Relationship with Sons/Daughters-in-Law

Parent Cafe
81

I want to express my appreciation both to the OP and to the respondents on this thread. OP’s query has opened up a lot of discussion that is throught-provoking.

I have both a son-in-law and a daughter-in-law. Both are wonderful people but different “types” than I am; they are both much more focused and driven. I am much more laid back. Interestingly, the people both our son and daughter married share some significant similarities and strengths. But in both cases our relationships go primarily through our own kids. It is rare, although appreciated, for our in-law family members to call us to chat. I would love that to happen more often but don’t want to push that agenda, especially as they are more time-pressed than I (currently retired) am. I am blessed to have good relationships with both co-mothers-in-law, and we have become good friends.

Anyhow, I have learned from this thread that we parents-in-law do need to focus on the “kid on the couch” and not our idealized or expected in law family members. When my son chose his wife he chose for himself, not so much for a new friend for me. And she is great for him! As long as they work well together and are happy, that is what matters most. I need to focus on that. Anything else for me is a bonus.

Re the wedding thank-yous, both our kids and their partners handled them the same way. The partner whose family or friend the gifter primarily was wrote the thank-you note, but both of them signed it.

We are grandparents through my daughter’s marriage, and I can say that it is clear that both our daughter and son-in-law encourage and are delighted with the relationship we have with our grandchildren and that has been very mutually rewarding,

NONE of these young adults, neither our kids nor their spouses, ever ask us for advice, and we have had to learn to work to refrain from offering unsolicited advice. That is my major frustration, LOL! The one exception so far has been with toilet training, when they wanted to know how it went when we were going through that with our own kids.

Anyhow, thanks @VeryHappy, for initiating this good discussion, and best wishes to you and all in your family!

82

As a new MIL, this thread has been very helpful to read. Thanks for the great discussion.

83

This thread has been so thought provoking.

I wanted to add that my MIL, for a number of years, drove 40 minutes each Wednesday to take my kids to Hebrew school so they could be bar/bat mitzvahed. H and I worked f/t and were unable to do the weekday drive. She also took middle son home with her for those afternoons because he was too young to attend Hebrew school. She always made sure to have a kosher snack that they could take into shul with them. My MIL is a devout Catholic woman, yet she did this so that my children could be raised in my religion. She has no grandchildren in her religion, thought she may get a great-grand if oldest S’s gf chooses to raise their kids, if any, in her mother’s religion (she’s Catholic mom, Jewish dad, opposite of my son). If that happens, I pray to have the grace my MIL has to accept the situation. I have probably not expressed my thanks to her as much as I should, although I did give her a shout out in my speech at the Bnai Mitzvot, but I show my gratitude by making certain that she is well cared for in her old age. Sometimes, it’s not about being friends, but about caring and doing what is needed.

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I think it’s a great topic too. I apologize, @VeryHappy, if my comments seemed harsh. I didn’t mean it that way and I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. There’s more than one way to look at situations. Maybe your DIL is reserved and needs time to get to know you. Relationships take time and it can be difficult if families live far apart and don’t see each other often. Your son and DIL might have an agreement that each thanks their own family for gifts, so I wouldn’t read anything into that. I don’t think her response to your gifts has anything to do with how close she feels to you. If she’s reserved, she will probably never gush over a gift. Don’t take that personally.

I would caution you to rethink whether or not she’s embarrassed by her family though. I think that struck a nerve. My in-laws were impressed by money and education and thought they were better than my parents because they had more money and assumed they were more highly educated. And they weren’t good at hiding it. It isn’t a given that lower income people will feel inferior to those who earn more. If your DIL gets the idea that you think she might feel inferior she may wonder why that would cross your mind unless you believe it yourself. It’s great to be sensitive to what her family can afford, but be careful not to let her read that as judgmental.

I’d caution you to not make a big production out of your gifts, which will likely be more than the other parents can give, and I wouldn’t tell people how much help you give your children and their wives either. My in-laws did, starting with our wedding. They gave us enough to pay for the reception. My parents could only afford to pay for the cost of the license so we told my husband’s parents that we were paying for the reception ourselves and would use their gift to take a honeymoon to their favorite family vacation spot. They told everyone, including my father, that they paid for our wedding. He felt really badly and when we returned from our honeymoon he apologized for not being able to pay more. The difference between my dad and my FIL, both union workers who started their careers in jobs that offered pensions, is that my dad became disabled and lost his job/ pension and my FIL had the good fortune to remain healthy. I explained to my dad that he paid for the license (the only thing really needed for the wedding) and DH and I paid for the reception, and he seemed satisfied. But my in-laws didn’t do themselves any favors. I think intent matters, so if you mean things kindly your DIL will pick up on that and respond to it. It just might not be the same way that your other DIL does.

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Very Happy, another thank you for the thread. I’ve been reading your posts for 12 years now, and always found them helpful, gracious, and polite. And extremely thoughtful. No exceptions. It’s impossible for me to believe your behavior as a mother-in-law is any different.

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This is a fascinating thread. There is so much wisdom here.
My D1 is getting married in a few weeks to a man whose parents are highly educated (we are not) and very wealthy. They just bought their daughter (Ph.D. like her dad) a lovely home in an expensive area of New Jersey by writing a check for the whole amount and seem to be planning to do similar for their son and my D. We are still paying tuition for the PBK. However, they are the kindest, most welcoming people I think I’ve ever met, so there is no awkwardness with anyone. They know my D better than I know their son, however, because they take some pretty lavish and long trips with their entire family several times a year. I adore him, though, because he clearly believes my D hung the moon and she’s been through a lot. My SIL1 is really a son to me in every way that counts because I’ve known him since he was a freshman in high school and supported him through his parents’ hideous divorce. We are very blessed to have these good men coming into our family.

I wonder if VeryHappy’s DIL might just not be the warmest person in the world. I’m not and one of my Ds is not, either. I just can’t imagine that she is bothered by the kindness shown by her in-laws.

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JHS touched on this idea, too, in his post and it’s something I’ve been thinking about since the thread started. My son’s MIL is one of my favorite people in the world. Although we come from different cultures, we have similar parenting philosophies. However, she makes my helicopterish ways look uninvolved by comparison. Very early on, I realized there would never be a need to give daughter-in-law advice because her mother was already taking care of anything that gave me pause. This has been a huge boon to me as a grandmother. I have the luxury of knowing someone experienced is monitoring everything and intervening if necessary. It definitely has contributed to my wonderful relationship with DIL. Since I’ve never offered one smidgen of advice, but am comfortable praising her mothering skills to the skies, she seems to think I’m a perfect grandmother.

I’m just posting this in case it might be useful to anyone in a similar situation.

88

As a daughter who got a plethora of unsolicited advice from both mother and mil, I hope to be able to keep my mouth shut when the time comes. Both mother and MIL seem to feel that if I was doing something differently than what they did, that it was somehow implying that they “did it wrong” instead of pediatric guidelines changing. I took their “advice” as criticism as well and that I was an incompetent mother, so everyone felt judged. It wasn’t until my sil had her own baby and I saw that her mom was doing the same thing to her, that I realized it wasn’t a personal attack.

That said, my inlaws made me feel like an outsider and not part of the family. They were outwardly warm but actively told my husband not to share “family business” with me. He ignored them but it was tough for me to know that they didn’t trust or accept me. That didn’t change until we started our own family and my husband intervened and had a talk with them. This was after 12 years together. My MIL passed away when our daughter was young and FIL remarried. Step-MIL has changed the entire dynamic for the better, at least for me!

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My in-laws were in a financial position to make some rather large gifts to us. My parents couldn’t do so. This never bothered me. It was nice that my in-laws made those gifts to us, and they were used wisely by DH and me for our family. In terms of thank you…we both thanked them in writing and by phone (they lived a trek away).

My parents did things like buy us new eating utensils, and a coffee table. Things like that. Again…thank yous were done by note and phone.

I’m quite sure I didn’t gush over the gifts my in-laws gave us over the years. But I was appreciative. I was also the one who let them know how their gifts were spent.

But frankly…the money and other gifts did not define our relationship. At all.

I’m quite sure I seem very stand offish to my MIL…but that’s OK. It works for both of us.

As i said earlier…people have different personalities. And that’s OK too.

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@austinmshauri and @alh: Thank you very much for your comments.

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@techmom99 your post really touched me. What a lovely tribute to your MIL. She sounds amazing.

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Agreeing with others that I’ve gotten a lot out of this thread (& other threads in the past on ILs). Thank you for all the different perspectives!

Our oldest D has her first serious BF. She brought him home from the east coast to meet us over the summer. His family is very different from ours, and we are in very different SECs.

Who knows what he thought of us! They are still together, so I guess we did not scare him too badly! :wink:

It’s weird to me to consider he might be in our lives long term. But taking tips from the wisdom of CC, I haven’t stepped in it…yet!

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I am a new MIL (daughter just married in August), so I am still figuring out how to do this well. What I want to avoid is my mother’s approach to her DILs. She is very judgmental, and even though she claims not to be so to their faces, well, of course they can sense it. People always know these things and they respond by being critical in return.

So far, I’ve learned this: When your child has a disagreement with his/her spouse, listen, but encourage the child toward agreement with the spouse, not yourself.

When your child complains or notes a difference between the way her family of origin celebrates or does something and the way her new in-laws do it, encourage your child to embrace the difference and enjoy it.

I feel like my main job as a MIL is to support my child’s marriage and help her strengthen it.

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"NONE of these young adults, neither our kids nor their spouses, ever ask us for advice, and we have had to learn to work to refrain from offering unsolicited advice. "

We always have advice. Lots of it… I can’t help myself. But only directed to son who knows how to ignore it freely. I like to think of advice as “another viewpoint”. Like an opinion page.
(no kids yet though–will keep mouth shut unless asked).

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I am well trained to hold my tongue. I think it’s tricky navigating how close you get to your DIL or SIL. It’s another layer of further letting go your child as they begin their own family. I wonder how much of wanting to get close to DIL or SIL is really desire to hold on to one’s kid.

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I’m sure it depends. There sure isn’t a one size fits all answer… Kids very tightly bonded to their parents may want their spouses to also feel close. If they have like minded spouses, relationships with in-laws may be a priority for the couple even if the older generation would be happy to let go just a little tiny bit.

Still a fan of child led learning here, no matter how old the child.

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I’ve noticed how my son wants his GF to have my approval, as he sort of “peppers” me with statements like, “Mom, GF is here”, or other things letting me know he wants me to go out of my way to be nice and welcoming to her (for her, I’m assuming). Which I always do. I know he wants everyone to be close, which is sweet.

98

It makes me very jealous hearing some of you get gifts from your in-laws and parents. For me it has always been a one way street - me giving gifts, never on the receiving end. When my father was alive, I paid for every meal out and vacations we took together. When I was married, I used to arrange and pay for my MIL’s trips to visit us. My ex used to expect me to entertain his mother too and she used to come visit for 1-2 weeks around the holiday time.

99

I have never felt anything but cherished by my MIL. Not an ounce of judgement or intrusiveness over 28 years, just love, and happiness that her son is loved. I call her “Mom”, and have no issue doing that. Her daughter’s husband also calls her Mom. She has so warmly accepted us that it doesn’t feel weird at all, even when my own mother was alive. I can only hope I will be 1/10th of the MIL to my kids’ future spouses that she has been to me. But I think that will be easier said than done - especially holding back on sharing my “wisdom”! :smiley:

100

I have 2 delightful DILs, but they are very different. S#1’s wife and her family are very similar to us in background and personality. DIL is outgoing and animated; DIL of S#2 is quieter and less comfortable with hugs etc. But she is a real trooper, is willing to come on another family ski trip even though she had some rough experiences on the slopes with us previously. She will offer to babysit for our granddaughter (her niece) and she is wonderful with her. She even babysat for the baby all day three days before her own wedding this past summer!! So while their personalities are different and its easier to “warm up” to DS#1’s wife, they are both delightful, hard working and they love my sons, so I am happy.