I have [what I think is] a great relationship with one DIL (let’s call her M) and a less great relationship with the other (let’s call her K). Obviously I’m the same person, but each DIL is very different. M is laid back, easy-going, and comes from a background not that dissimilar to my son’s. K is very ambitious and organized, which I respect tremendously, and is from a less affluent and less educated family. My theory is that she feels as if she has to prove herself to us, or that she is somewhat embarrassed by her family. I find it odd that, when she and S got married, DH and I gave them a large financial gift, and she has never thanked us or acknowledged it in any way. (S1 did.) M, on the other had, burst into sobs of appreciation when we told her and S2 about their financial gift.
I’d like to have a closer relationship with K, but I don’t know how. Any words of wisdom? How have you navigated these new, fraught relationships??
We just have the one SIL. We get along very well with him, thankfully.
I’m wondering as far as the gift–when D and SIL got married, each handled the thankyous from their own side of the family. We’ve given larger financial gifts several times to them, and generally D thanks us for them. I don’t see this as an issue, and if it makes them both comfortable, that’ fine. I know SIL likes us and appreciates help, but at the same time, he’s very independent minded and maybe it feels a little uncomfortable for him. I wouldn’t want to compound that. It’s a non-issue for us.
So perhaps i’s not that she is not appreciative, but maybe it’s more comfortable for them both for S to convey their thanks, especially with the difference in affluence and education of families. Just a thought. If she feels that that the latter is noticed, that might make her a little distant, even though you do not mean any disparagement, which I’m sure you do not.
Edited to add–is she actually embarrassed by her family, or could it be she perceives that it’s thought that she might be, which could lead to defensiveness.
First mistake…you are comparing your two daughters in laws. You obviously like one better and this behavior will only result in a lose-lose situation.
It would be in your best interest to stopping judging K and work on accepting her for who she is and building a relationship with her. Above all, never ever talk to M about K.
I agree, maybe each adult child handled their own thank you expressions. She also may have not really wanted the financial gift and feels uncomfortable with it. Many feel that way because it implies they can’t “do it” on their own and then the receiver feels obligated and like they “owe” something to the parents. I’m certain that is not your intent but it could be how she feels.
The way to build a relationship is kindness, time and love.
I have a son-in-law and BF of D2. The SIL and I have an easy relationship, except when he talks too much or becomes too familiar with his jokes. By now he knows when I am not thrilled and he would calm down. D2’s BF and I are not quite comfortable yet. For a long time he thought he was being judged, so everything he said was very measured. The turning point was when he was invited to D1’s wedding and my family made him feel very welcomed. I see he is a bit more relaxed around me now and we could even have some interesting discussions.
VH - K could have been embarrassed by the cash gift. Have you asked S2 about how K felt about the gift? S2 probably should nudge K to acknowledge the gift. It may be helpful for K to learn how your family behave, and likewise for you to learn the same about K. Your S2 could be the bridge. At the same time, we have different relationships with different people.
My mantra is “If you make my kid happy, I like you.”
I think others have good explanations for what might be going on. She may feel that your son’s thank you was enough, or just feel a bit inferior.
I often go back to the observations in Your Spirited Child. Often a trait that annoys us say “stubbornness” can really be seen as something good like “persistance”. Also often it’s more a bad fit between your traits and the other person’s not that one is bad or good. I’ve always been amused that many of my favorite people are considered bossy, opinionated and annoying by other friends of mine. I don’t think you have to like everyone equally. And some people may grow on you. My younger’s brothers wife used to really irritate me, and she has some truly annoying habits, but in the crunch she’s been there for the family. She’s caring and insightful and fun to talk to. Sometimes relationships just need time.
I feel very lucky that we really like my younger son’s longtime girlfriend. We have been getting to know her parents for the last month, and really like them too.
If K’s family is less well off, then I could definitely imagine her being somewhat embarrassed if the gift effectively highlighted her own family’s inability to offer something similar, even though I’m sure she appreciated the money.
Although it’s no longer an issue after so many years, we are certainly well aware of the different financial resources of our parents (for example one set always pays when they take us out or go on vacation, the other set we generally pay for when we go out and either we split the bill or we pay when on vacation). That definitely led to some awkwardness at first (for example in who paid for what at the wedding), and was exacerbated by differences in religious views. Notably the two sets of parents never established any relationship: they didn’t see each other at all between our wedding and our kids HS graduation. Have you thought of building bridges with K’s parents?
My mother adored and was adored by her in-laws, so that is the relationship I expected with mine. However my MIL detested and was detested by her own in-laws and her own mother had also had a very contentious relationship with her father’s family. It probably never even occurred to her she could have a relationship with the spouse of any of her children, even though we spouses all did our very best to encourage one.
I thought I had a good relationship with my son in law of 10 years (plus 2 years of dating), but in retrospect I can see that he majorly pulled away from us and detached- before stabbing all of us in the back and leaving our lives without so much as an apology or thank you for everything we had done for him. It was a tough lesson, but we are all better off. I always tended to get pretty invested in the boyfriends/girlfriends (and truly enjoyed them), but I’m being a lot more cautious now since the breakups can be hard! We really enjoy our son’s current girlfriend, but they live in a different state so we don’t see much of her and I’ve stayed away on social media, for the most part. She went on vacation with us for a week in May and was a tremendous help and a lot of fun. She is a good balance to our intense son.
My mother was also adored by her in-laws, even after a 1950s divorce from my father and a long second marriage to my stepfather. It was all good. My mother in law didn’t seem to warm to me (and vice versa), but she passed away when my kids were fairly young. She didn’t seem to like many people, actually.
I think back to my relationship with my inlaws - both deceased now.
I was the DIL who didn’t always feel like I fit into what they wanted or were used to. They had two daughters who had very little post high school education, did not work or if they worked did not have a “career”, had their kids very young and stayed close to home and involved their parents in their daily lives and kids to a large degree.
On the other hand, I was college educated, had a career and career path, was married seven years before deciding to get pregnant, H and I settled out of town (though not far) and I was/am someone who asks for little help with raising our kids and was very organized and driven.
I always felt a twinge that they didn’t really accept all this. It often made me uncomfortable spending time with them…it was sometimes hard to relax and be myself - the self that they didn’t really relate to.
Doesn’t sound like you are doing this - but maybe make sure you are verbally giving her support for how she lives her life and drives her routine. If she is the second DIL make sure she doesn’t see DIL #1 as your type or favorite, and let her know through actions that you are interested and support her as well.
There is a saying on here about our own children, love the kid on the couch. I have 2 very different kids. One so like me and hubby, one I’m not sure how he ended up as he did. But I love him to pieces, admire his differences, etc.
My thought, if she loves your son then you love her for that. It’s probably hard for her too knowing she’s different than all of you. You have no idea how the gift was received, but you were thanked. All I can say is keep trying, but don’t push it. She may not want the same relationship that you do. Or she may, but have no idea how to do it. I’m sure she’s very aware how well you get along with the other one. And it’s just human nature to be drawn to some people more than others. As long as you treat her nicely and are interested in her life you’ll be okay.
OP, with all love and kindness, I expect that your “understanding” is part of the difficulty. You have made the leap that because K is from a family with a different background, she is necessarily embarassed by that difference. Why? Do we suppose your son’s MIL is posting " I understand that his family is into material things and only have book learning and academics, so he must feel awkward around us and our practical skills"?
Love her for who she is. Don’t compare her. Don’t assess her. As a practical suggestion, try doing something together that she enjoys. I am the “less than” DIL and I know I can’t compare to the golden girl, but I feel like I am appreciated for the happiness I’ve brought to her son. That’s enough for me, and my MIL.
@greenbutton I like what you said. I also noticed OP leaping to the “difference” of K’s family background. I found that slightly offensive. People may grow up poor but what they do or how they behave doesn’t necessarily originate from poverty. Maybe she is just an independent person grow up rich or poor that she knows she will never agree with anyone about everything.
Do the DIL’s live near you, or are they far away? In terms of forming a relationship, look for something you two have in common, rather than the differences. If she doesn’t want to talk about her family, don’t push it. As some have mentioned, she may have conflicted feelings about money as well as about how she does or does not fit in with your side of the family.
She is probably just a different personality type, more reserved, maybe taught to be more respectful to her elders. You can be more easygoing with her yourself and take the initiative. Talk about your family instead of asking about hers. Share some embarrassing stories from S2’s childhood
I am ‘K’! When I married my H (more than 2 decades ago) I joined a family that is much more affluent, and much more highly educated, much more openly affectionate and openly loving (a cultural difference) than the one in which I grew up. Then, as I do now to some lesser degree, I felt unworthy. H’s family are very wealthy, and while they don’t ‘splash the cash’, they do give large gifts. When they do gift us, or our kids, I am very appreciative of their generosity, and thank them appropriately, but it is not my nature to be effusive and gushing in demonstrating appreciation, and on a personal level, I feel very uncomfortable. My family could never match such largesse and I am aware of that, and so I sometimes find it embarrassing…On the other hand, my SIL comes from a family that make’s H’s family look ‘poor’… I wonder how she feel when she receives gifts? LOL!
Mr R thanked his side of the family for gifts and I thanked mine.
I can only tell you what doesn’t work with Mr R’s family where none of the DILs get along with the in laws:
Don’t ever talk about one SIL to another, especially in a derogatory way.
Don’t try to change her. Not being relaxed just might be her personality.
Don’t talk negatively about her to your son.
Don’t make assumptions.
Don’t compare the two.
Do:
Talk to her about her life and interests.
Continue to include her in family functions.
Accept that you may just be closer with one DIL. And that’s ok.
We are not geographically close to anyone, sadly. When we see her, of course we are warm and gracious, and I frequently try to “collude” with her about what gifts to get my son for his b’day, etc.
When I was shopping for a wedding dress for their wedding, I sent her a couple of links so I could hear her opinion. One was for a ~$450 dress from Nordstrom. According to my son, she was upset because her mother could never afford something like that. So I fell back and let her mother pick her dress first, and then found something that blended.
Their wedding was close to our location, so in addition to the standard stuff like the rehearsal dinner, I also wound up doing a lot of things that the MOG typically doesn’t do – scouting out locations; having the MOB, FOB and matron of honor’s entire family for dinner; arranging local hair and nail appointments for her; holding the day-after brunch; hosting her mother and aunt several months earlier as they discussed/planned the decorations, etc. The day after the wedding, as they were leaving for the honeymoon, my son thanked DH and me profusely for all we had done for them. DIL didn’t say anything.
I just find it odd. I continue to try to create bridges. Maybe the upcoming grandbaby will help.
According to my sister, who has had DILs for ~20 years or so, sometimes it can take as long as a decade to get to really click with a DIL!
