Relationship with Sons/Daughters-in-Law

Parent Cafe
21

In my case, S thanked our side and DIL thanked her side for their wedding gifts. S is the one we talk to on the phone, but DIL and I will email about gifts for S and GD or about visits to each other’s homes.

I can sense that DIL is somewhat uncomfortable about what we can gift them and GD as opposed to what her family can do. She did thank us personally for the wedding gift we gave them, and was grateful for us opening a 529 for GD, but those aren’t things her family can do. We try to be mindful of that.

We’re both relatively shy, but our family is certainly louder than her family. Because they live long distance, when we visit each other it’s for several days. I know she needs her alone time and don’t feel insulted if she hangs out in the BR for awhile.

Having only one DIL at this point, there’s noone else to compare her to. She’s been my DIL for 3 years, but they dated for 6 years before then - we met her 5 years before they got married, but they’ve never lived locally so contacts were brief and infrequent.

22

My mother never felt she had a relationship with one of my sisters-in-law and talked about it with me and my father quite a bit. After 20 years in our family, when my mother had an incapacitating stroke, SIL made a point to spend time with my mother and create special occasions for her, and when Mother died, she gave a lovely and heart felt speech about her MIL, the best MIL anyone ever had… this from a woman who probably never thanked my mother to her face for a present in her life. You really never know. Good luck.

Eta, Once visiting brother and sister-in-law, she was talking about wedding planning for her much younger brother and said she had advised her own mother to send an engagement present to the bride to be, the same gift my mother had sent to her years earlier and for which she had never thanked Mother. She told me how much it had meant to her at the time. Who knew? Certainly a surprise to me.

23

I hear an undertone of “we gave you money and you aren’t grateful enough”. I expect that, like many young couples today, he is charged with thank yous for joint gifts from his family, and she is for her family. I wouldn’t read any more into it. I really try to let go of worrying about how gifts I give are perceived — as long as I know it arrived, I don’t look for a specific reaction. Don’t nurse a secret grudge on this.

Love my new SIL — he is one of the kindest people I have ever met. D2 doesn’t have an SO at the moment, but I can see how she might bring home someone “interesting” at some point.

24

I’m K.
I married into a family that doesn’t talk, hug or communicate very well.

My in-laws were educated and wealthy.
Around them, I felt insecure and tried very hard to get along with both parents.
(My MIL even told me that she didn’t feel I was good enough for her son. I ignored her comments for the sake of my husband and children. But I digress, in that, your situation is a little different.)

My husband, God love him, was clueless about her comments (nutty professor-type),but he loves my big, loud, ethnic family and prefers time with them rather than his own twin!

I think that my parents often told my husband- “thank you for making our daughter ? happy”, “thank you for loving our daughter”. When my father was still alive, he would introduce my Hubby (to neighbors, friends, etc) as, “this is my son . . . Andy Taylor, he ‘belongs to’ Aunt Bea”.

The point being, K may not outwardly show her insecurities, but I know she has them. So, don’t go overboard with your comments.

Do occasionally let her know/acknowledge her by saying sincere comments. Her personality may not be ready to “warm up”to you but she’ll never forget your comments: “thank you for making him so happy.” “You are so good for our son.” “He made the right choice with you.” “I love that you make him so happy”. Etc.

Never bring up anything “financial”. It will be a sticking point.
Make some baby gifts. (Or go to a craft fair and find some “homemade” items). Good luck!

25

Expectations - Observations = Frustration

OP, you are frustrated because you have an expectation of something that you are not observing in your dil. I think you sincerely wish the relationship were different, but you cannot will that to happen.

I have this issue with my own ds (no SO yet). And, I know I was feeling this way when he was home just this week for Thanksgiving. I wish he were more communicative, I wish he expressed more gratitude, I wish he would pick up a restaurant tab now that he is launched, I wish he hugged me more often, etc, etc. Don’t get me wrong - he’s a great young man! He is appreciative, he does hug me, he does call every week. But, I know when I get too needy in these ways he can “sense” that I am disapppinted. My need for more makes him feel I have unreasonable expectations, and it strains our relationship. It’s a perpetuating cycle, but I can control it by lowering my expectations. Focus on the good qualities she has. I am reminding myself to remember this when I see him at Christmas!

So, I would say to lower your expectations and stop wishing for her to be different than she is. You will only continue to be frustrated. Agree with others to “love the kid on the couch.”

26

I am the only DIL. For many years, I had a close relationship with my MIL, but I don’t know if it was the one she wanted. She encouraged me to call her Mom or by her first name, but I felt uncomfortable with that, so I generally refer to her as Grandma. It feels kind of odd to me that D’s bf of 2 years calls her by her first name and that she loves it! I still call her Grandma, as do my kids.

When my SIL moved back in with her mom after divorcing, it put a real damper on our relationship. My SIL is a toxic person and I can’t compete with a mother’s love for her D. MIL and I used to go out together several times a month, just to Costco or the like, but once SIL came home, it was no longer fun and I just pulled back. I know Grandma is grateful to me for a couple of things I have done and that SIL hates me for the same things, which involve financial moves intended to provide for MIL in her old age and protect her money from her D, who is a substance abuser. I have taken charge of MIL’s finances and oversee her medical care and the like.

I may not call her every day or even week or tell her I love her or hug and kiss her when I see her, but I feel that I do my part to demonstrate how important she is to the life of my family by the tangible things that I do to make sure that she has food, shelter, medical care and 24/7 home health aides. I am not a physically demonstrative person so for people that are, like my MIL, I may be off-putting.

I don’t have kids in law yet, but oldest son has had the same gf for 10 years and D the same bf for almost 3 years. S’ gf is very shy and reminds me of a lazy, unmotivated version of myself. She is not physically demonstrative and that doesn’t bother me in the least, in fact, I prefer it to the way D’s bf, whose FOO is not American, is always hugging everyone, including H and my sons. He has seemingly picked up on (or D had told him) of my preference not to be hugged all the time. Other than that, I adore him. In terms of money, H and I are the wealthy parents compared to S’s gf’s family. Her dad is deceased and her mom is in a nursing home after a devastating stroke in her 40’s. She lives with her grandma, a retired government employee. D’s bf’s family is more like ours in terms of education (3 out of the 4 parents are lawyers and the last is a mental health professional) but I think they are wealthier than us. I spent a couple of weeks with D, bf and his parents this past summer and his mom and I both grew up very poor in our respective countries and have worked hard to do better for our children. We bonded over that. I feel like my D would have a wonderful MIL situation if she married this young man and a far better SIL deal than I have as well.

Bottom line - K may naturally be less demonstrative than M. It’s like the book, Five Languages of Love, which I think applies to every relationship, not just marital. OP may prefer being shown the affection of her children and children in law in her dominant language. It seems M may speak that language and that K does not. I realized after reading the book that my language differs from H’s and 4/5 kids, as well as MIL’s. I try to accommodate to accept their differences and work to adjust myself to theirs as much as possible.

27

My sister really goes overboard with her DIL. She tells everyone the DIL is another daughter to her. My niece would “jokingly” say, “No, I am your only daughter. She is the DIL.” The first xmas we spent together, my sister called all of us up to let us know we really upset the DIL because we didn’t pay enough attention to her and didn’t hug her when we said good-bye. Hmm…we are not huggers and we don’t warm up to people right away. We have seen her at few of our family vacations, so we are more used to each other now.

28

“When I was shopping for a wedding dress for their wedding, I sent her a couple of links so I could hear her opinion. One was for a ~$450 dress from Nordstrom. According to my son, she was upset because her mother could never afford something like that. So I fell back and let her mother pick her dress first, and then found something that blended.”

This is a massive red flag. She is clearly embarrassed about the financial differences between your family and hers and could very well feel that you are trying to use your wealth (including the wedding gift) to pull her towards your family (and implicitly away from hers). Incidentally my parents paid for our reception which made my wife’s parents feel quite awkward (and to some extent contributed to them not really getting along), but I don’t think even they would have dreamt about offering wedding dress suggestions.

What is your relationship with her parents? Do they resent you paying for more than your traditional “share” of the wedding (that’s quite possible IMO)? If you built bridges there it might help them to be more positive in their conversations with their daughter.

29

Are there any political differences between the two clans?

30

@intparent I don’t hear that at all. This isn’t about money but more about closeness.

@VeryHappy Like I said…you and DIL are who you are. You are kind and caring. How different folks respond is just different.

31

Mmm. That is the example given. Seems to be the one that sticks in the OP’s mind.

32

It’s really hard to try to understand people. Who knows why the one dil behaves the way she does. She might be shy, she might feel inferior, she might just expect that because you can that you will gift them things (I have a relative like that). We could speculate all day about a persons motivation.

But I guess you just have to accept that this dil will probably not give you warm fuzzies.

I am the dil that gets along with my mil better. I thank her when she does stuff for me, I answer the phone when she calls (or call back when I can). I don’t complain about her son. My mil appreciates these things. Now I think these actions are dil behavior 101 but her other dil does not.

My own dil is very, very different than me. I like her and my son is very happy. I don’t think we will ever be great friends. It’s ok.

33

“This isn’t about money but more about closeness.”

OP feels (at least subliminally) that her gift of money should have created more closeness. DIL feels resentful that OP is trying to “buy” closeness. DIL’s parents probably feel jealous that they relied on OP to pay for (more of) the wedding and that OP trod all over their relationship with their daughter with the wedding dress issue. If DIL’s parents continue to have negative feelings towards OP then DIL is unlikely to want to get closer, since that would be a rejection of her parents.

34

What I do like about my SIL and his family is they never begrudge D1 in having “nicer” things than SIL when growing up. SIL would sometimes make fun of what he had vs D1 sometimes. D1 and her H’s incomes are much higher than his parents, and they live differently than his parents. Instead of being jealous, his parents are just very happy for them. They enjoy hearing all of their trips around the world (his father has never been out of this country) and how they are decorating their apartment. In turn, D1 enjoys visiting them very much. D1 is planning a trip with them to Italy and Ireland next year.

I remember the first time D1 visited them, her then BF told the parents that D1 didn’t eat cheese or eggs, but would like steak and salad. The mother served cheese and macaroni because she didn’t think it had that much cheese. :slight_smile: Bless both of them…D1 just pushed it around her plate and ate the salad. Her BF made an excuse of going out for drinks, but instead took D1 to a restaurant for dinner. I think they now have it down pack on what kind of food to have when they come up to visit.

35

My child shared with me that the partner felt very awkward accepting our holiday gift because it was more than their parent could give. My child said to partner- it’s a gift, accept it graciously. They lived far from us so we never formed a bond (they have now broken up) but my plan was to have a dialogue with them about gifts and make sure they understood it was just that, a gift, and not a power play or meant to show off I had more money than someone else.

My mil never liked me so I know the relationship can be difficult.

36

@oldfort you have a great sil! I don’t really understand paying more than one’s share for a wedding. Can they not have a more modest wedding that the bride can afford? Unless the bride wanted one.

37

I grew up watching my own mother be polite, but coldly distant from her mother-in-law. I somehow internalized that as the appropriate approach to in-laws and, sadly, that was my mode of interaction for years with my mother-in-law. Luckily, as I matured through my 30s (slow learner!) I realized that my mother’s model was the problem - she didn’t like her inlaws (they did things differently than her family) and remained distant to them. My mother-in-law was constant, taking me at whatever level I presented and I’m happy that we eventually developed an easy relationship. The added benefit was developing a close relationship with my sister-in-law and her husband. The self-discovery really taught me a lesson in appreciating people for what they are, not how I think they should be.

38

I think the OP is justified in expecting thanks from the DIL for a large monetary gift. Something like that deserves thanks from both the son and his wife, in my opinion. I understand the reasons it might not have happened, but I completely empathize with the OP.

39

^^^^ Oops. Guilty of having DH alone thank his parents for large monetary gifts and for me taking on the sole responsibility of similarly thanking my parents. It never occurred to me that a one-sided “thanks” from the family unit I considered DH and myself to be could be read wrong.

40

^^ Depending on the relationship, maybe it’s fine. Maybe the son says, “K and I are just thrilled with the gift. She is just bowled over by your generosity” or something. Geez- I don’t know. Everyone is different. I know I would have gotten on the phone back in the day and expressed my own thanks.