<p>EDIT: that should be “for” people who lack role models! </p>
<p>I just have a general question on relationships for the happily married on this board.</p>
<p>I recently (about two months) started dating someone really special. He’s a sweet, loving, terrific man who seems to really like me. (This is not the guy I posted about earlier, if you recall my post about compatibility.)</p>
<p>My issue is that my parents were not happily married and I didn’t have a good relationship with them. I was in an abusive relationship, then a few relationships in which I chased after people that were “just not into me”. </p>
<p>I feel like I really don’t have a clue how to “move a relationship forward” or, well, act like a partner. I tend to expect too little, not be couple-y enough, fear abandonment, fear that I will be found out for all of my vulnerabilities. I don’t know if this is an issue for therapy as I’ve had a lot of that. It’s more how I should approach relationships so that I don’t scare this guy off.</p>
<p>Any ideas from people who grew up in bad circumstances but have good marriages?</p>
<p>My parents were role models for marriage primarily in the sense that it showed me what I did not want. Next month I will have been married for 20 years and we are still happy to be married to each other. Some times have been really tough, but thanks to counseling, reading, hard work and more than a little luck, here we are.</p>
<p>This can be an issue for therapy, especially behavior based therapy where the focus is on developing practical skills. With our first therapist, one thing she did was coach us as we fought in front of her. We still use the tools she gave us today. </p>
<p>The first book my therapist recommended was very helpful; The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Lerner. Hopefully others will have more current book recommendations. </p>
<p>You can do this and you deserve a healthy relationship with yourself and with others. Best of luck to you.</p>
<p>Don’t worry about the relationship. Let things unfold naturally, don’t try too hard. Watch out for drunkeness, lack of respect for women, attempts to control your actions. No one owns you, even when you are married. You are young enough you should not think too far ahead to anything permanent. The right guy won’t be scared off by the real you- a strong woman needs a strong man she can respect. </p>
<p>After years of marriage you get to know your spouse’s vulnerable spots and don’t tread on them, a good guy will ignore yours and not try to take advantage of them or mock you for them. It goes both ways- you treat him as you want to be treated. You both are able to compensate for each other’s weaknesses without malice- watch that any teasing is friendly and not demeaning. You don’t resent always/never being the one to… as it works for both of you- you complement each other. I found and still find myself willing to do things for my husband I would resent doing for anyone else, mainly because he doesn’t expect me to do them and respects/appreciates my efforts. </p>
<p>Mistakes will be made by both of you- if you are compatible you will overlook them and be equals. You also find yourself learning about subjects you otherwise never would (Car and Driver, anyone? Auto shows?). You also draw the line at some things- H plays computer chess. You don’t always do the same things or do things together. You feel comfortable together. You find you share the same attitudes and ethics/morals about many things.</p>
<p>You do have role models - in all of the couples, young and old, you see around you. If you can relax with him and enjoy his company, even arguing your points with him, it speaks to compatibility.</p>
<p>Hope those are enough different points to get you thinking.</p>