Relationship question: compatibility

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I’m a lurker on this forum, posting under a different name because I have a relationship question that I want to keep somewhat private. I hope you can give me some insight. If it helps at all, I’m of grad student age. (WARNING: very long post!)</p>

<p>I’m wondering how compatible people need to be to stay together in the long term.</p>

<p>I’ve been dating someone for about nine months. He’s a terrific guy: sweet, kind, smart, ambitious, fun to be with. We have a great time together and get along very well. He has a few rough edges: ignores things and puts them off (still getting billed for a charge for an old gym membership two years later), not especially kind to his Mom (she nags him about things and he tunes her out), and says silly things in social situations (says “I don’t like that!” when he meets someone and they say they like something) but he’s getting better and really listens when I remind him. He’s also good at telling me when I’m off track, so I guess we’re good for each other. </p>

<p>He has a lot of hobbies I don’t share (and don’t particularly care to): singing, theatre, sports, computers. (I don’t have a lot of hobbies, but he does share some of my interests in economics, politics, world affairs, etc.) We have very different political views. I’m less personally conservative than he is: I have some crazy artist friends, like solo backpacking travel. We have different comfort levels with social life (I like parties and he doesn’t), luxury (I’m more downscale, he needs the Four Seasons to be comfortable), spending (I’m frugal and he’s more spendy), etc.</p>

<p>Things in common: We’re the same religion and have similar attitudes toward it (not at all practicing). We have a similar sense of humor. We have good chemistry. We both share a passion for intellectual debate. We don’t like drinking or drugs. We’re both into “saving the world”.</p>

<p>How do you know when you’re compatible with someone for the long term (marriage)? Which are important compatibilities and which are “icing on the cake”? </p>

<p>I’d love to hear the wisdom of the parents on this one.</p>

2

<p>Just a couple of thoughts. You can tell a lot about a man by the way he treats his mother. It’s a good indicator of how you will be treated in the future once the honeymoon period of the relationship is over. </p>

<p>Second, just the fact that you are asking these questions tells me that you already deep down know the answer. Trust your instincts, life is too short.</p>

3

<p>I’d give you the advise my mother gave me: if you can live with him forever the way he is now, then it’s okay. If you think things will get better later, forget it. </p>

<p>I agree with Iron Maiden. At the nine month mark you should be head over heals in love and thinking those little quirks are cute. If you’re asking, then seriously think about how those traits will seem in 30 years. Especially when they get worse.</p>

4

<p>There are some red flags here, but an important question is can both of you be flexible enough to ignore or live with the differences over the long term? Can you share common goals in life? </p>

<p>I don’t think couples have to be in 100% agreement over every issue, but they do need to be willing to live with the differences. For example, will he be willing to suffer through parties that you love, and will you be willing enjoy quiet evenings at home? Sometimes we do things for our partners that we don’t enjoy because we do enjoy seeing the partner happy. Will this be possible?</p>

5

<p>Agree with above posters. If you ignore the question marks you have now and assume all will be well down the road after marriage, you’ll be disappointed. The 2 of you don’t have to agree on every little thing, but you have to be in sync about all the big things. H & I come from different religious backgrounds, and we talked about it in great detail before getting married. It has not been an issue since. And the differences you have when it’s just the 2 of you will only be magnified when/if you have children. Listen very carefully to what both your head and your heart are telling you. Marriage is a lot of hard work, and don’t let anyone tell you differently.</p>

6

<p>Well, I’m a week short of my 25th wedding anniversary, and three months past my 30th start-of-relationship anniversary, and if I had done a post like the OP’s nine months in it would have raised many, many more red flags than the OP’s post. Which means it hasn’t been 30 years of uninterrupted bliss, that’s for sure, and really after the first wonderful blush of the relationship it took a couple years for each of us to be comfortable that, despite the rough edges, we wanted to spend our lives together as adults.</p>

<p>That said, I agree with lots of the cautionary advice above. Yes, you have to pay attention to how he treats his mother. There isn’t a one-to-one correspondence between you and his mother, but you had better understand how you and she are similar, because you can bet that similarity exists at a deep level. I don’t think it’s accurate to say he will treat you the same way, but he will treat you the same way if you set up the same dynamic with him. I also agree that you can’t count on traits you dislike getting better. Some of them will, but lots of them won’t.</p>

<p>The biggest red flag in the OP is probably the “spendy” comment. Many, many long-term relationships get wrecked on that reef. Economics isn’t everything as a controller of human behavior, but you are a fool if you think it isn’t very, very important.</p>

7

<p>Ditto the importance of how a guy treats his mom. Very useful predictor of future behavior.</p>

8

<p>I’m not focused on the mom as much as I am on the ignores things…hasn’t paid a two year old gym membership bill. I see lots of young couples in financial trouble due to one or the other having this type of attitude.
I would think long and hard before marrying someone with that attitude around financial responsibility.<br>
Of course, many couples, including myself, have a relationship where one person is generally managing the financial aspects.</p>

9

<p>When it comes to marriage, Yes is Yes, No is No and Maybe is No.</p>

10

<p>Which compatibilities are important depend on the values of the individuals involved. It’s a question only you can answer. That said, a few areas of contention that often cause trouble in marriages are religion, money, politics (because they reflect core values), kids( how many to have and how to raise), meddlesome in-laws, sexual incompatibility, and drifting apart due to changes in priorities as partners grow older.<br>
From the few examples in your post, I suspect that your BF is not mature enough to be judged on whether he is good marriage material. His mom is still nagging him? Too young. Not paying bills and seems to handle money poorly? Too young. Inept in social situations? Too young.
He may grow up, or he may not. At this point, he seems far from ready to take on the responsibilities of marriage, as he hasn’t mastered taking care of himself.</p>

11

<p>True–it’s specific to the individual and you might discover what values are important if you date around a bit. I learned that social skills (& emotional intelligence) were ultimately the biggest issues for me. Just did not want to deal w/a guy who would be thoughtless or rude to people–to me it was a sign of lack of intelligence (& caring); no matter how many degrees they had or how much $$ in the bank.</p>

<p>Other people might not care about that stuff as much (I know they don’t, looking at my friends’ hubbies :-)). Only you know what characteristics should be deal-breakers–sometimes it takes a while to find out what those qualities are, yourself.</p>

12

<p>I agree with above posters.
If you are not absolutely smitten with him after nine months and barely even notice his “quirks”, it doesn’t sound like there is enough momentum to take you through the really rough spots.</p>

13

<p>If you really love this guy, find a way to talk to him about your “issues”. See if he has any with you. See if he has a willingness to change his behaviors. If he is not willing or just blows you off, you have your answer. If he is willing, have him prove to you with his actions that he can get these things together.If it is just immaturity, maybe you can show him how to change and he can respond.
Why rush anything. And why lose a good relationship if he can and does change. See if he succeeds over a sustained period of time, like a year or 2. People cannot change their personalities, but they can change the way they behave. His ability to do this will tell you a lot about whether he will be good for you in the long haul.</p>

14

<p>Thanks for all of the great suggestions. A few more points, in case it’s helpful:</p>

<ul>
<li><p>I was in a really terrible relationship before this, and then had a long dry spell, so I may be more sensitive to faults than others would be. I can’t even imagine a man I’d be so head-over-heels for that I would not be able to identify his faults (although balanced with good traits, of course). I try to be realistic, not starry-eyed.</p></li>
<li><p>I wouldn’t say he’s financially irresponsible: he lives within his salary, doesn’t drive a fancy car/wear fancy clothes, etc. I’m just super frugal (ie, hostels, not hotels). He also has family money so I don’t think he’ll ever be totally without.</p></li>
</ul>

<p>Do you think it’s too soon to tell? I agree that he’s immature. Do you think I should wait?</p>

15

<p>I think you should definitely wait. You don’t tell us his age, but guys do mature a bit later, on average.<br>
Personally, I think your “long, dry spell,” might make you more eager to solidify a relationship that may not be everything you need. No reason to rush- you have time to wait until he has grown into the man you hope he can be.</p>

16

<p>

</p>

<p>If you have to ask, then the answer is either “no” or “not yet”.</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>Nine months isn’t very long. You could wait, but I would suggest waiting with your eyes open, being open to the possibility that another guy might come along. Imo don’t wait looking only at him, where you run the risk of finally, five years (say) down the road, concluding that he’ll never grow up.</p>

17

<p>I never yelled at my husband for the first year we were dating.</p>

18

<p>Don’t settle for “not sure” or “maybe”. Move on until you find “absolutely yes!”. Save yourself a lot of pain.</p>

19

<p>My mother would say, “Keep both of your eyes open before you get married. Keep one eye closed after you get married.”</p>

<p>Nothing you have mentioned is a show stopper, as far as I am concerned, but the fact you are asking is not a good sign.</p>

20

<p>

I like that.</p>