in them. I have not attempted to clean out a thing either. </p>

<p>I don’t understand those who would wish to turn their kids’ rooms into something else as soon as they leave for college. I see the home as still their permanent home at that point, until they have settled more permanently some place else and take ALL their stuff at that point in time. Maybe others need the space, I have no idea. We have always had a guest room even when the kids lived here. I suppose I could totally clean out their bathroom which a guest also uses but any guest who comes can readily see that my two girls’ stuff is all still in there! I really don’t care. The little they come here, it is still their place. The article presented that such a situation will not breed independence. From my experience, I wholeheartedly disagree. My kids are overly independent and haven’t even spent a summer or all of their vacation times here at all. But when they are here, it is still THEIR home too. </p>

<p>PS…there is a lot of junk that could be thrown out in their rooms but when that time comes…THEY are gonna be the ones to sift through it, not moi!</p>

9

<p>Different things for different kids, too I guess:</p>

<p>My oldest son agreed to switch rooms with his little sister a year BEFORE he went away to school. It was his idea, actually. She had always been in the smallest (by far) room and he just did not see the need to have a large room since he was only going to be around for a little longer.
D was away at a three-week long dance camp (she was 11, I believe) and was terribly homesick. Her brothers and I worked on painting both rooms and moving furniture while she was gone. So we surprised her with her “new” room when she came home. </p>

<p>He’s a pretty thoughtful young man!</p>

10

<p>My son graduated from college a year ago and is now living on his own. When he was home recently, we asked him what he wanted to take out of his room, which is filled with books, sports trophies, projects, etc., and is decorated with the sports theme comforter and border we chose when he was in first grade. He wanted to take a few books, but does not want us to sell or get rid of the rest (he wants to keep them in his old room). He said his class notes and other school work could be thrown out, and I plan to do that soon. At this point, I am not sure what to do with his room. He is on the opposite coast and will not be at home for long periods, but I feel funny putting away all of his memorabilia. On the other hand, his room is basically a museum of his growing up now, and I don’t want it to stay like that indefinitely. This is a little harder to figure out than when he was a college freshman, as discussed in the article.</p>

11

<p>MotherOfTwo…I understand THAT dilemma once your kid is permenantly out on their own in the work world. I do think that is different than the college years when college is a temporary residence and home is still, well, their home.</p>

<p>(I’m not up to the point you are yet!)</p>

12

<p>It is still a dilemma though. My son just got his first “solo” apartment on the opposite coast last weekend and started a new job in a new city this week. For the last year, he was sharing a two bedroom apartment with a friend whose family lives nearby, and the roommates’ parents generously provided them with basically everything they needed (from old furniture, etc. which they had replaced), even a bureau and desk for my son. Now, my son is starting from almost nothing, since he only purchased a bed when living with the friend. Aside from the bed, he owns a laptop, clothes, skis, and golf clubs (I guess that takes care of all of the essentials! :slight_smile: ) Of course, I have tons of extra stuff I could give him, if he was living closer by. It seems so wasteful that he is going to now have to start accumulating all of his own junk (vacuum, dishes, towels, …etc., etc.,etc.), when there is plenty of junk here we would love to get rid of, but the distance is too far!</p>

13

<p>My oldest brother was 8 years ahead of me. He had a longboard, and when he graduated college, he left it at home. I used it throughout high school and college (as a personal flotation device and sunbathing platform), and then several years later after I was married, my parents asked us if we wanted it. We gave it to my H’s nephew; it was old and waterlogged but he figured he might be able to do something with it. Mind you, at this point, my brother had been out of the house for almost 20 years. </p>

<p>Fast forward, a couple years ago, my bro says, “Hey I’d like to get my surfboard.” I think he was shocked that it wasn’t still under the stairs. :confused:</p>

14

<p>MOT: I am with you on that one, having all the detritus of years, esp when grandparents are downsizing, too, and being too far from the kids for them to benefit- frustrating, but the stuff is not worth the price of shipping!</p>

<p>I guess we were evil parents, D agreed to give up the big bedroom to youngest sis, even helped with the move, for freshman year, but every time college Ds came home to visit on a decent length holiday, grandparents would be visiting, too, so college kids did not get their room; then we moved and downsized and one of the kids had to put their stuff in the basement for a year whilst another moved home (surprise) to effect the transition at finishing UG! </p>

<p>So, D2 went from generously giving up “her” room including her furniture, to having her stuff stored in the basement. We have now moved her stuff out of the basement, though she is still rarely here for more than a few days at a time, she feels better knowing she has a theoretical room.</p>

15

<p>I was one of those who lost my room to a younger sibling. It really helped me leave the nest. If my room had been kept the same as I left it, I’d probably would have stayed with my parents until I got married. I’m so glad I didn’t. College became my new home, the home that I made, not that my parents made. It helped me adjust to my new role as an adult and also adjust to my new surroundings. I don’t think my parents and I would have been able to get along for any length of time once I left for college. In fact, I had a much better relationship with my parents after I left than before.</p>

16

<p>“Experts differ on the best way to treat the departure of a college-bound freshman”</p>

<p>Personally, I don’t need an expert telling me how to do things that merely require common sense and are different for every family.</p>

17

<p>I personally did not think it was fair to the remaining siblings to be squished into smaller or shared rooms and leave a shrine unused. They all knew that rooms were switched around when they left, it is part of growing up. The coveted end room was passed down to each in turn. The ones off to school knew they had a bed to come home to and a place to store their stuff, in the small room. They could always come home, just not be a child again.</p>