Report: Majority Of Americans Unprepared For Apocalypse

Parent Cafe
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<p>WASHINGTON, DC—Over 87 percent of Americans are unprepared to protect themselves from even the most basic world-ending scenarios, according to a study released Monday by the nonpartisan doomsday think-tank The Malthusian Institute.</p>

<p>Despite “more than ample warning” for the most likely means of worldwide destruction, less than one million American households have taken even the simplest precautions against nuclear shockwaves, asteroid impact, or a host of angels bearing swords of fire, the study concluded.
Enlarge ImageReport: Majority Of Americans Unprepared For Apocalypse</p>

<p>Millions remain vulnerable to the all-devouring terror of Jesus’ wrath (file photo).</p>

<p>“Our survey of households in seven U. S. regions demonstrated that few citizens have bothered to equip themselves with fireproof suits and extinguishers to deal with volcanic upheaval, solar flares, or the Lord’s purifying flame,” Malthusian Institute director James Olheiser said. “Almost no one is prepared for a sudden shift in the Earth’s polarity or the eating of the Sun and moon by evil wolves Skol and Hati during Ragnarok.”</p>

<p>Olheiser added: “All in all, America gets an ‘F’ for end-of-the-world preparedness.”</p>

<p>The study examined nearly 1,200 doomsday scenarios and detailed the most glaring gaps in average Americans’ ability to survive them. One of the few survival measures that fulfills the Institute’s recommendations for most catastrophes—natural, manmade, or spiritual—is a mile-deep, lead-lined subterranean vault built to shield a pre-selected breeding group of humans until they can safely return to the planet’s surface. However, only two American citizens, both in Idaho, were found to have begun even the most cursory planning stages of this kind of race-preserving chamber.</p>

<p>“Even assuming someone eventually developed an above-ground super-house able to withstand the 1,200-degree temperature and massive force of lava and ash rain that would result from a globe-shattering asteroid impact, its occupants would be unprepared for the ensuing radical climate change,” Olheiser said. “By the same token, the average household lacks the 1.2 million gallons of heating oil needed to withstand the prolonged sub-zero temperatures of another protracted Ice Age—perhaps the most shocking of the public’s many oversights.”</p>

<p>In the years after World War II, fallout shelters and stocks of canned goods were common in many American homes. However, as Malthusian Institute figures suggest, while public fears of world-ending scenarios grew more sophisticated, the level of preparation inexplicably dropped.</p>

<p>“America is at its lowest level of apocalyptic preparedness since the early 1950s,” Olheiser said.</p>

<p>“Naturally, we’re very concerned about the safety of our city’s residents,” said Billings, MT mayor Ron Tussing whose city was faulted in the study for lackadaisical endtimes-response policy. “But people can’t expect the government to do everything. In the event of, say, the eruption of the supervolcano under Yellowstone National Park, or a torrential rain of boiling blood, citizens realize they’re on their own.”</p>

<p>For more, see: <a href=“The Onion | America's Finest News Source.”>The Onion | America's Finest News Source.;

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<p>Not bad for the Onion although I like the Deadbeat Granddads one more.</p>

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<p>It tickles the heck out of me every time I read it. :)</p>

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<p>I am working on a rocket that will transport my son to another planet when Earth is destroyed. That is really the only thing that will work. Even a mile deep lead-lined tunnel won’t help you if the Earth is blown to pieces and totally destroyed. </p>

<ul>
<li>Jor-El</li>
</ul>

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<p>I’ve got my duct tape - bring it on!</p>

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<p>Everything will be fine as long as we still have Dancing with the Stars.</p>

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<p>One of the founders of the Onion, which began here in Madison, spoke on campus last year. Apparently they first come up with the headline and then write the story around it. The Onion is one of Madison’s two main free papers. Comes out every Wednesday morning.</p>

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<p>wouldn’t you rather read about [Pixie Dust ?](<a href=“http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/features/politics/61725”>http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/features/politics/61725&lt;/a&gt;)</p>

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<p>My all-time favourite Onion:
<a href=“The Onion | America's Finest News Source.”>The Onion | America's Finest News Source.;

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<p>It’s all Bush’s fault.</p>

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<p>I’m lucky enough to get the paper copy of the Onion now (God bless Madison!). I really enjoyed a little snipet on a mathematical housing add (reference number was pi written out to x digits) this week as well as the cartoon in memorum of Steve Irwin. The deadbeat granddad one was great too!</p>

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<p>Ok, I got the message.</p>

<p>The above was directly taken from ‘The Onion’. They wrote it, not me.</p>

<p>‘The Onion’ is a business and they want you to visit their website and buy from their advertizers. This is how they make money. If they don’t make money they go out of business. ‘The Onion’ does not like it when you copy over their parodies, even if it’s a fair use of material, to BBSs like this one.</p>

<p>My apologies to ‘The Onion’.</p>

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<p>This new one is of much greater interest to cc:</p>

<p>Florida State University To Phase Out Academic Operations By 2010</p>

<p>September 14, 2006 | Onion Sports</p>

<p>SARASOTA, FL—Bowing to pressure from alumni, students, and a majority of teaching professors of Florida State University, athletic director Dave Hart Jr. announced yesterday that FSU would completely phase out all academic operations by the end of the 2010 school year in order to make athletics the school’s No. 1 priority. “It’s been clear for a while that Florida State’s mission is to provide the young men and women enrolled here with a world-class football program, and this is the best way to cut the fat and really focus on making us No. 1 every year,” Hart said. “While it’s certainly possible for an academic subsidiary to bring a certain amount of prestige to an athletic program, the national polls have made it that our non-athletic operations have become a major distraction.” FSU’s restructuring program will begin with the elimination of the College of Arts and Sciences, effective October 15.</p>

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<p>Old news. That was posted yesterday.</p>

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<p>NJRes - That is a great solution (the rocket). Perhaps he’ll go to a planet with gravity less than earth and thus have superpowers. The one downside is the Earthonite will weaken his powers.</p>

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<p>I don’t know what they are talking about in that article.</p>

<p>In my garage is a nice, sharp, shiny shovel to dig the hole and an 8x4 sheet of plywood to pull over my head. What else what I need to do?</p>

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<p>3/4" or 5/8"? </p>

<p>Got to have 3/4" or better… :)</p>

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<p>Ariesathena, that article from the Onion you posted was a scream!</p>