<p>Recently I returned home from visiting my son, living overseas. He has found himself in his first serious relationship this year, and despite being quite happy with this lovely and interesting young woman, is struggling. This year is his first out of college, first year of financial independence. He is torn between his feelings for her, and his desire to spend time with his less committed buddies, going out in the evening, exploring his new country. </p>
<p>On top of that, there are questions as to how does one create a healthy and loving relationship, set out on the right foot. His dad and I have been of little help in this regard, having divorced years ago, and both been in a series of shorter term relationships since. When I asked him what he thinks of an example of a good marriage, he was hard pressed to come up with much in the way of role models. Many of his friends’ parents have been divorced. For whatever reason, all of his past and current girlfriends have grown up with little to no contact with their fathers. </p>
<p>So I’m turning to my CC oracle for advice, partially as I think this is a larger issue that some in his generation might struggle with. Perhaps all generations? What advice would you give him on forming healthy relationships? It is sad to feel you have failed your offspring in such a fundamental way. From my reading and experiences, I’m heavy on theory, rather weak in terms of tried and true success in these matters.</p>
<p>My first thoughts: Right out of college, those balances are hard for anybody, regardless of their parents’ marital histories. From my reading, it sounds like what’s hitting children of divorce (now 50% so they have lots of company) is a fear of intimacy more than a fear of marriage per se. If he has been shown love and closeness by you, that’s got to be an important start. I think it’s the failure to be loved that causes kids to worry that they can’t receive and therefore give love, and that doesn’t sound at all like you, GLM. </p>
<p>I’m thinking about a female cousin of mine who had a hard time staying with any fellow because he couldn’t possibly compare to her fully-formed Dad with the 25+year marriage. She had a different problem of the plus-perfect model, and didn’t commit until her 30’s. </p>
<p>One of my kids is dating someone who I can see is taking it all one-step-at-a-time, very much exploring new territory for her. I have seen a lot of couplings between one kid from a traditional nuclear family with a kid from a divorced home, where the mentorship becomes the members of the traditional family. </p>
<p>I also know a fantastic couple in their late 70’s who were both orphaned (in the Holocaust era). One described how, each night, they’d put their heads together around the kitchen table and try to figure out what they should do next, day by day. They raised a remarkable 3 kids and enjoy grandchildren, but they certainly had no models to work from in any direction. They considered themselves pioneers in this venture, but wanted it so desperately they achieved it. </p>
<p>You might also give yourself some credit for the many tangible skills your S may have as a result of divorce. A cousin of mine raised 2 boys to cook, do laundry, and everything domestic because they just had to cooperate to all get through their day. The son married late, but wonderfully, bringing in all the skills he knew inside-out to his equally accomplished wife. He sought a very independent, capable woman much like his own mother.</p>
<p>It sounds like your son is going through angst on a lot of fronts, not just in terms of ‘relationships’. </p>
<p>The young woman in question is just one decision out of many he has to make. Like a lot of recent grads he’s still finding out those Questions with a capital Q: Who am I; where do I fit in; what do I want out of life/career/love. </p>
<p>I’m not sure there is a theory out there to help anyone find those answers. Encourage your son in his effort to define himself. And subtly point it out that if he’s ‘struggling’ to decide how to proceed with this relationship, it’s not a time to make any major commitments he might regret later.</p>