The roommate may or may not be mentally ill. That being said , he may still be dangerous. IMO, if a male child felt compelled to tell his parents about his experiences and concerns it has probably escalated to the point that it needs to be addressed. OPs child is not a Freshman who has not had roommates in the past( if I remember correctly) He knows what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior . Too often people are told to disregard their instincts or their “gut” for fear of offending someone .
While I agree with the instinct to want to protect your kid, and be concerned for the well-being of everyone, to me I wonder if this isn’t getting blown out of proportion? What was the item thrown, and where? I could imagine it was a baby blanket, perhaps OP’s kid was being a neat freak and wouldn’t leave the room unless it was folded a certain way. Imagine further roommate was having a bad day stressing about an exam, and kid had perhaps made an unflattering comment when he left, I could see a situation where this is easily addressed by the RA. The relationship between them is undoubtedly more complex than we can know.
As a parent, we can give advice, perhaps a suggestion to discuss this with the RA is enough, but if it is more complex, then suggest they escalate it further. But as a parent, we also trust our kids to make decisions for themselves.
Honestly, if the boys are sophomores it makes the situation more puzzling. It’s one thing to have bad luck with a freshman roommate. But, since OP’s son is a sophomore presumably he knew the roommate before this year. Did they recently have a falling out about something? Did the roommate’s behavior change drastically recently? Do they have mutual friends who are also concerned?
I don’t doubt that there is currently a problem and I completely agree that OP’s son should not have to live in a situation where he is insulted and criticized. But, I also feel like there is more to this story.
@deega123 Just out of curiosity, why would OPs child necessarily have the same roommate? I don’t have any children in college yet, but do they routinely keep the same roommate?
Well, I’m going to point out that you’re only hearing one side of the story. Things may have happened just as your child said. They may not have. Roomie may have a very different story. So, do what you can to get them apart, and that starts with the RA. Report any behavior you see as a red flag to the staff person above the RA.
This year, my daughter was accused of being “so dirty” that she was making her roommate sick and roommate had to move out without undergoing any of the processes spelled out in the handbook. Four people live in a small space. It’s messy, but certainly not dirty enough to cause health issues. And if it was, my daughter, who suffers from severe allergy and asthma, probably would have had some symptoms.
All I’m saying make sure you’ve got all the facts.
Not necessarily though some do. I can think of a few scenarios in which the roommates didn’t know each other at all. Random lottery housing for kids who didn’t match up with a roommate, or transfer students, for example.
@carolinamom2boys Most freshman get the opportunity to choose who they live with the next year. As OHMom mentioned there are circumstances where sophomores may not know each other but it is not common.
How about this:
“I want to move.”
“Why?”
“Because my roommate is nuts. I mean really, as I think she has a mental disorder and is abusive to me and I’m not willing to put up with it.”
There, it’s been reported and student moves.
I’d avoid using the word nuts. Describe behavior, don’t apply labels.
It’s really important not to act in a “politically correct” manner ever. If a label is appropriate, it should always be applied.
The roommate sounds hostile, and I take the throwing of the object and then telling your student about it to be a very angry and almost threatening gesture. I agree with others who suggest that your student get out of the situation ASAP. He should call the counseling center for support and advice. He should also speak to his RA and if no change happens, contact residential life. Ditto in using the phrases "I don’t fee
In these days of rampant campus violence, I think most universities are taking the “see something, say something” approach. I would advise my student to be very clear about why he/she is requesting a move - in writing. Certain students can be “tagged” by the health and security services and they can identify patterns in their behavior. Back in my college days, a graduate student in my building was acting bizarrely and, although the residents tallked among themselves and called her “crazy”, no one said anything to the administration. Unfortunately, she went on to shoot several kids in an elementary classroom.
@osaycanuc Any update?
@megpmom Wow. An adult female shooting kids in an elementary school. That has to be rare.
@justonedad What is surprising to me is that with all the current school shootings, etc, that one never hears about Laurie Dann. She was bat-s**t crazy and still managed to get her hands on guns. But it was 1988 and I guess everyone just thought it could never happen again!
@megpmom, @JustOneDad Yesterday, I drafted the following but didn’t post: “Sounds like Laurie Dann. Except when I googled her, she never graduated college.” I’ve heard of her because I grew up in the same area, but did not live there at the time.
She lived in the grad student housing at NU. We assumed that she had enrolled in classes and then dropped them. In any event, she was in university housing. (She also dropped off her poisoned goodies at my H’s fraternity)
Sorry to derail the thread, but I think kids need to report any strange (potentially violent) behaviors.
Thanks to everyone for their thoughts. Two follow ups:
- I contacted the college counseling center and thankfully got a prompt return call. They described a "care network" type of set up and reviewed the resources our student has to address this issue. Our student reports things are calmer this week, and we reviewed resources available to assist with the situation and are insisting that the RA be informed what has been occurring. We have also discussed what are "red flags" in terms of behaviors to watch out for.
- I happened to be doing some other psychology related reading and came across a list of "unhealthy anger" behaviors, of which 9 of the 10 listed behaviors were items our student had described to us. So, I think there is a legitimate concern. (And thanks for all of your feedback, which largely affirms this.)
In response to some of your questions, the two students did know each other last year and have been good friends. Our student knew that there were some insecurity issues and that the roommate had a difficult relationship with last year’s roommate, but thought since they were friends and seemed to get along well it would not be an issue this year.
I would say our student is hoping for the best but prepared to act immediately if things deteriorate. Thanks for all of the comments and support.
Check out “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin DeBecker. WHat the book basically says is listen to your instincts…they are usually right. We get in trouble when we try to talk ourselves out of that hinky feeling.
Sounds like everyone is being responsive (as they should be) and your student is handling this like a mature adult, so props to you both. Perhaps the room mate needs to check in with the counseling center and hopefully he has someone to talk to about some obvious stress, or as you mentioned insecurity issues. College can be more brutal than middle school sometimes in terms of adjustments for these young adults. Wish you both well and a worry free upcoming holiday season!