I think some of you may have misunderstood about the “wedding dress.” I don’t believe the OP was talking about the bride’s dress but about her own mother-of-the-groom dress. Having recently been the MOG, I was very careful to let the MOB choose her dress first, but I consulted frequently with the bride to be sure I was looking at something appropriate, i.e. short/long, not same color as bridesmaids.
OP, I think it will just take time for you to get to know each other, especially since you do not live near. Even my own two children are different as night and day–my S never met a a stranger and my D is an introvert and does not show excitement. I say he is like a dog and she is like a cat. lol Just treat both DILs the same and always take the high road, even if your feelings get hurt.
I guess you are right. OP wouldn’t send a link of a dress for the bride to wear. I don’t send any dress link even to my own daughter unless I am asked to.
Everyone is different. Families are different. It’s important not to jump to conclusions, but to just accept what is & assume that all is well. Because usually, it is. When it isn’t, there isn’t much we can do other than be ourselves and hope for the best. @VeryHappy , I encourage you to just figure your DIL thought your S’s thanks was for both of them.
My mom had an awful MIL (because the MIL was also an awful mom to my dad). My mom was gracious and kind to the awful MIL, who treated her badly. When my brother married a woman my parents didn’t much like, neither of my parents was an awesome in law - but they weren’t awful, either. They tolerated my SIL, I guess. When they were ill, my SIL was wonderful to them. I don’t think she ever realized how they felt, and I am glad. My own MIL is a wonderful woman, but she absolutely seems to favor her D and D’s family over my H and our family. She is good and kind to us, though, so it is what it is. Relationships are complicated, and when someone plops into another family’s life after so many years of being wrapped up in their own family dynamic, it’s not always simple and easy. Be kind, accepting and supportive.
It’s a mistake to assume your DIL feels she has to “prove” herself to you. Relationships are a two way street, and your DIL is making judgments about your behavior just as much as you’re making judgments about hers. Since there’s a grandchild on the way, I’d spend some time thinking about how she might be interpreting your behavior and attitudes.
Why do you think she might be “embarrassed” by her family? Do you think that being less educated or less wealthy is something to be embarrassed about? I wouldn’t assume that your DIL is intimidated by either your income or your education, or that she’s worrying about how you’re going to judge her. It’s possible that she was brought up to believe that thanks may be given by one half of a couple for both, and that the proper expression of thanks is the same for a $10 gift as for one worth 10x as much. You’re welcome to think differently, but if she’s picking up that you disapprove of her family’s beliefs you’re going to have a difficult time getting close to her.
You seem very concerned about money – who has it, how much is spent, and by whom, and how much appreciation is shown for it – and in some circles that amount of concern is unseemly. Why do we need to know your wedding gift was a “large” amount of money? Or that M “burst into sobs of appreciation” for her/S2’s wedding gift and S1 “thanked (you and DH) profusely” for your help with their wedding? I’d be uncomfortable by such over the top shows of appreciation, especially from my own child. It would probably help if you quit keeping a scorecard of how much you spend, which half of the couple thanks you, and how effusive the show of thanks is.
If you want to get closer to your DIL, you may want to be a bit more sensitive. You had to have some idea of what her family could contribute to the wedding. Instead of sending her links to dresses – with the prices – you could have just sent photos. She could give her opinion without knowing the cost. You could have given her money and let her make her own hair and nail appointments instead of arranging them for her, and you could have given the couple money to pay for the day after brunch so it wasn’t obvious that you were paying for those things. With a grandchild on the way it’s even more important not to overshadow the other set of parents.
“Their wedding was close to our location, so in addition to the standard stuff like the rehearsal dinner, I also wound up doing a lot of things that the MOG typically doesn’t do – scouting out locations; having the MOB, FOB and matron of honor’s entire family for dinner; arranging local hair and nail appointments for her; holding the day-after brunch; hosting her mother and aunt several months earlier as they discussed/planned the decorations, etc. The day after the wedding, as they were leaving for the honeymoon, my son thanked DH and me profusely for all we had done for them. DIL didn’t say anything.”
Did the bride ask for all this help or did she feel obligated/forced into taking it? Plenty of people have weddings and do their own hair/nails and have weddings without a day-after brunch.
My husband has a great relationship with my folks. A couple times during our marriage, my folks have gifted “us” a decent amount of money. I’m the one who thanked them not my husband because clearly, as their child, the gift was really to me. The gift would not be forthcoming to my husband if he wasn’t my spouse so, although the money helped us as a couple, it was really a gift to me, their child.
Honestly, I personally would find a reaction where one “burst into sobs of appreciation” a little over the top and melodramatic but maybe that’s just my personality. Personality styles definitely come into play.
I think people are being overly judgmental, and I am not sure how it is being helpful. There is no need to twist everything OP posted.
Because it is just easier to send a link rather than download the picture and then send it. It is what we usually do when we want to show someone a picture - a link. Not sure why someone would be so sensitive. If it was out of your price range then just be gracious and say, “how lovely.” My daughter sent her MIL a link to my dress, and we had absolutely no issue there. I came from a poor family, but I didn’t have a chip on my shoulder that everyone needed to watch what they said/did in front of me.
It is easier to give money, but it is a lot more thoughtful and time consuming to make the arrangement. It is rather tacky to give someone money so they could get their hair and nail done - it says, “you can’t afford it, so I need to pay for it.”
Again, it is more thoughtful to arrange all of that rather than just give someone a check.
It is really how you spin it. Not sure why you need to make OP into a valiant here.
I agree, oldfort. I thought the OP’s comments showed a desire to build the relationship and a willingness to listen to the experiences of others. I don’t think she needed a lecture or to have her assessment of the situation, which she is in the best position to understand, get attacked by those who want to spin things negatively.
The best way to have a good relationship is just to accept the DIL as she is, and always assume the best intent. I know that you already know that, @VeryHappy - so go with your heart.
I agree that the OP would like to build a better relationship with her DIL. I disagree that, when asked for advice, that it is lecturing to read her own posts and see that they describe almost all monetary and class issues. I think she is aware of this, so giving advice to move away from those kinds of reactions and assumptions, given the class difference she describes, is not attacking or spinning. It, to me. It is her best chance for a good relationship.
Sure, you can give the advice that they’re just different people who may never be close. How is that helpful? She didn’t ask for acceptance; she asked for advice.
MY DIL was very young when she married S and had G’Son. It was very awkward and not very satisfying to spend time with her. Fast forward 6 yrs and we are now close. She is closer to her own family and that is as it should be. I purposely spent time alone with her–pedi’s, a shopping trip, lunch and so on. I separated her from being a wife and a mother for a few hours each visit. She came to hang out with me in the kitchen talking about her effort to get her undergrad degree and go to medical school. I gave a ton of support (she is now interviewing for her residency :D).
I think that I figured out how to fill a gap in her life–as great (and they are) as her family is she was never the special one. No special attention especially alone. It took time and thought and letting go of her not saying thank you. I truly never believed we would be close. I love her to pieces and am super lucky that my D has supported the attention I have given to DIL. I think S has also and he has become a little closer (for him :P). I, also, verbally tell them what amazing parents they are to G’Son. None of this was necessarily my style but I did learn over the first few years.
One quirk about DIL and now S is that they do not give gifts. I have received a cell phone cover and mug with G’Son’s picture on it and that is the sum total. It bothered us at first but, shrug, she likes us and that is the best gift ever. OP just keep trying and I will bet on you and a good relationship to come.
My husband and I come from very different backgrounds. His family all prep school, and college grads. My family, mostly blue color workers, and I am the only college graduate my generation and older (all of the younger ones have degrees and advanced degrees).
My in-laws were very generous to us over the years…because they could be…and we appreciated their generousity. My parents didn’t have the same financial resources…and frankly, it didn’t matter.
I have a wonderful son in law. Kind, caring, and he adores our daughter. His family is kind and wonderful too. My DIL is more reserved and that’s fine. We enjoy him as he is.
I think @VeryHappy is giving some examples…but I bet these are not the only interactions she has had with both of these young women.
Correct, the links I sent to DIL were for dresses for me to wear, not for her to wear. Goodness. The woman can choose her own wedding dress, and all I’d ever say is, Gorgeous!
Just another clarification: My son and DIL paid for the wedding itself all on their own. DIL has been on her own since she graduated from HS. She put herself through college and grad school, all the way through to a doctorate. I am in awe of her brains and ambition.
In fact, I asked my DS once, “How did you get such a beautiful, smart ambitious woman to fall in love with you?” He answered, “I have no idea!” All in jest, of course. I think my son is pretty terrific too.
And, another clarification: I arranged the nail and hair appointments because this is where I live and I know the local vendors. I did not pay for them – just figured out who could do it and made the appointments, after letting her know what they could do.
I understood it was your dress, not hers. But it included the price tag. Of course that wasn’t your intention. The arrangements, they didn’t include you paying. But every example is money or the favor you did. Plus now is the first time byou mentioned how educated she is
Look, maybe I’m off base, but I really believe, from what you’ve posted, that some sincere self-reflection about what message you possibly could be sending - inadvertently-- might help your closeness.
Different people have different customs. Maybe it’s just my background, but given that they paid for their own wedding and they paid for the nail/hair appointments (that you called and made), your contributions to their wedding sound kind but not in any way out of the ordinary or over-the-top. Making some calls, scouting venues, hosting out of town guests are very nice things to do so please don’t misinterpret, but those are normal things people do, not necessarily meriting tears of gratitude. Just pointing it out since it sounded like you felt the DIL was ungrateful for your outsized contribution.
Of course the couple should thank you for whatever help you give - that’s a given. But it’s also reasonable that their arrangement is that your son handles thanking you and she handles the main communication with her family. That’s not a slight on her part, just a different way of viewing who manages what relationship.
I agree you have to let DIL ‘K’ be herself. She’s not the same as ‘M’ and maybe ‘M’ is just naturally more like you. It’s an easier fit. You have to do things like the nail appointments because you want to, and not because you expect or need a thank you. Do you know how they used the wedding gift money or how theysplit up the wedding thank you notes? Maybe she did all for her side and he did those for his relatives? (I agree she could have added a note or told you in person, but maybe she thought he had covered it?)
You can’t change the DIL, so you’ll have to change how you view the relationship. If you always do things with your son and husband when together, think about something you could do with just her. Lunch, shopping, a sip and paint class? Teach her bridge or knitting. Cook together.
I may be in the clueless camp, but I am not sure why OP needs to reflect on message she could possibly be sending. She gave a generous cash gift, which many of us do when our kids get married, and she thought she would get a thank-you from the recipients. If the gift was just for her son, I could understand why K wouldn’t have to show her appreciation, but the gift was for both of them. Not sure why K is given a pass and OP is told to reflect.
"Not sure why K is given a pass and OP is told to reflect. "
K isn’t given a pass - K isn’t asking about how to have a better relationship. OP is asking how to have a better relationship. Since OP can’t control K and can only control herself, people are offering perspectives on different ways OP can choose to interpret and understand the situation since her current interpretation is making her feel slighted and unhappy. OP can continue to feel slighted and unhappy (since again, she has little chance of changing K) or she can try to view things differently and see how she can contribute to a better relationship.
IOW, OP can be “right” or she can make it work… part of making it work might be realizing there are different, legit ways to view some of the “slights.”